I cant think right now, and ironically, I cant stop thinking right now. Im living one big oxymoron. I will not speak my thoughts. I will not speak my thoughts. I will not speak my thoughts. This night has been so good, and so terrible in so many aspects of the words. I dont even know how to process, or function, or live. I will not be afraid. I told myself this. But I am. And that fear has nothing to do with lack of trust. I push people away, and I am so very aware. I wish I could have an outflow of emotion. I want to cry, and scream, and laugh, and live. But more importantly, I want to forget. Forget what I was told growing up, and forget how I was treated before I met him. He makes me so happy, and sometimes I wish that the happiness I feel could be put in to words. If my love for him could be spilled forth on to pages, and formations of books, I could easily cover and fill the whole universe with my libraries. And it still wouldnt be enough. And I really dont know what I would do without him. And I dont want to know. And I feel like I tasted that terrible nightmare tonight. It scared me. And I believe him. And I want to believe in myself. I want to believe that things work out. Because I sure as hell know that I want them to. And that Ill work for them too. I watched my best friend fight with his girlfriend every day of their relationship for nine months. The worst fights. And sometimes, he was the most sad Ive ever seen. But to this day, he still misses her and wishes they stayed together. Fights can be worked through. Fights are inevitable. Me finding someone half as amazing, cute, and perfect? Not so easy. I just need to stop thinking. To stop being so goddamn scared of anyones next move. Of my own next move. Life is so easy when youre a robot. I wish I was unable to feel right now. Thats all I want. To be numb. Its so much easier.