well its been two years and ive stumbled upon this again. like any one is going to read this. but i will continue to do this. soooooo not a lot has happened...cept back in '06 i was with this awesome guy. I loved him to death cept there was one thing that was getting to me. he gave me a little too much attention. i wasnt used to it and i felt smothered. but then he went and kissed another girl...yeah i was a bit upset over it and well i didnt want to lose him so i forgave him and stayed together for another few months until we were arguing and i threw out the fact that i didnt go and kiss some one else. he ended it right there and then. well idk i wasnt too upset just because well i felt smothered by him. we remained friends for a few months after and he wanted to get back together but i was jjust confused i didnt no what i wanted. and i fucked up then, cuz then he found some one new, really fast. it hurt like hell cuz then it made me realized how much i loved him and wanted to be with him. and it was too late. there was nothing i could do. i lost him. as hurt as i was i said things to him that i would never ever say. trust me to this day i regret them all. i no i apologized for them and he told me he doesnt hold grudges, well i still regret them. soo we started talking via myspace it wasnt much, but it was enough to satisfy my lonliness. he was/is my best friend and not having him around kills me more and more each day. i just wish he new how much i was/am still hurting.he seems happy without me.....atleast thats what my mind is telling me...that i was no good to him, just pain. and now hes with some one who doesnt cause him pain, some one who makes him fully completely happy and full. i would give anything just to be his friend. just to talk to him again. but he wont because of his gf. and thats what kills me the most. ive never hurt like this and im pretty sure he could careless if i died. 8i feel soo completely alone, worthless and forgotten. and it sucks

its certainly been awhile! life has been a living hell for me every since sean has found a new gf......i mean i was the one that broke up with him a yr ago in june......but i really didnt want to but people told me it was for the best.....so i did....and then we became friends with benefits later on...and well i wouldnt have done that if i didnt want to get back with him.....and then he had to break the news that he found a gf.....i was soo crushed....its been soo fucking hard.....it hurt alot to find out that they pretty much started going out the same time we did...its just i miss him....i barly see him any more and he is one of my best friends...and well i dont wanna lose him even as a friend....but i feel like i am.....idk im just soo fucking lonley now....... good news tho......ive heard from ian!!! its been soo fucking loong!! and i have been thinking about him alot!

ok..so its been quite awhile....um yeah broke up with my probably only bf ever....been quite misrable evr since then....um yeah got a current 'crush' but its not gonna work out...um yeah feel completely useless and worthless....and lonely as all hell

alright work was soo fun today *note the sarcasm* to was soo fucking busy and now my fucking feet kill...sean wants to hang out tonite but i keep telling him im too tired...to really go out...i mean last nite he wanted to hang out with his cousin...though i really had no say...i went...i was bored stiff...so i waited until like 9 to leave...he had also said he wanted me to drink...so he planned on having raspberry twists coolers there...but the store did not have them...basically they just watched tv...i got depressed and bored cuz we were watching happy gilmore (tho i luuuvvv adam sandler i just seen that movie waaayyy too many times!) so pretty much ive been depressed since last nite....

idk...i had an awesome nite out with my buddies...rhiannon, sean, ben and kyle...we played sum poool and then hopped over to newbury comics...after that we went to the mall...i finally bought the pregnant barbie!! :) by then kyle got depressed...we're not sure why...but we have a feeling it has to do with rhiannon...so then we dropped ben and kyle off and picked up chuck and decided to take a stroll through the graveyard...it was real nice....so then it came time to drop everyone home...when i dropped sean off he had asked for aa ride to work at 9 in the morning...i was hoping to sleep iin all vacation...but it also bugs me that i have to take time away to drive an extra 10 or 15 miles away that is completely out of my way...i mean i really love him...it just that bothers me alot....tho i can only write about this and not talk about it to him...i have issues talking about my problems and thats what kills me....im good at writing it down tho...

i hate myself and i wanna die...i just wanted to take a pair of scissors to my wrists today and end it now...i still do but im just way too fucking tired to do any thing...i just read about bens accident...and wonder why stuff like that ever happens to me...i wish it goddamned did..im just soo fucking tired of life itself...my parents r really pushing it....and now i have no car to go drive into a fucking pole...now my only hopes is to go play on the train tracks or sumthing...sumthing that wont be soo painful...

i hate when people rely on me and dont have a back up plan...it gets me depressed....im feeling completely like shit right now...first of all im not getting along with my parents right now (which means no car :( and second i forgot to drive sean to work....he calls me at 9 and is like where r you? and im like oh shit....then he is like how am i gonna get to work then? god it made me feel horrible...more horrible than i already was feeling...then he basically told me to go steal the car so i can pick him up...i was like uh no..im already not getting along with them i dont wanna have a reported car stolen thing going on....he can make me feel really bad sometimes....

i wonder where ill be years from now and realize from the looks of it im not gonna be any better than i am right now...im feeling completely misrable...mostly cuz of this relationship...i envy others cuz i no they have it a whole lot better...what i really wanted in a reltionship was equality..id pay one time and he'd pay another...not i pay all the time and get to a point where i cant even afford gas...no thats not what i wanted...i want to be taken out to dinner sumtimes...i want to have presents or whatever...u no? at work i see this all the time...their boyfriend buying them clothes and such...but i mean i wouldnt ever ever take advantage of that...its just i would really like that for once...i can barely afford to buy myself stuff...im always buying him cigarrettes...food..and such...im getting tired of it....but theres really nuthing i can do...it sucks sooo much...lately ive been thinking i was much better off when i was single...i could basically do what i want...instead i feel like im fucking chained down...u no?

god...i can screw up in soo many different ways but i think this would be the worst...goddammit...but im also thinking this is happening cuz of how in this relationship now...it seems to be all about sex...i didnt want a relationship for sex...well not soo soon...but im starting to really like sum people now..even tho i have sean...i feel really horrible....but i cant help it...maybe its the fact that i no they wont be asking for sex all the time..crap...im a horrible horrible person...i dont understand what people see in me...maybe im better off alone...and misrable...and ill probably be dead before the age of 30...

god...last nite was horrible....i was alright up until seans friends came...so we're all in the car, me sean, david and john and well sum one brought up the subject of sex...and someone mentioned he got laid the past 7 days....this is what made me have a nervoius breakdown for the rest of the nite...i felt like i wasnt enough for sean...seans response was my sex life is not on trial...i wasnt quite shure what that meant...but that threw me off the whole nite...to a point where i just felt like i wasnt worht anything and wanted to die...when we were driving david home i kinda pulled out in front of this car like 15 ft as it sped down the street...god how i wish it hit me...my side of the car...

i am extremely sad right now...i feel like im a dissappointment to sean...he talked to me today aboutt he whole money thing and he said"i wish you would come to me first" i wish he'd understand its really hard for me to tell him about stuff like that that bothers me...im scared he mite leave...im scared sumthing may happen...and then i wonder why he loves me...ive got soo many issues...especially in communitive actions...i cant face my problems face to face. i have to go around it by talkin to others...like i had to talk to ben about my issues with sean...i couldnt ever tell sean directly about that...

i need something to numb this pain something to make me feel worthwhile in this world something to help me believe the things you say sometimes it hurts when i look at you and think im monly here for pleasure and money i know i shouldnt feel this way but im so used to being hurt all the time i wonder what you see in me for months i havent been able to do stuff i used to do before the weekend even starts im flat broke paying for you and for me im having money issues, i cant afford this everyday every weekend ive been thinking about a second job yet, im still in high school yeah ive been having alot of issues lately...theyre mostly the same ones...u no..i pay for everything...i havent been able to really buy myself anything besides stuff from marshalls...i havent been able to go to the mall to just walk aruond and enjoy the atmosphere...ive been just paying for sean..for just about eevrything...b4 i met him i was having difficulty with money...but now its just worse...i really cant take it any more...i have trouble saying no...and i think he's taking advantage of that... i havent felt this misrable since b4 i met sean...hopefully friday i can have a day to myself and go to the mall with ashley...and make up for the loss time at the mall and buy myself stuff...the thing that also bugs me is that duringxmas...i had used my own gift card to a store to buy him a sweatshirt that he was admiring...my own fucking gift card...and what have i got from him? just a deck of edward scissorhands cards...and that sweatshirt ($22) wasnt eevn his xmas gift...im sooo fucking depressed right now.....

yeah we finally talked...after almost a year of complete silence and me worrying whether or not he was dead...but im glad now that we're talking i finally got bambi on dvd! im sooo excited....i have to get aladdin b4 it goes back into the 'disney vault' the vault that im going to break into to get the little mermaid lol...

well this journal has become pointless....the person i want to read this hasnt...and he has yet to talk to me...i might as well say goodbye

yeah its been 2 months already...its been going very well...i really am in luv...i cant wait to go to minnesota with him after i graduate....yeah my parents r actually ok with it...im surprised but i pulled off that whole im an adult now that im out of school thing lol

im so exhausted...im soo fucking tired of school...it fucking sux...yeah i was going thru my cds last nite and realized i cant find my switchfoot cd..im pissed....i did find my duality cd i got excited... i luv slipknot...hmmm...i wanna take a nap...im just waiting for unwritten law's save me to finish downloading...

i look and he's back...but i bet u he has completely forgotten about me...im off his friends list but he'll remain on mine...ian...i still would like to be ur friend...please? i feel like this was my fault...i do hope u read this...i miss u... i do have a boyfriend now...im not sure what to do now? ashley i really need to talk to u...please?

you left me without saying goodbye i remember the day you told me it just wasnt going to work out why cant we still be friends? you wont even talk to me now and its killing me inside you made me happy you made me smile after months of depression you made me like myself what went wrong? you changed me you made me feel special now that you're gone i cant think straight any more im more misrable than i was before i met you now that you're gone ive screwed up so much at times i wish i was dead you were the first to ever like me for who i am and thats what i liked about you you were sweet, gentle and charming you were one of a kind i feel so alone now i sit here remembering those long phone calls and the sweet things you said to me now since you're gone i feel completely worthless i think about death more often than i should i wanna talk to you one last time i want you to forget about what u did to me so we can just start brand new i miss you everyday i cant seem to move on i just want you to know this before i go.....

Death is my salvation From the pain that you have given Losing this life will save me From the stake you have driven I have lost all my will to live Everything is falling apart No reason to be alive Thanks to your petty theft of my heart Death is my salvation it will take me away I'll never have to see the wretched new day No more pain shall be felt As the death has been dealt I won't feel your pain anymore As salvation comes for me I await the freedom From pure misery Death is my salvation I'm ready to let life end Never to be hurt by you Never to fall for you again © Copyright 2004 Leo (FictionPress ID:243165). All rights reserved. Distribution of any kind is prohibited without the written consent of Leo.

Hey, I wanna crawl out of my skin Apologize for all my sins All the things I should have said to you Hey, I can't make it go away Over and over in my brain again All the things I should have said to you [Chorus:] Counting stars wishing I was okay Crashing down was my biggest mistake I never ever ever meant to hurt you I only did what I had to Counting stars again Hey, I'll take this day by day by day Under the covers I'm okay I guess Life's too short and i feel small [Chorus] Counting stars again Counting stars again Counting stars again Counting stars again Counting stars again