It has started. I've got the papers begun to divorce Evan, but i got stuck when it asked about what was wrong with our relationship. I want to put it behind me and even now i have to look backwards to see what i don't want to anymore. I don't want to think about the verbal abuse and the lack of intimacy and the pain and the hurt and all of it blamed on me. I don't want to tell the state that my husband who was supposed to love and protect me, isolated me and physically hurt me. I still have difficulty with talking about it.

I can't help feel hopeless... or lonely. I know that if i ask friends will be there for me, but right now i don't want to ask. I don't want someone that knows what's going on to ask me out of pity. I want someone that doesn't know to show up out of nowhere and tell me that i'm awesome and Evan should die in a fire... without ever saying those words.

I'm tired of talking and i just want things to happen.

So here i am. with an ulcer in my stomach, living in my parent's basement slowly but surely cleaning and organizing their home because i know they are just used to it. dragging my dad to the gym in an effort to make a dent in his diabetes and unemployed... with credit card debt, medical bills, and the cost of filing for divorce not to mention my car all looming over my head. To make this all just a bit worse, Evan is asking for payment for his debt and i still haven't paid on my car or it's insurance yet.

Can someone be my knight in shining armor? ...exept that i can't have a knight because i'm married.

Nope, i'm in a hole and this time there isn't anyone that can help me.