okay, so i'm not using my old journal, becuase this girl kept on writing stupid crapp about me in a whack of comments, so I just stopped using it, and made this one. but here are my past entries from the other journal. sittin here in the library yet again October 12, 2004 Listening to: sound of people typing... - Feeling: hollow okay. so one of my stitches fell out. ack! i made a bag out of these flyers from this band in the uk, www.spitlikethis.com, they're pretty good. i skipped math yet again, and hung out with laura. we talked about God and the fact that churches are all about money nowadays. jeezum, on sunday pastor bruce was talking about how the people in haiti are in such trouble and need so much help. then two seconds later he's talking about how the church needs $6000 to put in new lights in the parking lot. why? that money could help the people in haiti that he was talking about! i just don't get it anymore. he was saying how we should be all forgiving, etc. and then i just think about all the bullshit that people do. then he asked the congregation if we consider ourselves thankful people. i think i am, most days, but then i'm just like all the rest of the world; greedy and me-me-me. i seriously doubt that the ten comandments are really meant for our society now. there has to be a change in them, seeing as it's been 2000 years. then me and laura were talking about how many comandments we've broken, and it's so laughable. thou shalt not: steal, commit adultery (which is pre-marital sex as well, ack), honor thy mother and thy father, don't lie, etc. so many rules that i've broken, and i wonder if i'll ever be forgiven. but then they say God doesn't judge, and to be christian you have to live in God's image, yet we all judge eachother every damned day! so i guess no one is really a true christian anymore. or maybe He meant for the rules to be different for us now, seeing as He created the world and all. i don't get the concept of churches either. He said that 'if you look under a rock you'll find Me' so what does that say? you don't have to be in a church to worship Him, because He is everywhere. so why do we have churches? laura's church isn't even in a church persay, it's a conference room because God told them to sell the church. that's nice. i mean, to give something up like that just because He told you to. it's refreshing to know that there are people out there that are actually good people. my face still hurts. i gave up on the diabolical scheme. no one at this school would care much anyways, and it would just be a waste. no, i'm not going to say what the plan is, just in case i change my mind and decide to do it. thanksgiving was a bust. my brother and his fiance got into a fight, as usual, and ruined it just like always. she's such an alcoholic, and i can't stand her anymore. could i ever really? or was i just pretending? i should stop pretending so much. i can't take not being me all the time. i don't want to hide anymore. i hate it. i have a giraffe on my shirt, it's cute. i was thinking about what marilyn monroe said 'i just want to be wonderful' and i want to be wonderful too. but how can you be wonderful when you're so mean, judgemental, crude, insensitive, etc. laura said i'm not that bad, but i don't know. i feel like i'm such a horrible person for no reason at all. so how can i ever be truly wonderful? who knows. any thoughts anyone? as to how to be wonderful? it would be greatly apreciated. i have a sock on my wrist. my face hurts.. waah October 8, 2004 Listening to: silence... - Feeling: worthless ugh. my face hurts!!!!!!!! if my dad were here he'd say that my face hurts him too. ah, inside joke. i miss you too laura! i'll see you on tuesday! we should hang out during 4th, seeing as we do practically everyday anyways. oh, i have a diabolical scheme to put into works, and i need your help, if you feel like it. well then... i really have nothing to write, except that i've been sleeping for the past two days. ha, i was in the dentist chair thing, and they gave me some iv dealy, then i was staring at the ceiling, and it went all wavy and screwed up, and that's all i remember until an hour later. but supposedly i was laughing after i got the iv, which i don't remember, and i walked down the hallway to some room and took a pill after the surgery, which i don't remember, and i kept on saying 'i'm drooling! i'm drooling!' but i wasn't, because i had all this cotton in my mouth. all i remember is asking for a blanket because i was freezing my ass off. it's quite strange to be conscious yet unconscious at the same time. strange indeed. this sucks, because i can't even talk really, because it hurts to open my mouth. i yawned last night and started crying because it hurt like a bitch. ack. it's so quiet in the library... eerie, quite eerie. they split my top lip open because they had to open my mouth so wide. now that hurts as well. ah yes, i'm just a big complainer. but you would be too if some guy sliced open your gums and yanked out a bunch of teeth! ha, i just realized that all my friends (ha, two or three, that's all) are in choir right now, meanwhile i woke up at eleven and don't have to go back to class until tuesday. ha ha ha. but the school is incompetent, because they keep calling saying i'm missing classes, even though my mum called in and told them that i won't be back until next week. just goes to show what kind of people are teaching us all. ugh, i don't want to get old. i just saw some old lady, and realized that i don't want to be older than twenty eight, ever. hmm. i have nothing to write right now. maybe later, or tomorrow, or whatever. ta ta little website! hope all you people feel better than i do at the moment. okay, i know a lot of things are my fault, but a lot of things aren't. if people have a problem with me, about me, etc, i wish they'd say something. but then i should too. okay, here it is. amanda, nat, i feel like you're ignoring me. even if this isn't the way that you see it, it's how i feel, and i can't change that. i just wish things could be perfect and no one would ever feel bad about anything, even if it doesn't make sense and you have no idea why you're feeling the way you do. so i don't know, write me a comment, or call me, but i'm feeling very horrible at the moment, like no one cares and i'm just a waste of space that no one really wants to talk to. if that really is how you feel, tell me, because i can't deal with all the not knowing and the confusion. life shouldn't always be this hard, even if i deserve it. here in the library.. everybody dance now.. doo wop doo wop October 5, 2004 Listening to: sounds of the library - woo hoo Feeling: cheeky standing here at a computer, because all the ones with chairs are reserved.. grr arg. well then. people are funny. it's odd, because you can go months without even acknowledging someone, and then, poof, you're talkin' to them again. strange indeed. i've realized something, you can surround yourself with people who are bastards, or you can choose not to. i, for one, choose not to. if people want to be mean, then i'll let them, but that doesn't mean that i'm going to stick around for them to decide to be mean to me. no sir. no way in hell. well, according to joel (aka chesty jay, or chesty la rue) my name is now hootie mcboob. nice. my feet are hurting from standing. owie, my poor feet-sies. i'm such a jittery little thing, my fingers keep hitting random keys and it's making it hard to type. ah, tea, how shaky you make me. yeah... anywho. hanging out with laura (the only person i've ever been nice to consistently, and the only person who i've been friends with for awhile and haven't gotten pissed off with) and we're bored, here in the library, and bored. wait, i said bored twice. ha. something smells in here. ick. i've just noticed that i ask people their names, and then forget them ten minutes later, so it's pointless. my dad thinks i should see someone because, and i quote 'i think you need help, you're becoming very disturbed'. how nice of my dear old dad. doesn't he realise that it's our entire generation that's screwed up? i suppose not. but you know, my dad is actually really cool. i can tell him anything and he doesn't judge me, he just accepts it and tries to give me good advice. i'm so terrified about tomorrow, getting my wisdom teeth pulled and all. but hell, i'd rather them come out than have messed up teeth. ugh. it's warm in here. usually the library is cold. but lo and behold, not today, the one day that i decide to actually hang out in here. i really have nothing to write, i'm actually just rambling. so, this is laura, signing off from the world. ta ta little website readers, have a good day. so unsure of life October 4, 2004 Listening to: john cougar - Feeling: unimportant okay, i don't get it. why do people just decide to ditch you periodically? people are such bastards. well, not bastards, just confusing i suppose. laura even said she's noticed that it's happening. why, since they've been friends again, does it seem like i don't matter? (poor me syndrome, which is pathetic) how can you just decide to not be friends with someone just because you've gotten an old friend back? (i know, i'm doing it again) i just feel like screaming because this is all happening again, just like it always does. i don't understand anything anymore. did i ever? probably not. oh well, that's just the way that life goes. people hate you, people ignore you, people just don't seem to care anymore. why should i even bother then? there doesn't seem to be a point to anything that happens. so why even bother getting out of bed in the morning and dragging myself through school? today was shit. i tried to get homework from ms. knight because i'm missing wednesday thru friday, and she just ignored me and then said 'you'll just have to catch up when you get back'. then mr. bali (the most retarded teacher on the planet) just tells me to sit down. fuckers. at least mr. zalis does't mind, and mr. finockio said he'd talk to me tomorrow. ahhhh! i can't stand this bullshit anymore. it's so frustrating when no one acknowledges your plight, or just don't care that you're so crazy that you feel like pulling your hair out. i have a shakespeare test tomorrow, and i'm so going to fail because shakespeare just goes 'whoosh!' right over my head. oh well. if i fail english comp, then there's another semester of school for me. yay! oh sarcasm, how wonderful. "oh yeah, life goes on... long after the thrill of living is gone" so true, so true. *sigh* i'm so bored. and of course there's no one to hang out with, because, gasp! i've no friends as numerous people have pointed out. hmm. do people think that i don't want friends? i mean, if you're pointing it out to me, do you think i don't know it? people are stupid. ha, that's why i have no friends. people and friendships are beneath me. no, wait, no they're not. i'm just so mad because it's been this way all my life. people talk to me at school, act like they care, and then go and talk about me with other people, or don't hang out with me. i'm just someone to pass the time until their real friends come along. then it's 'oh, sorry, i've gotta go' and then there's me, all alone, crying in my room, listening to marilyn manson, cutting myself because then at least i know i exist. i just realized that this is just an account of my pitiful non-life that i wouldn't even wish upon my worst enemy. no, no, wait, i would, because i hate her so much. ha. despite my problems, i can still laugh at the thought of some girl getting exactly what she deserves. well then. i just found a poem dealy thing -ack, my walkman is dying- that i wrote back in grade ten. i remember i was writing it on the computer at my dad's house, and my stepmum freaked out because she thought i was crazy. well, news flash, we're all a little wacko. hey mack, mix me a drink while i consume another bottle of pills in the bathroom. want to watch while i jam my fingers down my throat so that i can look like this sea of conformity? pass me that blade so i can create art with crimson wounds. come stand with me while i stare disdainfully at my reflection. i'm screaming so loud that no one can hear me. shouting silent words and crying out into the crowd. sit with me awhile, so i can whisper my pain to you. hold my heart, i'll be back in a minute. oh, don't worry, it stopped beating long ago. wait, where's my drink? hey mack, pour me another shot to numb the pain. so nice, so depressing, so... me. well, i know it's sad and 'woe is me' but fuck you all if you think that i can just 'cheer up!' that's not possible. you don't know what it's like to be me. you don't understand what it's like to wonder what people are thinking about you when you say something and they all just stare. or what it's like to wake up in my cold, lonely room and watch the stars spinning on their strings, knowing that even if you lie there, or if you get off the bed, it won't make any difference. it doesn't matter whether you live or die. everyone will move on, forget, and live their happy little yuppy preppy lives, and not give a shit that your life was so horrible that one day you just couldn't take it anymore. maybe they'll remember something you told them years down the road, and call someone up and be all, 'remember that ugly girl we went to school with? what ever happened to her?' and then something will happen, and they'll say 'oh, nevermind, it doesn't matter' and that'll be that. that's how they'll remember you, or, not remember you. you don't matter, so don't even try to make your mark on the world. life's crazy October 2, 2004 Listening to: the beatles - Feeling: tired well now. why is life so crazy? i ponder this question so much that i'm exhausted with it. i just don't understand why things are the way they are. it makes no sense, but then it does. i'm so bored, and tired, and bored. sitting here doing nothing, thinking about why people do the things they do, and don't do the things that they really want to deep down inside. it's confusing. i often wonder what would happen if something changed in my life, whether it be school, or a job, or whatever, and think that maybe it would be really different. but the i think it'd be the same because life is what you make it. i'm rambling. i wrote a poem yesterday, and even though it's crap, i'll write it in here. Crying hearts and bleeding eyes; The sun goes down, And the moon will rise. Here in the dark I am alone, With my poisoned thoughts And unattainable dreams, (whispered prayers and silent screams). I reach out for a hand to hold, But I find that there's no one with me- Just the bleak and lonesome cold. Clutch tight the pillows while I cry, As my ever fragile heart tears And falls to pieces as I die. yeah, well, what can i say, i'm depressing. I just hate being alone all the time, it sucks. but whatever, who wants to hang out with people who back stab you and talk about you, or don't stick up for you, or just plain annoy the hell out of you? i suppose that's why i'm alone, because i can't handle people and their bullshit. whatever, it's nothing new. nothing else to rant about.