Sometimes I think Im hopeless, and I hope less, and I worry too much for my own good. While so many terrible occurances seemed to immerge, quietly, behind the scenes, so many pieces were falling together. Im so happy despite of my loss, and my troubles. Ive found comfort in the small things. Happiness in my simplicity. Faith in love, once again. I was scared for a month. Scared that things were coming to a screeching halt. All the fighting, and yelling, and anger. Its as if nothing could be said without stirring uo some negative emotion. And most days we just looked for an excuse to make the other outraged, it seemed. I cried a lot that month. Most of the nights I was alone, safe in my bed, silently crying to myself. The wall. Nothing. Anything at all. Sometimes its so easy for me to just accept being beaten down because in nearly every aspect of my life a man has done it. Once you have experienced something one to many times, you become accustomed to the abuse. We were both to blame. Somedays I just felt as if I could never do anything, say anything right. I hated knowing we were going to fight before I even started the day. Tension took away most of the happiness and excitment that I had just to see him. And it killed me. Because for the first time I know that Im in love. The other day..when he held me, in my car, with the windows open and katie and nick in the front seats..he whispered how sorry he was for everything. And for the first time I could tell this was from his heart. I could feel how sorry he was. I could legitimately feel how much he loved me at that moment. And I cried. And Im crying now. Because ever since, I have seen such a difference. Such a change in character, and action. We're both trying so hard. And its that push of effort that is bringing everything back to the beginning of things. I love him. I love him more than I have ever loved anything. EVERYONE messes up. EVERYONE puts their best foot forward for the beginning of things, and then slowly withdraws it when in a comfortable enviroment. EVERYONE stumbles, and fights, and feels like "its the end". But the ones who are strong enough to overcome, and to forgive, and to try are the ones who will last forever. For what its worth, we have an amazing relationship. And we always have. And from time to time there will always be bumps in the road. But no matter how little gas, or how long the drive.. i never want the road to end. He gave me a gold bracelet today for our four months. He thought I would think it was ugly, but I wish I could express to him, still, how much i love it. How I never want to take it off. I wish I could describe how devestated I was when I thought I broke it for good. I love it. Its beautiful. I'm in love. I really am.