Well. I've never blogged before just because I wanted to write; virtually all my entries are brought on by an experience, or a certain occurrence or emotion. And even more so, I have never blogged just because I wanted to write on a specific topic. This entry's topic?: Religion. -gasp-. I know. I think I actually want to discuss a specific topic. Not my usual, but still Completely Me. That Frankmusik reference came out of nowhere.

Okay, I'll admit that this entry is somewhat spurred on by the religion class we had today. But really, this is an accumulation of my most recent thoughts on Catholicism and Christianity, with a little flavor of Buddhism, thanks to today's first block class.

I've been baptized, reconciled, given the Eucharist, confirmed, and sent to Catholic school in the 17 years of my existence. I never really had a problem with it. I used to be very conservative (I still am, but before, I was unreasonably so), and I never had a problem with any of the canons of the Church. I liked the pope, my church community, and yes, I had a belief in God. Ever since I prayed the rosary in front of Mother Mary's sanctuary that one time I thought my world was going to end, that one time when I was so incredibly distressed by the current turn of events. I have believed in miracles. I have believed in the power of God and that he will grant guidance and grace to those who ask for it with an earnest heart. My heart was earnest then.

I was not any more pure-minded back then than I am now. Confession scared me, as it still does, and the shame of every confession still brings me to tears. It still does. Dr. Morton once told me that those tears were God's grace when I wrote about my proclivity to crying during confession. I believed her.

But it was also Dr. Morton who planted these seeds of doubt in my head. I surfaced from sophomore year without a scratch -- my grades were intact, and so was my faith in God. I read The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and absolutely loved it. I related to the book in so many ways, and it really enlightened me. That was so long ago that I seriously ought to read that book again. But though my general well-being was intact, I had yet to see the cracks in my faith. It wasn't until this sen10r year that I can see the crumbs falling away.

Dr. Morton read us passages directly from the Bible that stated how Jesus had brothers and sisters. As I am writing this now, I reason this by saying that perhaps, if this were true, perhaps Mother Mary had them after she had Jesus. Which wouldn't take away anything from her Immaculate Conception, nor from his divinity. I feel like I had another piece of knowledge to use for support for my following confession, but it doesn't seem to come to mind now.

My confession: I have been having doubts that Jesus was God.

Honestly, I think that all this is coming from my exposure to other world religions, as my school's curriculum has so granted me. Islam and Judaism both see Jesus as a great prophet, as a man of great virtue -- but not God. I had the same thought bothering my brains in the recent past, and I can recall two specific things that contributed to this qualm. The first is the fact that my best friend Moleca is Buddhist. She has a heart of good and actively pursues it more than me. And though I have doubts that she is content with her self, I still believe in the worth of action. And certainly, the weight of her good actions would outweigh mine. However, I do admit that lately, I have come to terms with myself somehow, and I do believe that I am more content with the self I am than she is with hers. She may have a better mentality about things and how to handle things, but I have the better mentality about coming to grips with things. About coming to grips with myself. Yes, about accepting oneself.

The second catalyst in all of this must be the sermons I have been hearing at St. Eugene's. They are SO incredibly conservative there, but sometimes their have great homilies. One example of such, I recall, was when Father Villa described the realms of earth, heaven, purgatory, and hell. It was simply enlightening to hear how he phrased things. "Why do bad things happen on earth? Because humans sin. But why does God allow it to happen? He does, because he is omniscient and omnipresent and omnipotent, but at the same time, he is The Watchmaker. He put the universe together and set it in motion, and things will happen in accordance with his great plan but humans will mess things up along the way." (At least, this was how I understood what he was saying that day.) "Why do we have to experience the suffering of life before we go to heaven? If God created us to be in perfect communion with him, why can't we just go straight to heaven? Why didn't he just create us perfectly? Why do people go to purgatory? Why do people go to hell? ...

Well -- and I tell the kids this example all the time -- God is pure goodness. He couldn't create us perfect because he created us to love him, and true love is of free will. And so, with his gift of free will, humans have the freedom to make choices -- and to choose between obeying God and disobeying God. Sin is the outcome of choosing to disobey God. Therefore, God is pure goodness, and we are not. God is pure light -- and what if you were to look directly at pure light without protection? You would go blind. If we were to head straight into God's presence, we would not be able to handle, be able to come to terms with his pure goodness. We would not be able to see him. This is why we journey through life, and why some people go to purgatory after they die. This is a purifying process. We must be cleansed from the baseness of the earth and of sin, until we are pure enough to witness God's goodness."

Beautiful.

But in that same sermon, he also spoke about hell, and his conservatism was apparent. "We cannot assume ANYTHING about those who have died. ANYONE has the possibility to go to heaven, ANYONE has the possibility to go to purgatory, and ANYONE has the possibility to go to hell. This is why we pray for people even after they have passed away." But this is where I become confused. He said,

"One must believe in Jesus before there is any possibility of salvation."

Ahh, writing all this out is helping me understand everything a little better somehow, somewhat. A human was never created with the possibility of going to heaven inherent. I suppose... that it wasn't until the Incarnation of Jesus that humans could go to heaven? Because we were never worthy of God's pure goodness.

But I HATE condemning people. The Catholic Church may do it, Christianity may do it, but I have so much trouble with it. Don't tell me that just because Moleca doesn't believe in Jesus that she will be going to hell. (The thought just occurred to me that perhaps it doesn't mean that she will be going to hell, but to purgatory. And that I am okay with. But I digress.) She has a good soul. She cares for others, in thought and in action. Just because she was raised in a different philosophy and religion should not mean that she will suffer after her good life. So, this is why I feel almost compelled to choose to believe that Jesus was God. Because if he is the only way to salvation, someone like Moleca cannot be saved. Because, if I choose to believe in him, I will be condemning her to hell in my mind.

Perhaps it says something about me that I cannot believe that a human was God. I most definitely believe in God -- all my prayers start with, "God, --". There is no denying that there is a higher being -- not even Moleca denies that. Maybe atheists do, but I am not talking about them. I believe in a higher power who guides us, who takes care of us, who ensures that everything will ultimately work out according to his great plan. But none of my prayers start with "Jesus". I think there is also some reason in the fact that Christianity branched off from Judaism. Jesus was a Jew. He was virtuous and he was crucified, but the Jews don't believe he was God. To them, he was an ordinary man, born to a woman. Well... they also don't believe Mary was immaculate, and I do believe in Mary. I have never doubted her.... Ah, but basically, Jesus was a Jewish person, and when he preached, so many people followed him and then started the religion known as Christianity. What bothers me is how simple it is to just claim that someone is God. But, well, if so many people believed in him, perhaps there, exists truth.

-takes a breath-

My next topic to cover is the Catholic Church.