Matthew's going to Mississippi on Thursday to Peggy's to be sold. I'm beside myself with conflicting emotions. They're shipping the chestnut down here for me, but I feel horrid about Matthew. He's my best friend, and my baby, and my partner. How can I just send him away? I'm keeping my mouth shut, not saying anything because I'm supposed to treat him as an athlete and a show horse. It's hard, though, every time I think about him I get choked up and just want to die. I just don't know whether to be happy that I'm going to have the horse of my dreams, or depressed that the most willing, beautiful, loving friend I've ever had is going away and won't even be able to understand why. I've been crying for a while, now, and I still can't figure it out, and I still hate it. Shit, shit, shit.