Well, something snapped in my mind, finally, and it finally broke through that barrier in my head. It's not going to happen again, not now, not 2 months from now, not 2 years from now. And I finally accepted that. And I know how I have, is because now I'm angry. I know it's a very bad way to measure how I'm feeling, but my greatest strength, and my greatest weakness comes from anger, not hope, or happiness, like 90% of the population of this planet, but it comes from anger. I work differently as a person, when I'm happy and feeling outgoing, I can't get work done, and I can't function. I am a machine, I'm always calculating, I'm always diagnosing, I'm always doing something that has to do with what I wanna do with me life, which until recently I didn't know, and now I do. And that is an M.D./Physician/Surgeon Scary that someone like me would be busy diagnosing people, trying to make them better, and then cutting someone open for a brain biopsy or something right? (I want to specialize in neurology, even scarier :) ) But, now with my greatest strength back, and a hollow and emptiness I'm just oh so fond of, because, it's always there, no one ever stays for long, and for one reason or another, for good or for bad, people always leave me. But hey, I'm used to it, and I work better alone. This may be my extreme arrogance and self importance talking, or my narcasissim, or my confidence that I'm going to be a badass, but, take a look at people that are truly great, they suffered, greatly, some, like Socrates for example, had schizophrenia, and others are more subtle, Einstein, for example, throughout high school and part of college, did exactly what I did, flunked out of classes, just didn't give a fuck. And I've been doing some thinking, and I got the stones to really be great at what I wanna do, which is be a diagnostician (the guys that figure out what the hell is wrong with you then treat you), and be a hell of a good one, maybe save a life or two, but the bottom line is, I obsess over things I love, and doing that would be something I love, and something will have to leave my life in order to fill an impressive space that that would take, and I've found out, that I won't be able to have a really good relationship, sounds emo, sounds like I'm just being stupid, yes, but I also believe in fate, I believe I was meant for something great, but the cost is, terrible crippling loneliness, which I pretty much have now, but I gotta get used to it because it won't change, and I'm fine with that. I've always believe in order to be really great at something, you have to be completely 100% devoted to it. I mean, right now, I've been researching, preparing myself for med school every way I can, I've been neglecting all my relationships, my exercise routines, everything, I've been pouring over books just learning as much as I can, and I'm obsessed with medicine already, and I love it. Still doesn't negate the fact that, I'm pretty damn lonely. I guess I just needed to vent, every time I get in a relationship it always ends the same way, I guess theres something they all need that I just can't give. And no boo, it's not you, it's me, always was, always will be. Until next time.