I cant even begin to explain how shitty I feel. I try to scrounge my brain for any type of answer or outcome but none is to be found. I just cant believe this happened. And Now i have to deal with the thoughts continuously clogging up my head, and weighing me down.

Im a failure. And Im sorry. I never meant for this to happen. If I could have stepped back and saw hours before the event, and seen the outcome, I wouldnt have believed it myself. But trust me when I say I would never do anything like this again.

I know I was rough, and Im sorry. I wasnt trying to be. I was just high, and tired, and frustrated. You push my buttons, you really do. And I didnt mean to snap. I have a bad complex with "proving people right". The whole "Oh, you THINK this is crazy?! Ill show you crazy", kind of thing. And instead i should be proving people wrong.

I wasnt beating you. I wasnt attacking you to the point of inflicting wounds on you, or severe pain. I was simply chasing you for my phone, and trying to grab your hat and throw it. I know we were fighting but in that moment, I just wanted to break down and cry. And we both know this is just one big misunderstanding. I am not abusive, and I think thats what hurts the most out of this whole ordeal. Being charged with "domestic violence" even though you didnt charge me, and couldnt help me, makes things look so bad for me. I am not that person. And now, I dont know how to show people that. Because all anyone is going to see is my charge.

Granted, once the story is explained they can see what a group of idiots those security men, and cops were. You pushed me, and thats why they came over. They asked me if I was ok. Made sure you never did stuff like this before And then somehow I got carried off in handcuffs.

What makes me so sad is that I know I slipped up. And I defend myself even still because Im afraid to say "I was wrong" because then Im afraid that means Im acctually admitting that Im abusive, but...Its just not like that. I had a moment. A cold, black out moment. All i wanted was to get my phone and go. And so I chased you around for it. And I grabbed at you and tried to tear your hat off your head so I could have some sort of collateral. I never meant it to be vicious. I would never hurt you. And even though I know you know this, and all my friends do, its the outside world I worry about. I am not a violent person. Which is why its ironic that Im charged for being one. Im glad that we can get through this.

I just hate the guilt.

I am sorry for all of this. I cost us more money. More problems. And now, we cant see one another till this is all sorted out in court. And for what!? The way we wrestled in the parking lot yesterday was the way you always wrestle with me. Or the times you pin me down, and dont let go. Or you bite me. We wrestle, and we're rough with eachother but we arent abusive to one another.

I see now that we would have gone to jail so many times if they looked in our bedroom sometimes, and saw how rough we can be when we wrestle.

I am not this person. I am ashamed for acting the way I did. For even being mad that day. I cant even remember why now. I just was, and I hate myself for it. I guess I deserved for you to call me crazy because thats exactly how I was being. I deserve it all. And Im so sorry I put us through this.

My eyes have been opened. And I learned a lesson that even your first slip up could be your worst consequence. That I need to act differently, and camly in the midst of an argument. I need to calm myself, breathe, and do anything but chase you around in public, apparently.

I love you Chris. I love you more than anything. I know you forgive me. And you love me. ANd that you said nothing would ever come between us. Even this big misunderstanding.

I know you said I was rough, but you also said I shouldnt have gotten arrested, or was doing anything violent.

My stomach is in knots. I wake up, and I cant go back to bed because I feel so sick and anxious.

Everything happens for a reason.

Well, this better be a damn good reason..