I dont even know how to start this. Where to begin. I had it all written out in my head. For days. Months. Nights. I know exactly what I want to say to you, and exactly what I NEED to say, but its so much harder when I get the chance. You, each and every one of you, has become just a mess of negativity in my life. I have never, in all my years in being on this earth, have met a group of people so focused on flaws, so ignorant, and judgmental than you three. How do I even begin to say how terrible you have managed to make me feel? I sit back and think of all the good times we have had, and it makes me wonder how things have ever gotten to this point. A big portion of me wants to miss all of those times, but I find it hard to feel that way anymore. You have made me resentful, and maybe I cant blame anyone else but myself for that feeling. But nonetheless, I feel it. How do you expect me to try? What do you expect me to feel? Or say? Or do? When all you do is kick me when Im trying. I try and talk to you, I try and be there, and I try and be your best friend, but when I do you are spiteful. Mean. Malicious. You say things that make me feel "Why am I even trying right now?" And then a week goes by. Two. Four. And occasionally, I try again. BECAUSE THOSE FOUR WEEKS OF NOT TALKING WERE FOUR WEEKS OF BUILDING UP COURAGE. Four weeks of pushing myself to try again. And after almost a year of it, Im done trying. Granted, none of us tried very much. But we all need to pat ourselves on the back for any effort. How can I possibly try to renew myself, when all you guys ever do is hold things over my head? And its at this moment that I have to stop and think.. WHY would I want friends who make me feel terrible about myself? Who condemn me for descions that THEY dont approve of. Who never let me live down any of the things Ive ever done? Who dont listen to me? Who constantly blame me, AND ONLY ME, for the mess gone wrong in our relationship. I ALWAYS take the blame. I have apologized countless times. I have blamed it all on myself, and FOR WHAT? Its time for me to stick up for myself. I have apologized for anything I have done to any of you that has hurt you in any way. MILLIONS of times. And I have always said TO YOU that your desicion in being happy with HIM never was the reason for us not being friends. But you never listen. Always looking to put the blame somewhere that involves me. And that seems petty. I am tired of trying to fit up to your standards of the PERFECT friend. Of being put on a fucking pedastle only to fall that much farther down than I was placed. You do not know me And likewise, I do not know you. You laugh, and complain, and whine that I will never understand where you are coming from, and I find it funny that neither will you. All you can find it in your heart to be is selfish. Selfish about how YOU FEEL and HOW YOU WERE TREATED. Never once taking a step back to realize that you hurt me to. With your words. With your insensitivity. With YOUR lack of effort too. Not just mine. With your slander about me behind my back. With your ignorance. With your condemnation. With your assumptions that I TRY to be this person, and that person. That I try to dress this way, and act this way. FUCK YOU. I am who I am. You wouldnt know because you arent in my life. And for once, I am happy about that. You want to delete me from your life? GO AHEAD. We're all almost half way there. Im not going to keep you around just so that you can throw my mistakes back in my face. It makes me sick to think of how we always said we'd love eachother no matter what. Your love is fucking conditional. The only reason you loved me was because I WAS JUST LIKE YOU. Now that Im not you hate me. Because Ive "changed." Crazy, isnt it? Change. We all change. We all have changed. Thats inevitable. I am not always going to be the same. My style. My music. My hair. My face. The way I act. BECAUSE EVERYTHING AROUND ME IS CHANGING. And havent you realized that its hard to cope? Its hard to do anything. Im still trying to figure who I am. What I want. Im still trying to FIX my mistakes. But you all make that impossible. I just wish you would all leave me alone.