sometimes i start to question myself and why im here. it makes me mad not to understand these things. ive been a little on the low side lately. something quite unsual. its just been one of those rare weeks. bc if your around me enough youll see that its hard to get me down and that im a half glass full person. but this weekend i felt like i lost trust in people and myself. i let my guard down and i know i shouldnt let that happen bc those are the times when im more vulnerable to things people say to me. i stopped denying and realized that just like everyone else i have some self esteem issues. i think thats why i think alot before i speak and nearly 3 quarters of the time dont say what id really like to bc im afraid someone might shut me down. sometimes im too nice to people i shouldnt be nice to at all. sometimes i wish i could be really mean and then maybe people wouldnt bother me. bc in all reality i dont care what other people think. there is no one to impress. something else on my mind: lead guards at work and their big heads. they can be cocky. they think they are cool bc they can throw great parties and they have authority, but really? i think their assholes that need to be redirected. some of them i do like though. im just tired of being all nice and stuff. well im depriving myself of sleep and i should really quit thinking about all this right now. goodnight.