so this year has been one of the most difficult ive dealt with. you would think as you get older that life can only go up. well thats only half true. these grown up things are much harder to deal with than i thought. decisions, moving for better opportunities, leaving everything behind, and moving on gets harder the longer im here. death has become so common for me this year that i dont even cry anymore at the funerals. ive had 8 so far this year. more than ive ever had in my entire lifetime. i cant help but try to deny it for a little while. i just dont want it to sink in. its been about a month now since ryans death, and ya know, it hit me hard for a while during and after the viewing, seeing him there so lifeless and blue, thats not the way i pictured seeing him for the last time. in the back of my mind i still somewhat believe that hes still doing the things he always did and that all of this didnt really happen.. that hes really not dead. he was such an amazing person. i remember all the memories like yesterday. it feels so weird. a feeling im not familiar with. it will pass with time im sure. but i will never forget.