“There comes a time when the pain of continuing exceeds the pain of stopping. At that moment, a threshold is crossed. What seemed unthinkable becomes thinkable. Slowly, the realization emerges that the choice to continue what you have been doing is the choice to live in discomfort, and the choice to stop what you have been doing is the choice to breathe deeply and freely again. Once that realization has emerged, you can either honor it or ignore it, but you cannot forget it. What has become known can not become unknown again.” What is going on?

Heading back to Vermont in t-minus 11 days. The melting pot of emotions that has settled in my gut has not become any less complex. I still feel the same fears, desires, and moods that I have for the past six months, but it seems the positive and engaging ones have solidified and intensified, and despite the worries I still harbor, the positivity is all that I could ever ask for. I am excited about my classes next term. The one that I am probably most nervous about is Color Photography because as I have learned through my relief printing class last semester, art at Bennington can be very serious even in the classes categorized as "Beginner". I need to learn to capture an idea and convey it, convince others that it's there and present in my work. Nevertheless, photography, though once a major interest of mine, is not a serious course of study for me. If anything, it will be a lifelong hobby, but it's not what makes my heart beat fast. Comparing Political Institutions I am not passionate about politics whatsoever. But I would like to know what the hell everyone is talking about when they're knockin Communism and defending Capitalism and I also want to know more about other countries and what system of "power" they work within. In the long run, I feel like this type of information can be beneficial to me as I try to expand my studies to worldwide, foreign and local behaviors, cultures, and religions. As a matter of fact, in some countries, politics is their religion (or the other way around). An Environmental History of Food and Farming Yes, yes, and yes. I love environment. I love history. And I love food (and farming too!). I want to learn more about all of these things and discuss more (anthropologically speaking) about the values of our country in particular and the Agrarian myth that the country was in a way built off of. Hopefully this course talks about the history of food/farming all over the world as well; that will be even more interesting. Recent Fiction from India and Pakistan Picking up where my high school independent study course left off, I picked this literature course so I could have a fix of fiction, something to engage my mind in a more imaginative sense. I also want to practice my writing, reading, and discussing skills as they have clearly dwindled and dulled since high school. And so those are my classes. Photo's quite expensive. Life as of now: still living in NH, all by my lonesome, except, that's not true because Jake is pretty much always here. It's like the ittiest bittiest role play of what it would really be like to live together. Honestly, we fit together pretty well. I already partly knew this since in high school we used to spend days and nights together, sometimes a week straight, so practically living together now didn't feel all too different. The only big difference was that we were alone which was nice and that we would do more chores and shopping together. Things are actually significantly better between us when we are together. But seeing as how I will be traveling back and forth between Maine and Vermont and my various internships, we are working on keeping communication clear and also reemphasizing that everytime I leave goodbyes should be getting EASIER not HARDER and that the best thing to do is accept, trust, and communicate. I was lucky enough to encounter such kind souls here who offered housesitting and petsitting jobs to provide some sort of income since I've been "out of the job" since November. It's hard keeping the money flow going while constantly moving back and forth. This is when I envy those who go to school where they live. At least they don't have to worry about constantly finding jobs. My plan for the upcoming year: work on getting a license and or car during the summer and the winter. If I am able to intern here again next year, I will request that I intern in the summer so that I can have seven extra weeks to work on my license back at home and to also hopefully make some money. Unfortunately, it's a nasty little trap not having a license or a job because a license would greatly lessen the difficulty of getting a job while at home. But without it, transportation is the #1 obstacle standing in my way. Today. Work til five. Go home and deep clean my apartment. Making more delicious soup from scratch. Watching a movie. Sleeping for life. Tomorrow I'm showing my apartment to a neighbor whose kitty (Vanilla) I will be watching for a few days. Then Flare Friday. Then Saturday I get Vanilla. Jake and I are intending to spend the weekend together seeing as how it's my last weekend before school. Life moves so damn fast sometimes.

So far, I'm loving this internship. Reasons being: 1 my apartment is cute and very cozy, easy to clean 2 i got a mouse friend 3 jake is here pretty much all the time. i'd go as far as to say that he lives with me now 4 the people here are the nicest people i've ever met 5 the work is not hard at all 6 i get to study and be surrounded with all that is what im most passionate about The only downside to all of this is that I'm not getting paid for any of this, so I'm working full time for seven week and not getting a cent. But that's pretty much the whole point of interning at a non-profit. I have about seventy dollars for food for the next six weeks and then I have to pay tuition and books come February.. But despite the bleak outlook, I feel rather optimistic. Maybe I'll receive fifty dollars or so for my birthday? I hope that if I do get anything for my birthday it's just money, because it's really all I need. Literally need or I'm fucked come spring term. Back to eating my lunch, then back to work after this.

Feeling strange lately, don't really know where it is I belong. I don't lack motivation, I just lack energy at the time being, and given all that I've been putting up with and balancing for the past three months, I doubt anyone can really blame me. It's frustrating to see that all of the problems in my life (or some of the greater ones) are rooted in the lack of money. It's scary to look into the future and not see where I will be or my mom. I can feel a lot of fights clouding my future, a lot of screaming and misunderstandings. I wish that my mother would see what she is doing. It's obnoxious, it's pathetic, it's depressing, it's dangerous, it's selfish, and it's fake. At night time I miss him and when I wake up, I don't, and so I've decided that I won't do anything until I feel the same when I sleep and when I wake.

I've really had an awful week. I haven't been productive, I've been stressed and caught off guard by so much. I have given up on dealing with this. I want to let go and start over. By myself. I worry too much. I'm realizing a lot of my weaknesses and my strengths, and I want to know how to work around or use them. Unfortunate Events: found out I have to quit all my jobs soon, noticed someone stole my bike, had to listen to a lot of hurtful things from Jake, didn't sleep til 4am for lots of unnecessary reasons, missed a class, missed a meeting with my advisor and pissed him off, so on and so forth. I know everything my mom says is true. It's just hard to hear. I don't want to just throw everything away. And I worry because, though it sounds like I'm tootin' my own horn, I'm stronger than he is, by far. I know how to push myself and turn myself around and fix my problems and find help if I need it and accept new ideas. He is very stuck in his ways. There's nothing wrong with that, because clearly I am too. To a certain extent, we all are. But he's stuck in thinking things that I believe are immature, ignorant, naive, closed-minded, and they're holding him and consequently us back. He hurt me a lot with the words he said. How can someone get so angry they say all of these things. Jake doesn't know how to look back at the pain he once felt and realize that it's in the past and that since feeling such pain he has gained insight to why things went the way they did. He doesn't see progression or positive change. He looks back at past situations and associates them with past emotions. If he continues to feel old pain, he will never truly realize how it has become solidified by his own doing. He constantly reinforces these notions that he has collected and at times of stress or anger it all gets thrown in my face. If this entry doesnt make sense it's because Ive been writing it over a couple days. Since this ^^^ which I wrote on Friday, it's now Sunday and a lot has happened. I don't want to get into it except to say that I'm even more overwhelmed and have lost all of my patience. I can't even have a normal conversation with him without getting stressed out and fed up. I want us to be okay, but it will most definitely take time. We've made the decision to try some changes, mainly being that he will not gripe about me wanting to hang out, party, or anything with my friends. I won't have to feel obligated to "check in" with him or run all of my plans by him. I will without his reminders because the reminders make me feel like a child on a leash. I'm exhausted from all of this and am just trying to balance my school work and social life here. Our relationship is not going to be on my mind until I can bare it, and I can't right now. I tell him to stop sayng "I cant believe this, Im so hurt, Im so confused, Im so surprised, Why is this happening.." Oh my gosh, stop you're fucking whining! He says he understands and that he'll stop pestering me with unanswerable questions and yet he's texting me right now with the same attitude, griping about everything like its the end of the world. I feel sick to my stomach. Ate too much pie. Im just going to try and relax...

i have so much work to do, it's insane. im going to wake up early tomorrow to head to the printshop. im going to try and read some poetry tonight. but i really just feel like curling up and watching a movie. im really quite pissed. i bought some odwalla superfood which is like $3.75 here. i put my name on it AND wrapped it in a dish towel AND shoved it in the back of the fridge praying no one would find it. well someone stole it and they stole my dish towel too. how weird is that? that tiny bottle was expensive, so now i'm just hoping no one will take my bagel bites or cheesecake... number one on my christmas list: a mini fridge. i'm already trying to figure out which classes to take next term. i'm so excited. i thought i was through with photography but i think i'm going to get myself another fix. i'm gonna sign up for some environment based classes, of course. i'm also thinking about some literature classes. today i got my paycheck. i took $150 and hid it from myself. i need to save money for my internship this winter. things with jake are both good and bad. really good and really bad. i'm both his girlfriend and his therapist. btw, its a really hard job, so dont ever sign up for it. but anyways, i try all day to cheer him up, at night he sometimes gets happier if i'll skype with him but on nights like last night when i was so drained i fell asleep at nine, i don't think he was too happy. sometimes i wonder if i'm being good to myself by putting up with all of the tough stuff we're going through. it sucks to say this but i dont think i feel the distance as much as him. im actually quite independent after all, and im so busy all of the time, i really dont get as sad as he does. but i also think thats because he's got some depression issues. aside from that, i'd say the person im missing most is my sister :( sometimes i wish we went to the same school so that we could know the same people and have a bunch more to talk about, but i dont know anyone she knows and she knows no one i know so its sometimes boring listening to the other person talk about who said what and did what if you dont even know the person. awkward moment of the night: some girl points in the direction of my prints and asks if its mine. i said yes, and she went on to compliment it and say how much she liked the lines and marks. i said thanks and said a little bit about it, then noticed how confused she looked. just as i'd thought, i pointed at some other girls print and said "you were talking about that one werent you?" and she just said, without mercy, "ya i didnt even notice yours...oh ya but thats cool too....ya i like that.." awkward turtle. "thanks.."

i haven't written anything since i left for college. hmph. i've been here for over a month. i love it here, it's beautiful, every day is no matter what the weather. everyone here is really nice. it's hard to feel at home sometimes though. i don't feel that close to anyone here except maybe lena. she and i have had so many conversations. we've talked about culture, language, sex, alcohol, partying, drugs, war, school, people, boys, religion, animals, etc. i'm so happy she is my roommate. we're really a lot alike even though we grew up in completely different worlds. i love my house and i like everyone in it. i think i would feel a bit more at home if only the people in my suite were social. everyone on the hump (that's the suite i live in), doesn't talk. the only people that i ever talk to even a little bit are kaitlyn and sophie (from maine and l.a.) but sophie never really talks much except when she's drunk. they're both really sweet, cute, unique people and i like their styles a lot, but they have different groups of friends. lots of groups of friends. everyone seems to know everyone and i don't understand that.. i only know certain people and then like a creep i know of people just by accident. no one knows me. some people have "met" me three times because they forget that they ever met me in the first place which kind of hurts but i learn to get over it. it gets most lonely on weeks like this when i have so much work to do that i am either working non-stop or resting on my breaks or eating or showering or just doing things to get by. i have no time to socialize or sit and chat, at least not if i have class the next day. it will hopefully get easier despite the fact that after mid-term, i'll be adding another class to my schedule. i just pray about it. i have sixteen hours worth of class every week and i work thirteen hours. i have three jobs. im saving up money for my tuition and for my winter internship. i feel like i'm accomplishing a lot already and i'm meeting a lot of interesting people. it's like networking only the real kind, not facebook. i don't get enough sleep or enough food, but on weekends i binge. i used to talk to my mom almost every day but lately i haven't had the time to be calling anyone. my dad called me to tell me basically that he was disappointed that i didnt call my yiayia on her birthday and i like the major let-down that i am made it admittingly clear that i did not know it was her birthday. i dont know any of my grandparent's birthday except for my grandmother who passed but i only know that one because it almost always fell on thanksgiving. some people just don't remember birthdays. i had already intended to write postcards to everyone but i haven't gotten around to it either. my dad will never understand what it's like to go to college. he once said to me that when i get to college i should be getting a full time job too which is completely illogical. forty hours on top of my classes and schoolwork? and then when i told him that was a bad idea and that i would just be sticking to work study programs offered through my financial aid he said "ok, well i think you should get a job that isnt at your school like out in the real world". these are jobs in the real world no matter what he says and on top of that he doesn't seem to realize the benefits from my winter internship because i don't get paid for it. the last time i saw him before i left for school he told me how proud he is of me and ranted for about five minutes about it and then said "..buuut, it might have been a smarter decision for you girls to have gone to a community college for your first two years and then go to these dream schools of yours." that's when i realized that my dad will never be proud of me for real. and i also realized that i think i can live pretty well off without his pride in me. he doesn't understand how much i went through to earn this opportunity at this amazing school. he thinks that if i'm not making money, i'm wasting time. that if i went to a community college, i could go to school and work and maybe even only go to school part time. it just hurt to hear that he so strongly believed valerie and i should have thrown away all that we've accomplished just so we could "take our time". he honestly believed that the financial awards and scholarships our schools offered would have still applied in two years after going to smcc. he just doesn't understand. it hurts my feelings that my dad will forever be making me feel guilty about everything from forgetting a birthday to going to school two hundred miles away and making my dreams come true. i'm an adult now and i am who i am and if i'm the type of person that forgets a birthday here and there then so be it. i'm not perfect. anyway, back to the here and now. every morning i pull the shade up and stare at the beautiful view.

there is so much to do, it's crazy. this is just a little update before i have to continue my packing then go buy some more totes for storage. i feel so uneasy leaving home with everything the way it is. i want to try and make everything as easy for my mom as i can, so im buying more totes so that she wont have to repack with boxes. on top of all of the things on my mind, the basement is flooding. nice. well i'm going to go pack some more. so long maine!

i'm hoping that i am and/or will be one of the few people in this world who will actually do something!

I feel as though I am growing to understand you, and I am improving and you are improving, and you and I are meant to feel this way. I feel lucky for the sunny days we share, sitting with our feet in the air and not a care in the world; I'm happy that you and I can feel at peace together doing absolutely nothing. And mostly, at this moment, my heart is swollen with appreciation for you and what you do for me, and the times that you help me by simply holding me. I can't even count the number of times you let me cry on you and how such a simple thing can make me feel so like everything is right; it's like a hole in my heart has been filled.

i'm sorry for everything it seems i have put you through. i want so badly for you to realize that none of this bad was ever my intention and actually, never directly my fault.. i can't stop my world from spinning even when it's hurting you.

I'm going to be honest, you don't really deserve me to go easy on you. And I love how wishy-washy you are; when I try to be kind and calm to you, you say "don't sugarcoat, be honest" (though I actually am being honest, if you feel like you deserve worse than don't say the opposite), which is what you do when I don't bother putting effort into remaining calm, you act all innocent, as though you have every right to your feelings and you've done nothing wrong in accounting for them. No, there is nothing wrong with telling me how you feel about a situation, but YES, making me feel like shit for a series of things that by now, TWO YEARS into a relationship, you should have grown to accept or understand, (or at least just grown, just grow up), I shouldn't have to be tested constantly for my fidelity or sincerity. Just man up, and believe it for yourself. What do you have a problem with: -Well you added a very sour feel to Class Night because I didn't tell you ahead of time that part of the festivities was a dance. It should have been enough that I was texting you to tell you how much I missed you and wished I could dance with you. And your lack of an apology til this day has been noted. P.S. I only apologized after that squabble because you were being a baby and I was tired of waiting around for you to speak up. I know this all sounds harsh, but my basic "I'm sorry I upset you and didn't tell you this was a dance" was just that, basic, and in actuality, your "That's all I wanted Vanessa. I forgive you" really fucking pissed me off. YOU forgive ME? I didn't do anything wrong. I was basically apologizing for "hurting" your precious little feelings. Sorry I was actually part of a senior class and was actually participating in my senior events without running all of my plans by you. And if you don't remember correctly, you broke up with me about a week earlier, so, ya, we weren't really talking much at the time. -This was only a small instance, and I know I said the wrong thing and like an idiot didn't catch on. But EVEN IF I was in fact planning to hang out with Dan, just me and him, I honestly don't think you should have had a problem with it. Yes, I understand that I said the wrong thing; when you asked if it was just us hanging out I said yes thinking you meant just Dan, Val, and me. But that mistake aside, you ALWAYS keep your "weird"/"hurt" feelings inside until hours later. So I go on thinking everything is okay. By this time, you've stewed every sour feeling over in the pit of your heart for enough time that even when you do bring it up, oh say, two hours later, and I dumbfoundedly make the correction, apologize for the confusion, and even sprinkle on some promises of fidelity, you still are too torn up to even acknowledge the fact that NOTHING BAD HAS HAPPENED. You get like this because you don't just speak how you're feeling right away. If you had just said "That makes me feel a bit uncomfortable" in the hallway, as soon as I messed up what I was explaining, I would have caught my mistake, said "Oh no, that's not what I meant, sorry.." And you wouldn't have driven all the way home with negative thoughts weighing on your mind, so much so that they are fricken impossible to get rid of because, let's be honest, you magnify things my 100 and then set them in stone. I don't even know if you realize this, but yes, you take any feeling of hurt or wrongdoing and blow it up like a balloon and freeze it like that, so that it cannot be popped, poof!, gone, even after I say all that needs to be said to fix the original problem. THIS IS A PET PEEVE OF MINE. FUCKIN SPEAK UP! P.S. On this note, my original complaint: if I were to hang out with just Dan A) He is like a brother to me and you know this B) Again, two years, you should trust me!!, yadda yadda, trust trust trust -And the last thing that you have been doing lately, and even in just this past week alone, it feels like a new hobbie with me. Stop testing my feelings! I DO NOT like being out on the spot. And yes, if we're in my bed being chummy and then you feel the need to interrupt and say "Uh, wah, I feel like I like you more than you like me...I feel like you're not attracted to me..wah", don't expect me to feel encouraged to "show" you how I feel. I clam up in situations like that, because you put tons of pressure on me to PROVE to you that I feel the way I do. You are insecure. It's as simple as that, and insecurity is an issue that can only be fixed by the one who is insecure. Yes, only you can cure your insecurity. Putting me on the spot, saying things like you did yesterday ("I feel like you only want me as a friend..Idk...I just do...") and not accepting any of my promises (and by the way, ya, you completely ignored every text I sent that day with I love yous and I miss yous and, you know, bf/gf things), all of this is because you are insecure. I love how you say all of this shit, and then when I respond with really solid reassurance, your only response is "Hmmm." That's it. Is that a good thing? Do you feel better? Are you just..thinking? What? P.S. I really HATE how we have one date (one really nice date, btw) where we get some food, go shopping, go see a movie, come back to my house and fall asleep together, must mean we're only friends because we didn't fuck around first. I really really hate that. If there are nights when I don't feel particularly "in the mood", just get over it. I like spending time with you, but you must realize that nearly every single time we have spent a night together in the past two years, we have spent it messing around among other things. I don't see the problem with spending a night or two, or maybe a week! doing other things. Going places, seeing things, coming home, talking, sleeping. Sounds great to me. NO, I have not "gone cold". NO, I do not find you unattractive. NO, I do not want to be just friends. No offense, but taking into consideration what you said about relationships, how heavily you weigh them next to marriage, don't you see how even married couples do not spend every night in their bed of steamy, sticky romance? Your parents are in love, but they can spend a night just hanging out. Oh, they must just want to be friends then, right? Seriously. I'm trying to have fun with you, go places with you, make memories. Stop coating them with worries and challenges. When I text you "I miss youuuuuu", don't reply with this: "I miss you too I feel like you only want me as just a friend..." If I wanted to just be your friend, I would be texting to you sweet nothings all day. I love how smoothly you wove together an I miss you and another test of my feelings. And yes, I do refer to it as a test, because, whether you intend it to be this way or not, I am 100% obligated to respond to that comment in the most reassuring and convincing manner possible, despite the fact that, knowing you, it will not make you feel better. (And it didn't btw, this is where you "Hmmm." came in.) I think I'm done with this entry now. I know! It all sounds really harsh. But in reality, all of these harsh feelings are coming from the same soft center where I keep all my other feelings, feelings of jelly. I do not know what I am going to do without you. I have been with you for so long. I am going to miss every little thing about you. Your sense of humor, your laugh, your eyes, your smile, your mannerisms and quirks, your style, etc. I can't tell you all of these things though I know you want me to. I feel like everything is a competition: who is hurting more. I know that I am leaving you behind. But I don't think you understand that a lot of the time, my life, the choices I make, the paths I choose, always seem to be coming together in a whirlwind that just picks me up. I didn't choose my life to play out this way on purpose so that you would be left behind. I didn't decide "Yes, I want to leave Jake behind." You need to understand that you are not the only one in pain. Please, please! stop telling me that I am breaking your heart. I can't bare to hear that. Especially when, you don't understand that my heart is being broken too, and I'm not blaming you, so please don't blame me. It's all in the whirlwind, that's what's breaking our hearts. So let me clarify. I AM BITTER IN THIS ENTRY BECAUSE we are running out of time and you, chronologically have: -Resented me for "condemning you to a future without me" -Broken up with me -Missed me and started datng me again -Gotten mad at me for petty, immature reasons and -Challenged my sincerity, fidelity, and intentions So, does all of this not explain why I am feeling bitter by now? I am trying, very very hard, to find a way to cherish you without hurting you, but all I get in return is cries of pain and blame. I am the only one trying. Sometimes I feel as though I am the only one being smart about this. For a while, I convinced you not to break up with me (Please, I want to spend my summer with you before I leave), and you take that as "Wow, you're just using me!" Another example of how wrongly you interpret my intentions.. Then I just gave in. You want to break up with me: do it. You did it. We barely talked. Then you start talking to me again. And I talk back, because I love you, and, in the same manner that I let you be the one to break it, I wasn't going to be the one to push you away. But when you began to get angsty, as if you had the right to be mad at me for things like going to a dance, I was purely annoyed. And ever since that night, I have gotten a lot of challenges from you. I am doing nothing but going through the motions. I refuse to be the one to make the move, because last time I did that, I faced a whole month of you making me out to be some malicious, evil tormentor. So no. If this isn't working, then do something about it..I just need you to know.. That I do not want to lose you. I am very very very unhappy with the way that this is, dare I say, coming to an end. I have had countless memories, firsts, and feelings with/for you. The manner of our break is throwing all of that away. IT is, not me, not you, but there is something I/you can do about it. I have been trying. You have been scolding. I do not want to walk away from Maine and you and us with a sore heart all because I never got the chance to show you how I feel for you, in time, without pressure. I will find a way to say all of this to you, minus the former bitterness, though, and I say this without any harshness or resentment, just truth..you owe me a few apologies, love...

so i don't really care how strange our relationship is, because, he said it perfectly last night, our lives are, for lack of a better word, weird right now. i'm excited about a lot of things. i feel like i'm actually going places with my life, and i'm so lucky to have been given these opportunities. so many people have been saying such nice congratulations to me, not just simple congrats. reminders for all that i have done with my life up to now, and it's so weird to look around and see how right everyone is.. i never thought so highly of myself, but i'm beginning to feel a subtle twinge of pride and i'm going to just hold on to it until i graduate and then let it go. some things need more elbow grease than others. i need deal with all that financial stuff because, though i got a good financial aid award, i still need to pay some money soon, and my family has none, and my dad has opted out on child support for forever. im just praying for my family because soon, im not sure where we will be living, and once val and i move away, where my mom will be living. but no worries! im mostly excited, barely nervous, and learning to deal with the stress.

so i guess technically speaking, jake broke up with me last night. i'm doing okay, just hoping that he gets what he wants out of this. he told me he'd like to be my friend when he's ready but if i get a new boyfriend, he won't be able to be my friend anymore. to me, it's all whatever. if i get a new boyfriend someday i most likely will be away at college and maybe by then it will be easy to let go. right now it isn't that easy. i was feeling rather pathetic last night, it seemed like i was the only one holding on and i was just kind of let go. i hate that feeling. but for right now, i have a lot i need to think about, and i can't sit and dwell on this even though it is and has been one of the most important aspects of my life for the past two years. i think if he was reading this, he'd understand why i need to focus on other things. that's what he's trying to do himself, and at such a busy time in my life, i have no choice. if i were to wallow alone, curled up in a ball on my bed, nothing would get done. i'm still missing him a lot though, even right now. i'm going to see him in a week and then at my party but i've never had to treat an ex like a friend before. last time we tried that, we just ended up relapsing.

today's weather is my FAVORITE type of weather!!! now, im just sitting in my living room, cooling down after walking home. i have a lot of things on my personal summer to-do lists and many to read/to see/to listen to lists to complete. i love talking to my boss, she reminds me a lot of mrs. brinkman. we have a lot of things in common and she's so sweet. i got some good movie and book recommendations from her today, and on top of that she gave me a hefty discount on some treats for me and val. i love her. though i really just want to sit and relax and go play in puddles and watch some good movies, read some good books, i HAVE to write that essay for mrs. b-y. i know i can do it, i just don't want to. so i guess i'm technically not out of high school until i write that essay. well, as soon as val gets out of the shower, we are sitting down, chowing on some numnums, and talking. then i'll probably start on my essay. i wish i could write it outside, but if it downpours again, my laptop would be toast. jake update: tried talking to him last night. he's a big ball of depression and our conversation went no where. what. am i. to do. nothing, i have no choice. so i'm just gonna wait it out a while longer and enjoy this final upcoming week of seniority and i will see him at graduation.

It's strange that when some aspects of my life finally seem to be settling down, no longer adding to the heavy load, other parts of my life just blow up in my face. I know a lot of these things in my mind aren't all that recent or all that new. I know I've been through this before. And most of the time, when I talk to him about it, when I talk to other people about it, they all, everyone says the same old things, and I'm feeling like I need to do something new. It's not like he hasn't treated me that way before, the way he did on Sunday. I told him, before he even said anything, "The way you've been acting lately..it reminds me of last summer.." and most people don't know any details. But last summer was miserable. Especially towards the end. Jake turned into this insensitive guy who would say whatever he thought at the moment without even questioning whether it's honest, truthful, or fair. One of the worst fights happened last summer in which he listed a series of my flaws, told me other people in his life disapproved of me, made me feel like shit. And I, like the pathetic girl I am, stuck around, sucked it up and stuck around. And eventually he got better. He stopped being, for lack of a better word, mean. So this Sunday, I could just tell. He was acting wary. The night before, I woke up with a text telling me that his friends all think I don't like them, but he said it in a blaming way, and I replied with a variety of things: "Why do they say that?" "I've always liked them." "I'm sorry they feel that way." "Sometimes I feel like they don't like me much either." Feeling hurt and suddenly insecure, his only response was a mere "Idk.." Okay thanks for the reassurance. So then the next day I just said, "You're acting different. It seems like you're just dying to lash out at me, tell me everything you hate about me. I feel like that's what you were trying to get to last night." He doesn't really respond to this at first, but then slowly he eases his way into a painful tangent about how I'm subtly manipulative and that I make my friends feel like I hate them and that he feels the need to back both of us up when we're all together and that he feels under pressure and all of this stuff. And I just couldn't believe it. It WAS what he said to me last summer, only last summer, it was his family who hated me. Come to find out months later from his mom that that was never true, they never thought of me all of the things Jake said they did. It seems to me that his insecurities manifest into a series of blame attacks on me. And to top it all off, he has not gotten it into his head how I feel about my going away to college. We discussed it. We talked it out and worked at making a decision: do we stay together (try the long distance thing) or do we break up. Or do we stay friends even? Idk. Well, he asked me over a month ago this question and I said to him: "We could try staying together but the only thing is..I can't even imagine you being a mere friend because I don't think you'll ever talk to me again." And his response: "To be completely hoenst Vanessa, I'm probably never going to call you or talk to you." And this I knew. Jake is kind of sensitive. He would probably implode if he called me while I was at college. Why? Because he cannot handle the idea of having to talk to me about life if my life does not consist of him. And even in the present, when he is in my life, he still can't hold a conversation with me because now his whole attitude is "You're graduating. I"m not. You're going to college. I'm not. You're leaving. I'm not." It's a big pity party that I can't do anything about and he's even told me flat out that he envies me, that I make him feel insecure by going to college. Wtf. He has the ability. He's had the ability all year to study and graduate on time. As a matter of fact, if he'd started his schoolwork in September like everyone else, he actually could have graduated before me. So, as I was saying, Jake wouldn't be able to talk to me while I'm at college. Any question like "Hey, Vanessa. What are you doing?": he wouldn't be able to ask it. Because my response would be something that doesn't involve him. Going to study. Going to class. Going to this event or that event. Whatever, it doesn't matter. He's so hypersensitive to it. It would make him miserable because he would weakly wallow in his self pity even longer being reminded of what I'm doing. Not only that, but of course he's paranoid about me meeting other people. Blah, it's not even my main concern right now. I've got other things on my mind. But back to the big question. Do we stick together or break apart. Well, after he told me he probably wouldn't be able to talk to me at all, I said "Well..how do you suppose we have a successful (as in stable or healthy) relationship if you would never talk to me or ask my about my life?" And to this, he sort of just sighed, seeming to say "You know me Vanessa. I just can't do it that way." Well, when this conversation ended, I made the decision. We can't stay together. If we do, we will, what? Suffer for three more months before we give up? Be tied down by strings that reach across two states? And for what? A Christmas visit? If he isn't even willing to talk to me, let me know he's here, get busy with his own life and grow here while I grow there, I don't see how we can have anything more than a sad, far away friendship. And so I'm hoping that by easing the stress of deciding whether to keep going "strong" or break apart, I've opened some doors to a new way of staying in touch. And what do I get for this ability to accept...a lot of hell. Jake believes I'm insensitive. He's told me that it seems as though I took our two year relationship as a joke because I can "let go so easily". This is not true! It's not easy, especially being the one that needs to man up and say "Let's not beat around the bush. A long distance relationships w/o phone calls would be torture. Let's just savor what we can, and learn to let go together." I feel VERY good about myself for having made this decision practically ON MY OWN. I am not going to baby him for being unable to chit chat with me while I'm away. I'm not going to make promises like "I promise I won't date anyone. I promise I won't forget you. I promise I won't talk to anyone." and all the other things he's paranoid about just to ease his mind and sacrifice my own freedom to live. He thinks I'm evil, or at least he treats me as though I'm evil. Under the circumstances, this is how I want it to be: we agree that a long distance relationship will painfully fail with the restraints that are being put on it and for the time being we should cherish this summer TOGETHER and work through our pains TOGETHER. His ideal method: "I want to break up with you so that I can start teaching myself to live without you as soon as possible because it just hurts too much." Wow, isn't that the weakest, saddest, and cruelest way to break up with someone. He's told me countless times how badly he wants to "stop caring about me." As if it's supposed to make me feel good that he cares "so much it hurts". That doesn't make me feel good. I asked him how he'd feel if he didn't spend the summer with me and then I left and something happened to me. I asked if he'd regret not spending the last few months with me. He thought this question was cruel; I was just trying to be realistic. Three people in my family have died in the last four months. I've been reminded of the value of spending time with those I love a million times over. But his answer to my question? "Actually, I'd be happier knowing that I didn't make your last months miserable with my depressing attitude." Nice to know that he wouldn't wish he'd spent more time around me. I don't know how to put into words how much that silly little comment hurt me. He wouldn't want to spend the last months of my life with me? What if I had a terminal illness and had three months left? Would he avoid me like he is now just to "get rid of the pain" of loss. What the fuck. I know this isn't death, but I still want to be with him before I leave. It hurts so much that he thinks I'm being malicious by "putting him through the misery" of "falling more into love" with me before I leave. Whatever happened to Better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all? This was quite the rant. But we're just at a stalemate right now. I love him so much, even though all of my family and friends have had plenty of unkind things to say about him this past month. We're kind of keeping our communication at a minimum right now just so he can "work on himself" like he wanted to. At least for a couple weeks. It's hard. I feel like he hates me. But, aside from that, I do feel good knowing that I am strong enough to accept the future and not so weak that I crumble and abuse and neglect and wallow.

my life is difficult to describe at the moment. i'm busy as usual but at the same time, i feel as though i'm not doing anything but waiting. my mind is on so many things: my friends, how they are, what they care about, which ones matter or which ones i matter to my family, how my mom is holding up, how well she will hold up, praying no one else will die though the tally is three at the moment.., wondering how my dad is, wondering what my dad did with my money, etc. (this list never ends) my boyfriend, how he is, wondering if he resents me.., wondering what will happen to us, hoping we can reach some sort of understanding, hoping he won't stop talking to me when i leave.. :( my body, my classes, my future, my possessions, my habits, myself, my income, etc. i'm not exactly worrying about any of these things. just thinking about them. just speculating. and like i said, waiting.

"as harsh/sad/strange as it sounds" sometimes i wish i was a writer sometimes i wish i was a reader sometimes i wish my dad would call me first sometimes i wish i never watched tv sometimes i wish people would depend on me sometimes i wish my mother would cook dinner just for us sometimes i wish every christmas wasn't in a different home sometimes i wish my stepmother never tried so hard sometimes i wish my friends were more reliable sometimes i wish alcoholism wasn't something i grew up around sometimes i wish people would understand why rather than look at me as prudish/closed-minded sometimes i wish i could cook more than four different recipes sometimes i wish my mom listened more when she's sober sometimes i wish my dad wasn't better with eight year olds than eighteen year olds sometimes i wish my dad's side of the family talked more about important things sometimes i wish people could find a way to be both honest and forgiving sometimes i wish jake and i never broke up sometimes i wish i never hung around nate for those couple of weeks sometimes i wish i never talked to bas about certain things sometimes i wish i never talked to lots of people about certain things sometimes i wish my mom wasn't rude to people sometimes i wish my mom didn't feel so insecure sometimes i wish people wouldn't judge the situation with my dad sometimes i wish my sister or mom would go take a walk with me sometimes i wish i was determiend enough to take a walk alone sometimes i wish i still had a bicycle sometimes i wish i knew what exactly i wanted in life sometimes i wish vermont wasn't so far away sometimes i wish i could know who the person is upstairs who coughs all night and day sometimes i wish i could know if they're alright sometimes i wish living in so many different neighborhoods didn't make me ignore my neighbors sometimes i wish someone would just come give me a job sometimes i wish people would just ask me all the reasons why i don't have one rather than try to make me believe i'm pathetic for it sometimes i wish the friends i used to have would talk to me like they used to sometimes i wish we didn't ignore any sign that the other might not be okay sometimes i wish my sister still lived here sometimes i wish everyone in the world cared at least a little about our environment sometimes i wish i had stuck with ballet sometimes i wish i could hang out in the woods without freaking out about ticks sometimes i wish i never brought you camping that second time sometimes i wish i wasn't leaving sometimes i wish i didn't climb out the window sometimes i wish i talked more to my grandmother sometimes i wish i had all of my classes with mrs. brinkman sometimes i wish i could freak out on all of the people in my advisory sometimes i wish people didn't think it was cool or comfortable to be mean to another sometimes i wish started the green life club back up again at school before now sometimes i wish people didn't tell me to talk quieter sometimes i wish i exercised sometimes i wish i wasn't a hypochondriac sometimes i wish i wasn't such a packrat sometimes i wish i could save everything i value in a file cabinet like the one God has in bruce almighty sometimes i wish i enjoyed cleaning sometimes i wish a train went to bennington sometimes i wish i wasn't so physically weak sometimes i wish my mom didn't try so hard to impress guys sometimes i wish my dad had come to my grandmother's funeral sometimes i wish my father still brought home bill's pizza for the last couple of years that we visited sometimes i wish i wasn't the first one to reach out and that even when i am, it means something sometimes i wish i never did and never would feel like the littlest things are unsaid competitions sometimes i wish i prayed more aloud or on my knees

i'm not going to bother with the details. i just hope this doesn't ruin anything.

i can't explain how angry it makes me to see my sister so hurt by someone else's selfish words. i find myself feeling caught between wanting to say something and believing i shouldn't get involved. even she says don't get involved because we both know it's the mature thing to do, but i do not agree with the things said tonight, and i completely understand where valerie is coming from. if i could say something, this is what i'd say in a nutshell: hey, i don't care about whatever right you felt you had today when you decided it would be okay to attack my sister. we all know you're a passionate person and your opinions once made rarely change, but in a case where someone's feelings and comfort weren't in the least bit spared, there should be a time soon that you realize how wrong you can truly be. to believe that any act or situation gave you the right to pry and blame and talk down to is an illusion. it may be that you see what you want to see in situations in which you wish you could say what you want to say. but there is no excuse for the stress, frustration, and tears you caused on val's part, not even your own impression of the situation. you got what you wanted in the end, to not be "out of the loop", but calling up my sister and telling her she has no respect for friends and implying that she believes her friends to be judgemental people are acts triggered by assumptions that instead caused you to both disrespect and judge her. valerie may have forgiven you, but your apologies only go so far when you state "i'm sorry i hurt you, but i stand by what i said earlier". that statement takes none of the pain away, and if i have to listen to anymore intellectual rants about any of the wrongs people have done you, then i'm just going to look you straight in the eye and say learn to accept people for how old-fashioned, ignorant, or PRIVATE you may think they are because you, no matter how strong-willed and passionate you may be, do not have the power to change people. if you make my sister cry again, i'm going to say something. i want you to be my friend, but you do not know enough about people to sit back and tell my sister what is wrong with her. i hate situations like this. i love her, but my sister deserves just as much respect as she does. and out of bitterness imma say probably more!