Woah, been a minute. There are a million things I could write about, right now, but honestly, that would take forever. So, in the words of Nacho Libre "Lets get down to the nitty griiiittty..." I think im gonna let all my worries, and inhibitions go and just fuck my hot friend who I have known for years. I havent been single in a long time, and we're both into the idea of just having some fun together. This is totally outside of how I typically operate (ish) buuuuuuuuut Im feeling it and I think thats perfectly okay. though sometimes i think about it and freak out a little

I'd like to think that I am fairly good at respecting most people's opinions regarding many things, but lately...political opinions have been getting me fired up. I never discuss my opinions with others, so I end up walking in circle around my house...flailing my arms...and ranting about my opinions out loud. Im sorry, but I cannot believe there are people out there that even think that TRUMP would be a good president. I cannot believe that people are not seeing how much hate he is spewing and how much he will fuck up everything. My heart hurts for all the minorities that are in fear for if he becomes president. White people, including myself, WILL NEVER understand what minorities have had to go through and the fact that people want to elect a leader that outrightly spews racist and prejudice ideas and opinions..disgusts me. What is going on with this world...? :(

I cant even explain how I'm feeling. The more upset I feel, the more discouraged, the more disgusted, the more anxious, the more I want to be comforted...but every opportunity that arises for that comfort to take place...I insist on violently pushing it away.... I have the hardest time accepting the things that I desire the most. I find it impossible to accept the truth, to accept love, to accept reality, to accept comfort, to accept affection...Its been 23 years and I can't even find a way to accept myself.

This is another procrastination post. I have an essay due at midnight tonight, and I haven't even started. I have been so distracted by everything around me to even remotely get a head start on it. I'm not worried, but that..in and of itself...sort of worries me. I need to lite a fire under my bum and get a move on. Jen and I cleared things up yesterday and I am so relieved. This awkward tension has been going on for so long that I think we both forget what it was about to begin with. I'm just happy to have a friend back. I don't hang out with many girls. Honestly, I don't hang out with many people. It's hard to find time between being a full-time student and working a part-time/occasionally full-time job. Making time for homework, alone time, and everything in between has felt like a burden for the last couple of years. I have sort of slunk into a comfortable place of spending my nights with Jake and just getting high and having great conversations. Everything I do is with Jake but now that his tour is coming up next friday, and he'll be gone for an entire month, I realize that without girlfriends, or friends in general, Im going to be incredibly lonely. So, it's nice to have someone I can talk to, have fun with, go out with, and generally just chill with and be myself. We have a lot in common and I think the whole apartment situation caused us both to forget that. I'm feeling so good about things, especially after last night and I'm really excited for what's to come. Girls make me anxious, and its incredibly weird because I am a very social person. Rationally thinking, I know I make friends easily, Im generally a very likeable person, and I just enjoy humans. But the self-conscious, anxious side of me always causes me to think otherwise. So, in the end, I hide away in my room for fear that people wont like me, or girls wont want to be my friend. I have so many girlfriends at work. Girls who I get excited to work with and who genuinely get excited to work with me. But I never hang out with any of those girls outside of work. I know they would, and I know I would but its just never been proposed. So, I trick myself into thinking that this is because Im actually a boring, shitty person. I dont know, Im rambling. But Im beginning to notice that Im extremely hard on myself, like Jake has pointed out, and it causes me to miss out on a lot of opportunities. So, I guess pushing myself outside my comfort zone and mingling with more ladies will be what will help me to overcome this. Jen and I had so much fun last night and I know that we have had fun in the past so I'm just happy that things are back to normal. Thinking of having girls nights, or sleepovers is an exciting prospect because its so out of the norm for me, and I think its something I could really use from time to time. I love my boyfriend immensely but I am aware that a healthy relationship requires both individuals spending time apart from eachother either alone, or with friends. Its so necessary. I can talk to Jake about anything and everything but its always nice to have a girlfriend to go to, and I know Jake feels the same way about his guy friends. All in all, I think this will be very good for me. I hope that slowly I can start to overcome this ridiculous anxiety and self-hate.

Here I am, Sitting here with my hair covered in Coconut oil and Soybean oil, and wrapped up in a flimsy plastic shower cap. I have this huge dishtowel wrapped around my neck to prevent the oil in my hair from dripping down and staining my shirt. I am going to be the biggest greaseball tomorrow but I will have to deal because my hair needs this. It's been up like this for almost three hours, already, and I still have about six or seven more to go. I am trying, any way I can, to repair my severely damaged hair. I think I almost had a heart attack yesterday afternoon when, after dying it back to a soft black (FINALLY), and brushing through my damp locks, my hair began to break off and fall into my lap in the most ridiculous amounts. Part of me wishes I had the guts to just shave it all off and start from scratch. I know my hair could use this, and I know that I probably needs it but, unfortunaley, I lack the self-confidence to make that type of decision. I also have worked way to hard to get my hair to the length it is currently at. I have already accepted that I will be trimming almost two inches of my ends tonight in order to prevent further splitting and, in the long run, thinning of my hair. So, I have decided to embark on weekly oil treatments so that I can restore my hair to a healthy point and, in the future, bring it back to its once bouncy, full existence. It's safe to say that I've finally killed my hair. Growing up my mother never let me do a single thing to my hair involving chemicals. No dye jobs. No highlights. Nothing. Not even the home remedy of lemon-juice for subtle, natural highlights. So, needless to say, when I turned eighteen I got excited at the prospect of doing what I wanted to my hair, and experimenting. For a couple years, I didnt do much. I dyed my hair a blue-black as opposed to my natural Dark,Dark brown/Soft black, and it stayed that way for quite some time. Then, I got my own apartment at 19/20 and decided to dye it brownish/red. I used the "From Darker to lighter" box color from Garnier and it worked, primarily, on the roots but not on full head of hair, overall. It was more reflective red without being truly noticeable otherwise. So, the next day I repeated the same box color and it finally turned a nice red/brown that was vibrant, and I loved it. It stayed that way for quite some time and I do recall upkeeping it every couple of months or so but never too freqently. And then I remember getting tired of the plain red, and stupidly, decided to bleach section of my hair with my friend Cassie. It came out pretty cool, yellow and orange in some spots and I was satisfied for a month, I believe, until I made the spontaneous decision to bleach my bangs and more sections of hair. At that point my hair was orange and blonde. I believe I kept it this way for about a month or two before dying it right back to a medium brown with red undertones. My memory gets blurry after this but I know, not too long after this dye, and not too long after moving out of my apartment, I dyed my hair back to black. Black was the color it stayed out, and I maintained it (when my roots began growing in dark brown over a period of a month or two) by redying it black every couple of months. I kept up with this for probably two years. But naturally, being who I am, I get bored with my looks very easily and convince myself I need a change, or to switch things up and do something extravagent and new. This isnt always so bad because, over the years, by doing this I have found that I can pull off many different styles of hair as well as many different colors but...never really realized the amount of damage I was doing to my hair, and the effects it has over the years. I have never done any sort of hair treatments/therapies, or gone to a salon so these chemicals have just built up in my scalp and hair over years and years of use. YIKES. So, this year, a couple months ago I was really into the little mermaid red hair fad that was becoming popular. I have always loved the idea and thought that perhaps I could pull it off. I ended up bleaching my hair TWICE in ONE DAY because my hair is so dark that it was too stubborn to lighten. Even after the second bleaching not all of my hair was blonde but at that point I was too afraid my hair was going to fall out to care. I then, the same day, dyed my hair bright red. I was shocked at first but it looked great, and I fell in love with it over the next couple of days. This hair color lasted for...about a week, maybe two? I cant quite recall, but all I know is, it didnt last long. (I am a colorful person.) I love to wear bright colors, and patterns so having bright red hair was hard because it clashed with way too many things. I had to eliminate yellows from my warddrobe, pinks, reds, light purples, sometimes dark purples and sometimes light blues. It was way too hard to coordinate with, and it was also causing me to not wear some of my favoite items within my wardrobe. So, I stupidly thought that dying over it black would just elimate my problem. How wrong I was. The red hair color already bled a ridiculous amount, another reason I did not want to keep it for upkeep reasons, and by adding the black it still continued to bleed out and just took the black hair color with it. This left my hair blonde/pink from the left-over faded red streaks still stuck in my hair. I hated it at first. My hair turned colors for almost two weeks. It went from black. To a black/purple-to Brown/red-to Brown/Blonde/Red- to just plain Blonde/Pink/slight brown in areas. Weirdly, I got a lot of compliments on this color....After a while the blonde (which congregated in streak ontop of my hair and on my bangs-making the pink look like streaked highlights-and leaving the whole bottom of my hair an orange/brown/light red color) began to grow on me. So, of course this led me to make an even more idiotic decision. (Now, mind you, I am incredibly European. A mixture of Greek and Italian. So, having black hair and tan skin I always get the question "Oh my God. What is your ethnicity?") So I have just never imagined myself a blonde. I always thought it would be weird, and just not work with my European appearance. Growing up I was told by numberous people that they felt I would "also look great as a blonde" but I just never agreed with that, not taking into consideration my facial features and the like, and solely focusing on my ethnic appearance. So, when I found that I actually enjoyed the blonde framing my face and streaking all through-out my hair I decided to buy sun-in and spray it over the top of my head for more blonde highlights. Of course, I read the back of the bottle which clearly states, "Not recommended on chemically altered hair." But naturally, I didnt listen. I sprayed this on my hair every other day for weeks, to almost a month. I look back now and think, WHY THE FUCK DID I DO THAT? How could I ever think that was a good idea? Well, overtime, my hair became more multi-colored then it had ever been. It looked really awesome admittedly and people seemed to love it. I dont think there was one day out of this whole month where someone didnt compliment on it, stare at it in awe, or ask me where I got it done. It was nice because it was a hair style/color that I knew for a fact no one else around had and that was a neat feeling but...overtime I started noticing how dead it really looked. It felt like straw. The ends were damaged and split. The blonde only made these problems MORE visible, especially when it came to my bangs. I had to cut them short just to chop off all the dead hair, but then the length made it harder for me to straighten them (which I shouldnt have even been doing in the first place.) The result was me spending hours frying my bangs, only to have them consistantly breaking off from their dry, brittle texture. I couldn't stand having my hair look visibly dead. So, to compensate I would straighten it every day because, although my straightener was frying and killing my hair, it was making it look smoother and less-dead to those who could see it. This too backfired and my hair was left feeling like...well, nothing like hair at all. Not even straw. Just...worse. Something completely unreal. I can't explain it. So, I got my refund check yesterday and dyed it black, not learning still, and thinking that it would atleast cover up the look of brittleness. (I was also just dying to back to my oringal color because blonde, after awhile, was not much fun. It wasn't me, either.) Everytime I have dyed my hair, it ends up feeling incredibly smooth and voluminous the first day. I idiotically thought that this would be the outcome, but of course, by this point, my hair was so dead that it just fried it more. And that brings us to here: me, a hair full of oil, and a dish towel securely around my neck for the next 7 hours. So, here is what I have learned: Chemicals are no bueno for hair, and I need to chill out on the dye jobs I also need to remember this for future reference when I begin to get bored and think I need to change it up because I always, and I mean ALWAYS end up wanting to go back to black hair...so that should tell me something Also, I need to stop using as much heating/styling products as I do/when I do because its entirely unnecessary and, after living a month with a broken blowdryer and straightener and letting my hair naturally dry and do its own thing, I realized that my hair has a beautiful, natural curl that I always dismiss by straightening. I dont think Ive ever received more compliments on my hair then when I let it naturally dry and style on its own for that month. Granted, this isnt all about compliments but those compliments help put things into perspective. Its time to start caring about/taking care of my hair Lastly, I not only need to read the directions and suggestions on the back of every bottle but FOLLOW THEM too. Im about to do homework so Im pretty sure this long-winded entry is just a way for me to procrastinate further and not have to write my essay, but, nonetheless, here it is. I should probably go be productive now.

Its all too much.

I think Im ready to live alone. (As in, just my boyfriend, me, and our kitty.) I absolutely cannot stand my roommate or his girlfriend. My roommate is, by far, the messiest, laziest person I know. If he makes food, he never puts anything back where he got it. If he uses dishes, they end up piling up in the sink and sitting there for months before my boyfriend or I finally cave in and wash them. He never helps us on trash night, or picks up any part of the apartment. He never buys paper towels, toilet paper, toothpaste, trash bags, or dish soap unless repeatedly asked in frustration. He has not ONCE bought his own towels, shampoo/conditioner or bodywash and just constantly uses mine and my boyfriends even though we have asked him to please stop and get his own. HE EVEN USES MINE AND MY BOYFRIENDS RAZORS TO SHAVE...because, of couse, he has not bought his own. If he does decide to clean anywhere in the apartment...its, of course, his room, and all he does is bring all the dishes in our house that he hordes up there...downstairs where they are filled with trash, ashes, and ciggarette butts...and they just sit and sit. He also uses our clynk bags for trash, fills them, and then leaves them in the hallway...like...WHAT!?? Then, to top if off, we have his stupid girlfriend staying here every fucking day. So, we get to pay for her ass to shower, eat, and use all our electricity. SHE adds to my roommates mess, clogs our drains with hair and doesnt clean them, and leaves her shit lying all over the house. She makes giant things of "diet" food and leaves them sitting out, and in the fridge for months only to be thrown out by, YOU GUESSED IT, me. She buys a bunch of fruits and veggies because shes obsessed with her weight but then leaves them rotting in our fridge because she never ends up eating them. She has moved in and moved out of our place two times and has only paid rent for one month. She constantly parks in front of ours and our neighbors mailbox making it so that we sometimes go 3-4 days without receiving mail.. Her and my roommate get wasted, leave all their mixed drinks, cups, and empty cigarette packets all over the kitchen and then come home, make more of a mess, go to bed, wake up, and dont even pick it up. I have cleaned the house for hours, sometimes, only to have them trash it an hour later without even so much of a "thanks for doing our dishes" or any sort of acknowledgment and respect. Its a slap in the face and I am so over it. My roommates girlfriend even uses my shampoo, conditioner, shaving cream, tampons and pads...all without even asking. Its to the point where I have to hide all my toiletries because she is just a sneaky bitch. I cannot stand them to the point where I havent spoken to them in a week. I am just furious. I feel like I am paying for someone to stay at my place and I dont even want them here. And I am so mad I decided to move back in with my roommate that the first chance I get, when our lease is up, I am looking for a one bedroom for Jake and I. Everytime I look at them I just want to smack them across the face...Like...GET OUT OF MY HOUSE ALREADY.

I am so obsessed with my weight So obsessed with how I look And it constantly drives me mad. I want to puke from the anxiety.

I dyed my hair and it came out ridiculously bright red!! HELLLLOOOOOO Little Mermaid...

Fuck you. Fuck everything. I want to find a place where there are people who listen to me. Take the time to care about my feelings and what the fuck I have to say People who are sincere, and genuine, and honest, and loyal and CARING I feel so defeated lately. Like I can only try so hard to make you listen to me.............. I wish I had the balls to kill myself. I really fucking wish I did.

Dont judge the music choice, haha. Its catchy. So, WOW! Hi agian. It's been a while, and by a while I mean two years!!! I read through all my past entries yesterday after my dear, sweet best friend since Highschool reminded me of you. Needless to say, I cried. And cringed. And cried. And cried some more. Some of these memories are hard to read, and even harder to try and remember. Sadly, many of my anxieties and self-esteem issues are still quite a struggle for me, even now at 22. So, reading through them only made me more aware of what I struggle with today...and why. I have crazy, and terrible trust issues and its taken me a long time before I have finally realized I need to get help. Writing is just a part of my ongoing journey through therapy. Where has the time gone? Jake and I have been together for over a year now. One year and almost six months. Amazing how time flies, and how the universe works itself out. I am very very happy and I can say that for real now. I am so in love, and that too, is finally for REAL. Not to say that I never loved Chris, because at one point I did, but that love was so self-destructive and I am so very aware of it now. I have been pretty traumatized by my past relationship, lots of things of which I dont even want to speak about, and its just eye-opening each and everytime I read through these last few years. I also realize how immature, irrational, cruel-hearted, and malicious I was. Its hard to see all the things I said about people I truly do care for, and about. Im not proud of that but Im glad I got to see it for myself because it really helps to put things into perspective. I let my past relationship, and its destruction and, dare I dramatically say, its "evil" creep into every facet of my life. I was an angry person, and being with Chris helped to further that anger. I read through my past entries, step back and view my life now, and think how crazy it is that I crawled out of that dark hole. Oooh man. I have so much more to write. Really. I can barely contain my excitement about being on here again, after losing hope that this site would never be back up and running!! But, I have been sitting in my bed all day playing Chrono Trigger on Nintendo DS and I should really do something...ANYTHING productive...even though it is almost 9pm. Im happy to be back!

It sickens me to read how brain washed I was by Chris. Mental abuse at its finest, Rot In Hell

I havent written in here in so long. Where has the time even gone? Im in the Library at SMCC right now waiting for Nicholas to get out of class. There is so much I want to fill in the blanks, and talk, and ooze all my love about. Things have gotten worse, and in ways things have come back around ten fold. I got evicted from my apartment but in retrospect I hated it, and the thoughts of Chris were just too much negativity floating around one space for me or my roommate to handle. So, i guess that opened up a grand door for me to move back in with my mom for a bit. The drive is a bitch, and so isnt being away from nick but atleast im being taken care of until I can stand on my own two feet again. As for the boy in my previous entry.. well who would've thunk it. Things have gone from good, to better, to the best its ever been. He is the first boy I have slept with who isnt my boyfriend, and Im happy that I still managed to keep him around for as long as I have. He's lucky number three. Things are getting stronger, and more intense. And each time we make love I can feel everything he wants to say pulse through him and onto (into) me. He is amazing, and wonderful. He gives me the biggest butterflies, and the brightest smiles. Im falling, and Im scared but Im trying to maintain my footing. He doesnt want a girlfriend right now, and I dont need a boyfriend. I need to live, and so doesnt he. But theres an unspoken part that hopes he realizes he wants to live out his crazy, and mysterious life with me. I think he may one day. But I try not to get my hopes up about anything. For now I am happy in the fact that he is the first boy to make me realize why no other boys I was with worked out. He makes me feel loved, and adored. More importantly, he makes me feel beautiful. If not important. He has given me everything that Chris could not in the span of four months, and that is most definitely including great sex. I am so happy. I think one day I may just burst at the seams. For now, Im remaining composed and calm about things. Sometimes I fall back into the "what if he finds another" or "what if he never makes me his girlfrend" but I just keep on telling myself Im young. There are plenty of fish in the sea. And Ive never had a problem with catching them in my net. He is special to me. And if things dont last in the end then atleast I have the special thought of this boy in my head who taught me that I can break the cycle. Not all boys that I date or sleep with are destined to be like my father. He taught me to love myself and that I can still love others even after such traumatic relationship and events. He has taught me so much about life, love, sex and relationships. And if anything, that is enough to keep a smile on my face. Ive never told him about how my father abused me. Ive never told him about how Chris use to abuse me. But maybe one day..when Im ready..and when he is ready to hear it. Oh, life is grand right now. Even though Im running on three hours of sleep, my classes have taken up all my day, and too many males are on my jock. I still have a reason to smile. His name is Jake.

I cant even read the last couple of entries without my head hurting, and throbbing, and getting ready to explode. I have never felt so high, and then so low in the span of days, and months, or even weeks. Im confused. and Im frustrated. Im mad, and Im sad. Im ecstatic, and Im disgusted. I hate everything, and I love it all just the same. EVERYONE NEEDS TO GO AWAY. Give me my space. Let me breath. I like this boy way too much and hes too scared to make that move that I so desperately want from him. And i dont even know if its that hes too scared to make the move because hes made lots of them. and thats whats fucking with my head. because im a dumb girl. and im attatched for no goddamn reason. chris needs to die already, on a terrible and hurtful note. So doesnt jesse. And thats probably the worst thing I will open my mouth and say about this situation. and its hard for me to even be empathetic to the situation anymore. or about the fact that i siad one of the most terrible things. fuck it. i just took my first oxy, and I just want to get rid of this head ache and eat some oreos dipped in peanutbutter. I feel like this is the only place where I can truly say this without sounding hungry for attention, or conceited, but there are far too many boys on my jock right now and its stressing me out. Girls who think its fun to be wanted by everyone have another thing coming. it sucks. and i just want to be left alone everyone is always monitoring my next move. or motive. everyone wants to know my thoughts, plans, feelings, desires...i couldnt even tell you to be honest. I just want to go far away and lay in the sun for a week at a time, and bake until im a nice brown color. can't wait to pack up and run away.

You kept saying you dont like her, or that there's nothing there but...you just told her you'd do whatever it takes to see her. How can you be with my for two years and move on to another girl in two days? I know she listens to you, and you can talk to her. Im glad. You need that. I have always tried and somehow i failed. All you did was lie to me so I dont know what you expected. I know we arent good together. And I know that I shouldnt be with you. Im having a hard time because I do love you, and it sucks. But I just cant believe you wouldnt be honest with me about this other girl....

Candy flipped so hard last night. Stop lying to me. Why is it so hard? I can't keep taking "this is how I am" as an excuse. You signed up for honesty when you started dating me. Man up. If you take it upon yourself to say shit I only want to hear, and not the truth, then be prepared to get shit when I find out youre full of shit. Hate that Im so bothered by all this. HATE MOST GIRLS.

It sounds sick, but another reason why I enjoy tripping, and rolling is because it controls my appetite, and this year I've lost ten pounds. I want to lose more, and if not, then at least get more toned. I fucking hate how much weight and body size matters to me. I dont think I will ever be good enough for myself. Even though that bathing suit fit me perfectly..

I'd write everything I need to tell you, explain on, and endulge in.. if ONLY I had the energy to do so. I wish I knew "The Serenity Prayer" by heart, some days.

I broke up with you because you don't know how to be a man. And I cant do it for you. Get a job. Stop getting drunk all the time. Take care of me. Then we can talk.

Someone stole my wallet friday. It had everything in it that I needed for my identity, and my vehicle. But despite that, Im feeling pretty good. Im trying to remain optimistic in times of trouble, and Im trying to live a happier/healthier life. I love you, Chris.