it's interesting how everyone seems to have dropped off of the face of the earth. the other night chris and i went to see a movie, but we were too late, so we went downtown and looked for nat- whom we didn't find. i don't know if i wrote that already. whatever. i tried not to get my hopes up. whenever i go out i look for her, and people always resemble her, until they turn around and i realize that they don't. but it's funny, because laura went to camp, and even though we haven't been hanging out like we used to, i still miss her. and amanda is never home, so i can't even talk to her. alanna has gone off and found new people to do things with. i am alone once more. i always dread the coming of summer with a kind of happiness lingering behind it. i am happy school is out- for now- but then i think of all the people i was 'friends' with, and they all just seem to disappear. chris got his car yesterday. that's a good thing. we went driving last night, and i was driving around through bird's hill park, even though my liscence isn't valid anymore cause i was supposed to pay it but I HAVE NO MONEY!! being poor really sucks. so i went for my interview yesterday, and chris's manager said there's a 90% chance i'll be hired. she wants me to work at the one on regent, but the head boss person wants to put me on gateway by superstore. i would rather be at regent because there is someone at gateway i don't really get along with. oh well, if i'm stuck there it's okay because i need a job. so i decided to change the look of my page a little bit, in order to cheer myself up. but i realized that just because things look all cheerful and pretty, doesn't mean it fixes anything. i'm still sad and alone. it's hard though, because i want to talk to chris about it, but he feels like it's his fault. so instead of him making me feel better, i have to make him feel better. it's difficult to be needy sometimes. i also miss my mum. which is funny, because we hated each other so much when we lived together. but she called me on monday morning, and she was saying how it's hard not to have me living in the apartment, because she was so used to talking to me after school and calling to make sure i wasn't too lonely or bored. chris wants me to do his laundry, but i don't think i will, because i really don't want to. sunday is our six month anniversary. i don't even have a present or anything planned for him. i really hate being poor. i wish things didn't cost so much. i have to go to the clinic on august 6th. i can't forget that, for it's my depo provera shot. yay for birth control. school starts again on september 8th. blarg. it's weird cause whenever i'm not thinking about anything in particular, i always start to think of nat. i wonder if she's okay, if she's hungry, if she's lonely, if she's scared. i always worry about her. it's strange to be so close to someone, and then have them disappear from your life almost instantly. i miss her. she's the only friend i've had that can listen without judging me, who can make me laugh even though i when i'm crying. i wonder where she is all the time, and i think to myself, what if she's in trouble? or what if someone hurt her and she's lying in some alley somewhere? i think too much, says my mum, but i can't help it. i want to find her, but i don't know how. everytime i call her apartment, i get the answering machine. i leave messages, but no one ever calls me back. nattie, if you read this, call me damn it! i'm so worried! other than my interview, and going to the movies, i have done nothing lately. i never realized that summer break could be so boring without my friends. last summer was fun, even though i was depressed. nat and i went out to gimli on her birthday, but it was freezing and windy, so we went to chicken chef to call her dad. we couldn't get a hold of him so we went and had coffee and jello for four or five hours. it was funny because we were speaking french, although pitifully, and the waitresses couldn't understand what we were saying. "plus du cafe madame!" but they didn't know we wanted more coffee, even though we were holding up the damn coffee pot. we went to pan am pool a lot too. there was this one time after nat had shaved her head, and these kids were all whispering about her probably being a cancer patient. it took me twenty minutes to get up the nerve to jump off of the five metre thing. but nat just ran off the end, screaming, and her arms flailing all the way down. that was fun. i hate change. have i mentioned that? i hate it when things change and you can't put them back the way they were. i'm still not used to living on my own, so i stay at chris's all day, even though i could go home and unpack while he's at work. but i guess if i don't unpack, then i don't have to think about the fact that i don't live on watt with my mum anymore. i hate the fact that friends drift away. that's change too. people meet new friends, and forget about the old friends. i just thought about it, and maybe the reason why i failed without even trying to pass some of my classes, is so i don't have to move on. i mean, if you're still in the same school, with roughly the same people, and the same teachers, nothing has to change. this is what my counsellor would call a 'breakthrough'. yeah okay, i'm a little fucked up, but i don't care. i'm me, and that's all. there's nothing anyone can say that will make me change unless i want to. i mean, it took how many sessions of counselling to get me to see that some things that have happened were not my fault? but i had to want to change my view on it, no one could tell me otherwise. but that's not the point. the point is that some things should stay the way they were. there's no reason for things to change. i hate change. chris and i were talking a couple of nights ago, and i was telling him about all the friends i've ever had, and how they've all either stolen from me, talked about me behind my back, or made up something about me. or gotten jealous of me because of a boy, or hated me for something someone else told them that wasn't even true. i was wondering about why things like that happen to me, even when i don't do anything to deserve it. i couldn't come up with an answer, and chris just fell asleep. i always think too much. it's the curse of being alone as a little kid. you think, and read, and think some more. hell, when i was little i was so alone that i started reading stephen king novels in third grade. but anyways, i have nothing else to rant, worry, or ramble about. the one, the only, laura michelle*