sitting here watching will and grace, hating my other computer because the mouse is broken--still. I'm feeling anxious and unhappy as of late, and even worse because i'm not allowed to say why. I'm worried because they don't know how bad it is yet and mom says she's going to call home later to tell me. I hate waiting for answers like that. bad answers. answers that hurt. I wish I were still at the barn. I've spent my entire spring break there and totally miss it right now. When I'm home alone I just sit around staring at the wall or lie around staring at the ceiling, or sleep or eat copious amounts of peanut butter by spoon or something else unhealthy, like watch TV. Atleast when I'm at the barn I'm constantly in motion, constantly doing something, constantly breathing fresh air and feeling good. Constantly immersed in the world of Equus, never ceasing a happy reverie of cowboy magic and swishing tails and clopping hooves in the washrack. I love everything about it. I love washing matthew's socks, and jumping, and scratching his face after a ride with a towel. I like feeling his snuffly nose press into my hands when he's eating carrots because he knows I'm catching the bits he loses. I love everything, even my hands turning blue from the quicksilver. I wish I was there now, instead of sitting here waiting for a death sentence.