ok. so I'm guessing its obvious...
I give up. life just isn't worth the energy and the effort anymore. I have no reason to live. none @ all. everything is just so fucked up and no one really seems to care or to be able to help. I've given it a lot of thought. I mean, its not like anyone would really miss me if I weren't here. I mean, what good am I too anyone? Obviously nothing.
~~
so this has been the worst day of my life. I just don't know what to think. I'm so scared. I'm scared of him, and everything about him. I feel so much for him and yet he'll never care. It'll never be anything but fun and games to him. I just wish he could know, wish he would understand how much it hurts me to feel this way and not have any power to do anything about it. It kills me, its tearing me up inside. I spent DS and some of Bio in tears. Its pathetic, I mean, why would he care? why should he? and yet that's all I want. I want to be able to confide in him about things, but seems that every time I tell him something that I don't want anyone else to know someone else finds out, from him, and then they rub it in my face (ex. me liking him. I told him, and the next day, she knew about). I hate it. I hate that he has the hold over me and yet he isn't doing a thing. And I don't wanna ruin our friendship, b/c sometimes I feel like he's all I have. But I'm afraid that that's what will happen if he knows the truth. idk what to think anymore, or what to feel. I just wish I could tell him everything, get if off my chest, but that probably wouldn't do me any good.
~~
so idk. I'm more confused then I've ever been in my life. I feel like no matter what I say I'm not gonna be happy. b/c if I lose him I definately won't be. but if I go with Daniel I won't be either, b/c I don't feel anything there. like I told Heather and Lane ... I don't care if he's cute and he's nice and he likes me, I don't feel anything for him. plus he isn't the one that I want. idk. b/c I have no shot w/ the one that I want. and I think that's what hurts the most.
~~
so yes. after today. I feel like the worlds biggest idiot. and I know everyone's getting good laugh out this. and most of you probably find my pain, lonliness, and confusion funny, I'm sure you think its quite entertaining. right?
~~
so yeh. the deal w/ Daniel. basically...
Shannon says he really likes me. She wants me to go out w/ him. Matt wants me to go out w/ him. He wants it too. I DON'T! I don't feel anything for him. Yeh, he's kinda nice and all, but that doesn't matter. I have to be friends first, before anything else. and I don't get why you people think that's so bad. idk. so, I'm not gonna go out w/ him, @ least not any time soon. idk
~~
so yes. in the event that anyone should read this and find it completely retarded. I don't care. and I know some of you will. so I leave it at that. and with my new favorite song
~~
"Savin' Me"
Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
[Chorus:]
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
[Chorus]
Hurry I'm fallin'
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh, I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
[Chorus]
Hurry I'm fallin'
and my other new fav. yes! it is a song about commiting suicide
"Still"
If you'd like to walk a while
We could waste the day
Follow me into the trees
I will lead the way
Bring some change up to the bridge
Bring some alcohol
There we'll make a final wish
Just before the fall
Promise I will be forever yours
Promise not to say another word
Nevermind whats done is done
Always was a lucky one
Watch the sunrise all alone
Sitting on the tracks
Hear the train come roaring in
Never coming back
Laying quiet in the grass
Everything is still
River stones and broken bones
Scattered on the hill
Promise I will be forever yours
Promise not to say another word
Nevermind whats done is done
Always was a lucky one
Promise I will be forever yours
Promise not to say another word
Here forever deep beneath the dirt
Nevermind whats done is done
Always was a lucky one
good luck with that one
♥turtle