well then. so my christopher did not have school yesterday, and he doesn't today either. hollie called him again last night, when he was taking me home. rawr. whatever. he's with me, not her, and that's all that matters. so, we might not see each other today, which is kind of upsetting, but hell- what can you do when parents are like that? so he's hanging out with ross for a bit, but he doubts he'll stay all day. i called him this morning, because he asked me to- even though i woke him up at eight am instead of him sleeping in. he doesn't sleep in anyhow, so it doesn't matter. so last night i was crying again. i've decided that i'm not going to graduate this year. seven courses is way too much. i haven't even done any of my online law work, so it's pointless. also, law is only accepted at the u of w, and i don't want to go there. i'd rather take another semester, have enough courses for the u of m, and not stress out about it. i think i'm failing my english comp class, but that's okay. next semester i'm going to take choir, english comp, and maybe guitar or something. just be relaxed and not freak out about it. but the troubling thing is that come this july, i have no where to live. i have to find a job very soon, or else i'm going to be screwed at the end of june. i have to find and apartment.. a CHEAP apartment, and then live in squalor as i try to graduate next year. chris said he's proud of me for what i've done so far. it hurts though, because despite the fact that i'm the only one of my mum's kids to make it to grade twelve, she isn't proud of me. she called me useless, and pathetic, and said that i'm worthless. she told me that i will not graduate. my dad even asked me if i cared about anything. of course i do, it's just that second semester of grade eleven was such a waste because i felt so depressed, and no one wanted to help me. but then, how could some people have helped me when they didn't know what was wrong, and then others were dealing with their own problems? i don't blame anyone for that, it's just the way that life goes sometimes. i'm a little better now, but lately i've been feeling down again, and it's stressing chris out because he doesn't know how to fix it- i don't even know how. but then again, who can really fix it except for myself. it's my decision, and it's me who has to do it. i think i can manage this, but there's still this big cloud of doubt hovering over me. there are all these what-ifs going through my head. like, what if i can't get a job? what if i can't find an apartment? what if the school doesn't let me come back? what if, what if, what if... all this thinking is making my head hurt. the one, the only, laura michelle*