apparently I've been scammed. hmm. isnt this some shit. ahhhah. man its funny. it really is. I sacrificed everything for a better life, to give my brother a better chance. Maybe he wouldn't have to struggle like i did i thought. Yeah well I'm getting fucked in the ass..repeatedly, not literally. i made the choice. so its almost an internal battle. im searching for the inspiration and the determination to suck it up. because thats whats expected. man im human. i really do have feelings when im pretending i dont. im required to pretend i dont feel, because im a "soldier", not a hero. but then i started to think, there are better ways to do this. i shouldnt have to be unhappy. i want nothing more than to be a woman of my word, and fufill my commitment, to the papers, my brother is my inspiration, because i want to provide for him a better chance at life, but i already have enough money for him to go to college,but i don't believe anyone deserves to live this kind of life, except maybe for the ignorant who have come to accept the circumstances of the choice we made. they prefer the security. and people inside this so called "mafia" don't understand when someone realizes this is not where they're meant to be. its complicated. i took that oath so i could be free, but it was like looking in the window and not really knowing whats for sale but you take the chance out of desperation and buy what they have to offer. i bought a life in a cage. i hate waking up everyday, people tell me how to live my life, how it will be spent, how to fold my underwear, and they call this normal. Ahha this isnt normal. Breaking free is constantly underneath itching at my skin, but how. how do i accomplish this? am i making the right choice? it sounds selfish, but i've seriously considered, just leaving and doing what i want with my life. people back home, the ones you leave behind, i left everything behind and its been a struggle. i didnt know i would have to give everything up. i never thought id be on the other side of the playing field, to find freedom you must give it up and im learning the hard way. i never realized the sacrifices made until i had to make them myself. im not a hero because i made these sacrifices though so dont get the wrong idea. im starting to understand the angst of other people in the business. we gave up all freedoms to give everyone else theirs and i dont even think that they could even come close to understanding how it feels to be in this position until you've walked the two moons. we live lonely, bitter lives.. i wont settle though and i refuse to give up.