What a pathetic thing to waste my fiftieth entry on. Im so livid, and at the same time i want to break down and cry. I cant handle any of this, and I scare myself because I push things that much harder to the brink of it all. I hate how she can just go on with her life and not give two shits that things with us arent ok. As much as she pisses me off, and annoys me, and frustrates me..She will always be my best friend. I wish things were mutual. I know that we both havent made very many attempts when it comes to spending time together. And I understand that two very important boys have entered into the picture for the both of us. But I wish that those boys didnt over shadow something that was once very important. Im not okay without her. And Ive tried to show that. Ive texted her, and Ive tried to talk. But I feel like she is content just having him. And I sit, and I wonder why Im even bothering to try. Why am I even texting? She cares so greatly about his feelings. To not hurt him. To not upset him. What about mine? WHAT ABOUT STICKING UP FOR ME WHEN YOUR ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND VERBALLY CURBSTOMPED ME? Why didnt you speak up then? Im beginning to reaize that she feels I will always stick around. Yet, she feels she needs to keep him around. Her security about our relationship makes it that much more tense. Because Im not going to always be there. Im already gone. She blatantly gave up caring about my feelings to start caring for his. And things are quite obvious. I never once got jealous, or insecure when Mari started dating Dave, but how shes been acting lately has got me feeling otherwise. If this is how its going to be, then I can smile and pretend that Im ok. But Im not. And I wont be. I realize that we both have done stupid shit to eachother. This is happening because the both of us have let it. I just wish she cared. I just wish that she didnt only care about him, and parading around with my ex. Why are things so messed up? Sometimes I think people pretened to care about me only because my father died. Now that its been a month theyve turned back into heartless assholes. I wish he was still here. I wish I wasnt so confused.