Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey #384: I don't think I can be hypnotized. This hypnotist tried to hypnotize me one time, but he couldn't. And I tell him that each time I go over to wash his car, which is every Wednesday. *** I hurt: mommy I love: everybody I hate: nobody I cry: a lot I fear: death, loneliness, failure, pain I hope: too often I sadden: a lot of people I feel alone: when I think about God I kill: plants. Not on purpose. I talk: too much I listen: well I break: everything I see: what is there I smell: clear sky I taste: blood I work: whenever the deadline is tomorrow I remember: smiling I hold: hands I hide: nothing I pray: out of despair I walk: from class to class I drive: not that often I read: thick confusing books with hidden meanings I burn: incense I breathe: air I play: people I miss: being small I touch: no one I want: love I wish: there was a heaven I know: there might not be I said: I’m sorry I dream: Beautiful things I have: weakness and fear I fall: down the stairs I wait: constantly. I need: a smile I live: just fine. Last time you: Smiled?: right as I got up Cried?: last night Bought something?: Tuesday. Dangley Chinese character earrings that said “love” on them. Danced?: this morning Were sarcastic?: last night Kissed someone?: four months, maybe. I’ve never kissed Had a nightmare?: two nights ago Last book you read?: The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tang Last movie you saw?: Iron Jawed Angels Last song you heard?: Famous Monster Last thing you had to drink?: Mix of half diet coke with lemon and half ginger ale Last time you showered?: last night Last thing you ate?: piece of a Mardi gras king cake. THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW 1. A white shirt that has a cartoon horse on a broomstick on it and says “Hairy Trotter” 2. very mismatched pink, blue, yellow, and orange plaid pajama pants 3. a purple watch THREE THINGS ON MY DESK 1. An open notebook with doodles of small dragons 2. To Kill a Mockingbird 3. crayons THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE 1. Do something worthwhile 2. get married, have kids 3. falls asleep and go into a dream so I wouldn’t know if I had died or not THREE GOOD WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY 1.} funny 2.} creative 3.} clever THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY 1. cynical 2. arrogant 3. slothful THREE PARTS OF MY HERITAGE 1. Russian 2. Russian 3. Russian THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY 1. eyes 2. waist 3. backside THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY 1. hips 2. tummy 3. thighs THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME 1. he hurt me 2. I don’t care 3. I hate everybody in one way or another THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST 1. Moo 2. your mom 3. “…..(insert something here), yo.” THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO 1. canada 2. that really remote island…The Women’s Isle, or something. I hear the ocean is nice there. 3. japan NAMES THAT I GO BY 1. Li-chan 2. Cowboy Bob 3. Lily 4. Lillers 5. Lillith 6. Luna 7. Lili ** beautiful day outside. It really is.