Its been too long to even comprehend what my mind is pushing out. So many things to say, and so many feelings rushing around. I feel like Im stuck inside someones sick whirlpool of emotions. Im feeling sick. I went to my dads grave yesterday. All by myself. Just to think, and to remember. It was so sunny, and beautiful out. It felt like the perfect day. And I knew that my dad would have loved it. I couldnt even step out of the car. There were people a few feet away from his grave and I just couldnt do it. I didnt want anyone to see me cry..but me. I just sat. And I sang a song. And I cried. Not hard Just softly. I hate remembering, but I would hate it more if I were to forget. I feel like so many people are just walking out of my life, when in contrast, Ive really only lost two. My father to death. and Mari to God knows what. I just wish people stayed the same when everything else around you is changing. I know that this hope is entirely fairytale-esqu, but It would be nice. I cant stand any of this. I hate saying "forever" when it seems to be that this word, this feeling, this...all around idea...doesnt even exist. Boys come, and boys go. But even though they go, they always take the place of what was there before. And people change. They stop wearing this. Or stop doing that. They stop fighting for you. and they start talking about you. What is there to do when there is a world of people who just dont take a stand? I dont ever want to step down. I dont ever want to silence myself for the benfit of someone I love because if they want me silenced, If they dont like what I have to say, If they get mad about my feelings, or my principles, then they really dont love me like they say. I miss everything. But, more importantly, I miss knowing its ok. Knowing that IM the one, at the end of the day, that she comes running to, and that I have no worries. I hate knowing that Im just there. I hate knowing that Ive fallen so far from my pedastle in her life. Because of a child. And its harsh, and its angry, but its true. Seventeen years vs. Six months? We have a winner. And, Im feeling the loss so hard.