So pretty much, this entry is as much for you as it is me, I trust you'll know when it's meant for you and the rest is just me thinking out loud. The Rocket Summer I wanna post the lyrics of the songs I'm listening to while I write this you've got everybody talking you've got everybody going and you've got everybody acting crazy I'm not gonna say you don't you got everybody listening and you got everbody putting on a show you got everybody acting crazy I'm not gonna say you don't and you got it all wrong CHORUS your so scene listening you can feel that you won't sing anything you know you mean to take it to take this seriously cause seriously this high life scenery it makes me crazy hey(hey)what'do you say? I need some help,help me out Boys(boys)I'm not feeling so good Girls(girls)I got the feel that your feeling something that you say is more than you everybody in here's got it going on I can't compete with that I'll take off all of my clothes to the thrift store and take it all take it all back your so scene listening you can feel that you won't sing anything you know you mean to take it to take this seriously cause seriously this high life scenery it's making me hey(hey)look what'do you say? take a look take a look your looking at me singing,thinking i'm about to scream(scream, scream) your so scene listening you can feel that you won't sing anything you know you mean to take it to take this seriously cause seriously this high life scenery it makes me crazy your so scene listening you can feel that you won't sing anything you know you mean to take it to take this seriously cause seriously this high life scenery it makes me crazy Well first off lets start with some stuff that happened the other night, friday night I think it was? Anyways, I'm sorry for the way I acted that night, I was really really drunk, but whenever I'm drunk, when I'm talking to you or whatever, I know what I'm doing, doesn't matter how smashed I am, if your talking to me, then I know what I'm saying, or want to say, and what I'm doing, so thats a first, so with that said, I'm sorry, there was no excuse for what I said and did. Don't know if it's my place to say it but what you said to my friend was also very rude and I don't even know the word. You always have prided yourself on being someone that is always straightforward and up front, but lately it seems your less like that, I don't know if it's because it's me, and we've already got a pretty long history given the fact we've only been together 3 months, or that your changing, I don't know but I hope your not picking up bad habits from me, that would be very bad, not even I can deal with the way I act sometimes. But I just found that to be incredibly fucked up, because you were always 100% up front with me, and I always thought that even if it was bad, you'd tell me, but you told my friend to distract me so I don't talk to you, when I saw that, it just felt like you straight stabbed me in the back, and it really hurt me, because something like that hits you in your heart, because your someone very close to me, and I care about you very much, so yeah. When that happened pretty much I lost respect for you, and with me, when I get respect for you, lets put it simply, you start out at 100%, and you can get SOME respect back for me when you lose it, it will take you an incredibly long time of being 100% honest and upfront with me, and being chill and being a good friend, and to date no one has done that, not saying you will, but I've got a track record of people just giving up and bailing on me, and in a way you did too, which is why I keep saying to myself, that everybody leaves me sooner or later. But yeah, back to what I was saying, I lost respect for you when you did that, I know I probably lost respect for you, but I will do everything I can to get it back. But the reason it hurt so bad, is because I would expect something like that from pretty much anyone, from Hank, Kirk, Alex, Nicci, Alyssa, name anyone and I can say I could expect something like that from them, ESPECIALLY Alyssa, but not you, a lot of things I never expected from you, dunno if it's because I'm just getting to know you better or because your changing. But with a lot of things that has happened lately, I never expected from you, so I was really blindsided, which is why I took it so hard. Speaking of things that are hard, lets let you in shall we? But let me let you in on why I took everything so hard, it’s mainly because of several reasons, because number one, we got so close so fast I thought we could go somewhere, and also because, after like 3 weeks you said you were already ready to live with me, which also helped reinforce the idea that we could really go somewhere, another reason, was because you told me, that in the future, you wanna look back on me and you and say being with me was honestly the best time of my life, and you really said that, I don’t know if you remember, but you did, and of course the biggest one, telling me you love me, and then a month later you say you feel differently. And that’s when I started getting bitter, mainly because you wouldn’t admit that you didn’t love me, because to me if you take back loving someone after just a short period of time like that, you didn’t love them, you were just super infatuated with them. And it sucks for me because it feels like I was just a summer boyfriend to you, I know that isn’t true but that’s what it felt like for a while. and you just really liked me and then got over me, which is why I thought I was just a rebound to you, but I know I wasn’t. But still, you were way more to me then a summer girlfriend, way more, and I had told you for weeks when we first started that I didn’t want to open up and didn’t want to get close to you because I was afraid that if I did I’d get way to into it, and then get hurt because we could end in just a few months, and you told me it was okay, and that it would be okay, and I believed you, I always believed you, not a bad thing, because I still believe you. It wasn’t your fault, but it wasn’t okay, and I really trusted you by doing that, completely let you in, I completely 100% trusted you, the way I talked to you and trusted you and let you in, I had never done that with anybody in my entire life, and I’m completely 100% truthful with that fact, and when your that honest and open with someone on a level like that, it really changes you, changes how you look at things, how you feel, just about everything, and I can’t just walk away from something like that, you can, because you don’t feel the way I do, you’ve already walked away, you told me Friday night pretty much, but I’m still standing here, and it hurts so bad, it’s like I’m cemented here, I’m about to just get a hack saw and cut off my feet so I can finally just crawl away from everything, I just want to get over all of this. And like I told you last night, I honestly don’t care if you like someone, your with someone, or whatever, like I said I get jealous because like, there are some things that I wanted to do with you that I can’t now because I’d need to be with you to do it, not sexual or anything, but yeah. And we can be friends, be the best friends, but I’m not going to lie, I’ve come to realize the fact that, I’m probably going to still have feelings for you for a very long time, like it’s the kind of dormant feelings where they are there, but you couldn’t tell one bit that I do, you could tell I cared, but you couldn’t tell I liked you. But yeah, that’s just whats going on in my head, and one of the biggest reasons that I couldn’t let go at first (I already did, I just said fuck it) is because you obviously care about me A LOT, and never in my life have I seen a girl/guy care so much about another girl/guy and not at least like them or want to be with them, so this whole situation is just very confusing to me, once I get my head on straight then everything will be alright, just pretend that what happened when I was really messed up the other night just didn’t happen, only happened cause I was drinking a lot, but yeah. Emery The ponytail parade three sleepless nights this isn't how its supposed to be but you're so good at taking your time to get back to me and i will wait for you forever if you would just ask me and i thought that i could change you, but you've changed me it doesn't feel right holding someone elses hand together on phone lines, living at two opposite ends it scares me to think that you could find takers other than me and better than me but your head is elsewhere and i'm talking enough for both of us when will you see? it's not (it's not) so easy for me But you're careless, (i fall from ) and whispered, (your eyes) (i trusted) insulting, and bruising (i thought that you said forever) and i thought that you said things were improving these laces are untied, but my feet are still walking away. away. (laces .. are .. untied .. but my feet .. are still walking away) i never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening? i never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening? (don't say...) i never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening? (don't say that we can...) i never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening? (don't say that we can still be... ) i never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening? (don't say that we can still be friends ) Erase my name from this page. how can you take all these days? (what is inside of me, what have i done?) and throw them away (is this the only way that you'll notice me?) as i sit here waiting for you (for you) (dead words for closed ears all this is sung for you) i stay up nights (if you're still pretending this is what's right) until stars leave the sky (why can't you look at me can you only see) knowing what my dreams can take away (one side your side, can take away) Walk away from me. This night is done. But yeah, I still like you, obviously, but it was at the dormant stage of me liking you, where we could hang out and I wouldn't be weighed down with the thought of me being with you. But last saturday (and I know it wasn't really your fault because you were super out of it, and when your super out of it, you say things you don't really mean) Like you kept saying you missed me, thats completely fine, because I don't take it like that, I take it like you just miss being around me, as a friend, or a boyfriend, whatever, just miss hanging out with me, and thats fine. But then you started calling me baby too, and I just brushed that off, but then you said that you thought we could be the kind of friends that hang out and kiss, and that was fine too, I just figured out, friends with benefits, and I asked you that, and you said no, so it was either friends with benefits, or be together pretty much, but I didn't pursue it, and it gave me hope and lead me on, and the next morning I had a series of night terrors about it and other things, and it really sucked, and when I woke up I got sad because I know you, I know that you would either not remember, which meant it didn't really count, or you did, and you would take it back, and it was both, and that set me back in getting over you like a good 3 weeks, like yesterday I was back to the point where I finally accepted we weren't getting back together, I was a fucking mess yesterday, and I'm a mess today. Emery Don't bore us get to the chorus Never gonna go away Never gonna go away Never gonna go away Never gonna go away Never gonna go away Never gonna go away So we sit and we wait For the curtains to fall And there are words we could use But should never say at all But you do, you do, you do You do, you do, you do We met in the courtyard Where no one would notice Two kids contemplating All high school had shown us And I told you I loved you And I knew you believed it As I quited my conscience Hoping you wouldn't see it But I do, I do, I do I do, I do, I do I just want to be with you tonight The mood is set and we're here by candlelight I paid my dues so don't be rude Stop putting up a fight I just want to get with you tonight But "No" they say What doesn't kill you Makes you stronger But the questions remain Until you can't take it any longer But I am still so young And I didn't know I could be so dumb And you your still so young But now I know that your so dumb Never gonna go away I'm never gonna go away I just want to be with you tonight The mood is set and we're here by candlelight I paid my dues so don't be rude Stop putting up a fight I just want to, I just want to, I, I, I, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, So what about you Never satisfied I'm never satisfied Never satisfied So let them all fall Side by side Side by side One more will fall tonight This song reminds me of you, just straight up. Because I was listening to it the monday after that saturday, when we first kissed, and I just couldn't stop thinking of you, and it was weird, because I knew that wouldn't be the last time I kissed you but I didn't wanna get my hopes up, but yeah, this song takes me back to that saturday we slept together. I really just want that again, to just sleep with you again watching movie, no sex or anything, I just wanna go back to that, it was amazing, you took care of me, and we talked a bunch, and we just kept kissing, and cuddled. That was the first time in over a year and a half that I had actually cuddled with someone and just slept with them without doing anything, and I really want that right now, not with anyone, just you. But anyways, I've just been pretty down lately, like I've just been really depressed, and not really into anything, like when I flirt with a girl, I'll flirt with her and think shes hot, but then I'll be like, what the fuck is the point, either nothing will happen, or it will, and it'll become complicated and I'll get hurt again. I've pretty much just given up, and I've used the excuse that I'm going into the military. But I know that isn't true, because take example if we were gonna start something up again, I'd go straight for it, but thats probably because I know we'd have a strong relationship and we could get through anything. I mean look at everything we've gone through already, we've gone through more things then most 2 people have in a year, we're not together, but we're still talking, still friends. I really like that your my boo. Speaking of the military, the reason I want to be a combat medic, is because being one is one of the hardest things to do on top of being a ranger, when your in combat, because not only are you fighting, you a bullseye painted on your back because your a medic, and your running all across a hot zone helping people, and it feels like I deserve the worst, because with everything thats happened to me in the last year or so, it's just what I feel like I deserve, it feels like I deserve that I deserve the absolute hardest training, followed by the crappiest assignments, I'll be deployed all over the world where theres hot zones, and just to be stationed in case something happens as well. And recently, not because of you or whats happened between us or anything, this feeling has been here for years but, when I think about going to Iraq, or overseas, sometimes I think to myself, that I don't want to come back, not as in stay there, but I don't want to come back, period, thats pretty much my version of suicidal thoughts. Just sometimes when I think about going overseas, I think that I want to be brought back in a box, because honestly I just don't want to deal with all the misery and sadness in my life, thats another reason why I want to go, because when your in the army, nothing matters except what you have to do, not relationships, not your problems, nothing, the army takes care of all your financial problems, they take care of everything, so your 100% focused, and yeah, it kinda scares me that I think like that, but it's the truth. But I know I'll come back completely unscratched, everyone in my family has served in the military, and everyone in my family has lived past 80, so looks like I get a long depressing life. But anyways, I've just laid out everything on the table here, I do still like you, but I know it won't happen, and I'm going to have my feelings go dormant again, I won't lie, I will still have feelings for you for a long time, mainly because I know that, no matter where you go, or what you do, if we were together I'd stay with you and I'd work through it, if you go to D.C., I'd deal with that, work with you on it, and use my free travel to come visit you. And even when you go to France, I'd come visit you as much as I could, and even ask for a station in Europe to come visit you and make it easier, and I know that some guy that you date in college wouldn't do that, but hey, I'm just a guy that really likes you, I just think if we were together we could really last, but, you don't want to pursue that, you want to pursue other guys, and just have fun, not have something serious, just a casual relationship, and I respect that, but I'm just putting on the table that my heart is still here for you if you ever want it again. And as of now, I'm your friend, and lets work on being best friends for starters, and lets do boomerangs soon, because your aloud to have some personal items when you join the military, and all I'm going to have when I go is a laptop and the clothes on my back, but just remember to write me alot and I'll write you, and learn to use aim more too :). But yeah, like I said, I'm still going to have feelings for you for a very long time, and it is going to stay like that, but those feelings won't interfer in our friendship, I promise, as always, if you ever wanted a move to be made, you'd have to make it first, to save me confusing and both of us drama. But as of right now, this is the first real day of our friendship, I still feel I want to talk to you a bit more, but that can come later, and friends can talk about that stuff without it getting complicated, and they can get mad at each other without it getting complicated as well, and maybe even spooning or sleeping together in the same bed, but can't kiss or do things without it getting complicated, but, that just seems how our relationship has always been, friendship or more, it's always been complicated, and I kind of like it, because it just brings us closer as whatever. But yeah, from your entry it seems like you got a few hopefuls, just do me a favor, for yourself, wait a while so that you can handle, even just a casual relationship, and if your willing to, wait a bit for me, to make it easier for me, I have absolutely no right to ask that of you, but I just thought I would. I'm really happy for you, your moving on, your getting happy, you've got some guy that will hopefully make you happy in your sights (if he upsets you I promise I'll kick his ass, no joke, if I hear a story of some guy making you cry I'mma do something about it). And I wish you the best of luck, I really do, and as of right now, we're friends, today is the first day of our friendship, so whatever may happen in the future, lets start here. And I really appreciate everything you've done for me and everything you've taught me, I really let you in more then anything, theres a part of me that will always be with you now, and I guess thats a big reason why I still like you? I dunno, I'll try to figure out why I do still have feelings for you over such short time then write about it so you can know. And as far as I’m concerned, I’m your friend, right now, we could hang out, and just watch a movie, and I wouldn’t talk about us, or try to get with you or anything, I’m past all of that already, I’m over it, I’m tired of being sad and being such an asshole and drama filled person, so I’m just over it. But I hope this entry explains a bit, I really am putting myself out there with this, it's like that saturday when we first kissed where I just let EVERYTHING out. And I know I've asked you a lot but, how come you like being my boo? I hope your doing good boo. Always yours, Jeremy Last song I've been listening to Hollywood Undead Everywhere I Go (Charlie Scene) Everywhere I Go, Bitches always know That Charlie Scene has got a weenie that he loves to show(bitch) Everywhere I Go, Bitches always know That Charlie Scene has got a weenie that he loves to show (Verse 1) (Charlie Scene) Wake up Grab beer Grab rear Shave beard Put on some scene gear Gotta get drunk before my mom wakes up Break-up with my girlfriend so I can bang sluts I'm undead, unfed Been sleeping on bunk beds Since ten So if I don't booze it, I'm gonna lose it Everybody get to it, do it, get ruined (Chorus) (Deuce): Let's get this party started Let's keep them 40's poppin So just get buzzed and stay fucked up We'll keep them panties droppin (x2) (Verse 2)(Charlie Scene) When I start drinking My dick does all my thinking Hoes want to be scene with me And I like their big thick titties D-Cups with extra filling Take it out let me lick it quickly Calm down it's just a hickie I'll blame it on this whisky sipping gets me tipsy Drink fast and enjoy your buzz Take back streets to avoid the fuzz I wanna take you home but your friends won't let ya' I got a 40 in my Ford Fiesta Buy beer Or pay the rent My signing bonus was quickly spent So I'll beat my meat like I'm a fuckin' butcher And I'll punk the pussy like I'm Ashton Kutcher! (Chorus x2) (Verse 3)(Charlie Scene) Let's get this party jumpin' Let's see some 40 chuggin' I wanna see your booty rubbing against my dick when I start buzzin' Come on girls I wanna see you drinkin' I wanna see your brain start shrinkin' Make a move I saw you winkin' Drunken pussies what I'm thinkin' I don't give a fuck if you're drunk or not Turn it up loud feel the ambiance Grab 2 ho's and do some body shots I wanna party all night until they call the cops Fuck a wristband lets all do a keg stand I'm like Cheech with out the Chong Hittin up the beer bong When the cops show up Their gonna get the finger And i don't give a fuck Cuz I'm the designated drinker! (Chorus x4) Everywhere I Go, Bitches always know That Charlie Scene has got a weenie that he loves to show(bitch) Everywhere I Go, Bitches always know That Charlie Scene has got a weenie that he loves to show Yeahhh..I've been drinking a bit as well lately, I'm goin downhill =/.