This is another procrastination post. I have an essay due at midnight tonight, and I haven't even started. I have been so distracted by everything around me to even remotely get a head start on it. I'm not worried, but that..in and of itself...sort of worries me. I need to lite a fire under my bum and get a move on.

Jen and I cleared things up yesterday and I am so relieved. This awkward tension has been going on for so long that I think we both forget what it was about to begin with. I'm just happy to have a friend back. I don't hang out with many girls. Honestly, I don't hang out with many people. It's hard to find time between being a full-time student and working a part-time/occasionally full-time job. Making time for homework, alone time, and everything in between has felt like a burden for the last couple of years. I have sort of slunk into a comfortable place of spending my nights with Jake and just getting high and having great conversations. Everything I do is with Jake but now that his tour is coming up next friday, and he'll be gone for an entire month, I realize that without girlfriends, or friends in general, Im going to be incredibly lonely. So, it's nice to have someone I can talk to, have fun with, go out with, and generally just chill with and be myself. We have a lot in common and I think the whole apartment situation caused us both to forget that. I'm feeling so good about things, especially after last night and I'm really excited for what's to come.

Girls make me anxious, and its incredibly weird because I am a very social person. Rationally thinking, I know I make friends easily, Im generally a very likeable person, and I just enjoy humans. But the self-conscious, anxious side of me always causes me to think otherwise. So, in the end, I hide away in my room for fear that people wont like me, or girls wont want to be my friend. I have so many girlfriends at work. Girls who I get excited to work with and who genuinely get excited to work with me. But I never hang out with any of those girls outside of work. I know they would, and I know I would but its just never been proposed. So, I trick myself into thinking that this is because Im actually a boring, shitty person. I dont know, Im rambling. But Im beginning to notice that Im extremely hard on myself, like Jake has pointed out, and it causes me to miss out on a lot of opportunities.

So, I guess pushing myself outside my comfort zone and mingling with more ladies will be what will help me to overcome this. Jen and I had so much fun last night and I know that we have had fun in the past so I'm just happy that things are back to normal. Thinking of having girls nights, or sleepovers is an exciting prospect because its so out of the norm for me, and I think its something I could really use from time to time. I love my boyfriend immensely but I am aware that a healthy relationship requires both individuals spending time apart from eachother either alone, or with friends. Its so necessary. I can talk to Jake about anything and everything but its always nice to have a girlfriend to go to, and I know Jake feels the same way about his guy friends.

All in all, I think this will be very good for me. I hope that slowly I can start to overcome this ridiculous anxiety and self-hate.