I've gotten my groove back, I'm the same old Jeremy again, happy, driven, determined, the "nothing gets in my way" attitude. I've gotten my try attitude back. Everything is back to normal But, something else has been added, and it's missing. But, since it's so new to me, I have no idea what to do about it. I know if it's there again, something great and amazing will happen, something that when I look back on it, I'll go, "that was one of the best times of my life in that department" And I just can't let an opportunity like that to get away from me. An opportunity that can change you for the better, and make you ridiculously happy, that's an opportunity you only get a few times in life, and you can't let that slip through your hands. But it's slipping through my hands like water in cupped hands People rarely understand it, so they can't help me or give advice But it's okay, this is all me, I have to do this alone. I want it, so I'm going to try my god damned hardest to get it, I want this, and I want it bad. I've taken some lines from the Ranger creed, and modified it a bit, and it's what I live by. I will always keep myself mentally alert, physically strong and morally straight and I will shoulder more than my share of the task whatever it may be, one-hundred-percent and then some. And something I live by, that I made myself: I will never fail myself, under no circumstance will I ever give up I will never betray myself, my friends, my family, or my morals. The safety and happiness of those close to me come before mine I will never abandoned anything that I have begun, I will see it through to the end I will never accept defeat, even when things look the most bleak, there is still a chance to come out on top, continue, until you do. Defeat is only temporary, because giving up, is forever, and that, to myself, is the most unforgivable thing imaginable. Weakness is not a word, I know, it is not a word I have ever heard, and when I hear weakness I think strength, and I push that extra mile. And thats my little addition. Never before have I been so determined, so driven, it feels like I'm in the drivers seat, and I need to get to the finish line first, so I'm going to push until I come out on top. When it comes to this, I gaurentee you, you will never find someone wanting it more, more driven for it. Because I know what could happen if I come out on top, and that itself, even though it's less then what, 10% that it will even happen. But the bigger the odds, the more I get driven. I will take on adversity, and I will destroy it, not once in my entire life have I ever given up, I have never accepted defeat, I've gone a different path so it worked, but never have I given up. So here, I raise my glass, and I take the biggest drink of water I ever have, because I won't have time to break for another drink, because I'm going to keep moving, I'm going to keep running. A persons will, is the most important thing they can have, and mine, is unbreakable, unbendable, and I will never compensate, I will never give up, and I will never accept defeat. I may change the path I go to, when it seems that everything has been lost. But if everything hasn't been lost, then I keep going. That's how I am, if there is the bleakest chance to win, come out on top, I have the heart to stick it out, I have the heart, to beat it, I'm a fighter, and I always will be, and I will NEVER give up, because then I will shame myself, and to me, honestly, I would rather die then shame myself, and give up. I'm a lion, and sooner or later, everyone will hear my roar, it can't be ignored. Because I'm the best. The best men, only come in few, those few, would rather give up a seat, then take one. I would rather give up a seat, then to sit, I am not timid, I'm always moving. My heart drives me, and it can't not be beat. I dare anyone, to try and compete with my heart, my heart is the bully, it's the biggest, meanest kid in the playground, and no one can take him, not even for a second. I don't have usual fears. For the person I am, the one and only fear I have, isn't that imaginable. I'm a go getter, I'm the guy that is willing to do whatever it takes, I'm the one that does the job. And I work better alone, and up until recently, I can still work alone, but I would rather I not. This parts to you. Let me refresh your memory on what I was saying, I doubt you remember most, because you were half asleep. I started out, I wanted to tell you, why I like you as much as I do. Because I've told you why I can't let go, but both things go hand in hand. First of all, I always thought you were cute, but just didn't think either of us was each others types. So, I went through school, oblivious, dating the ones that were clearly incredibly wrong for me, especially Alyssa, we always fought, had some good times though. But some things she did, screwed up some perceptions of mine. But anyways, I remember one time, I was in kirk's car, it was me you him and dave. I remember one time I was joking around going like "omfg gaiisss, I think I have an STD, seriously!" But then I shutted up right then and there, because I got a feeling, and a thought, and that thought was "Wait, what if I ever get with her and we do something? I don't want her to think I'm some creep that does it all kinds and got something". I seriously got that feeling, and I was right, about the getting together part. And I got that feeling when I was in this mood, completely driven and determined. And right now, I'm getting another good feeling, talk to me later, I'll tell you what it is. Anyways. The reason I like you as much as I do, and have. It isn't because of what you have said, those helped, but that wasn't it. We got to know each other better then some people do when they're together for YEARS. We were together/talking for 4 months now. Thats an accomplishment, I also think it's a sign, that at the least we have to have each other in each others lives for, forever pretty much :). But, the reason I feel this way, is because, for the first time in my life, all I wanted to do was just lay in bed, all day with you, and I did, and it led to other things, which also comes to a milestone. Not ONCE in any time when I have done things (you know what things) have I ever made a sound. Yet with you, I made a lot, and I didn't even know til after a while, and that is a very big thing. Means that everything in that way, was more to me then just that, it means I felt the passion, I felt what was between us, it was true, it was real, it was strong. Whatever is between us, is still strong as well, I can tell. And over a period of just 2 months, I developed more feelings, and stronger ones then I had had for anyone else previously before, and not trying to like freak you out going "omfg I like you soooo muchhhh!11!!", It's not like that, this is for real. And I know it's real, because I havn't even had something, just some casual thing, since January, and thats quite some time. And here I am, we've been done for weeks now. Yet, I still feel the same I did, that time when I first said it, haha, that was quite a night, and I really liked it, not just because of that, but it felt real. And whenever I hug you, the reason I always try for long hugs, because whenever I hug someone, even when I was with them, it felt like there was always something missing. Yet, with you, when I hug you, it feels like a real hug, it feels like that hug, that I have always wanted, has finally come, I feel like its a completed, it's real. And I know everything that is going on, and it doesn't matter to me, that's a first as well. Example: When I was with Alyssa, I always bitched because we only hung out once a week, and I wanted more. Yet, with you, I just want to see you, I really understand that your busy, and I respect it and don't tread on that stuff, I'm just happy when your with me, I just live in that moment. That's why I always try to make every time we fight, right, I always have to make it right, because anything I do with you, whether it's hanging out, playing zelda at your house, helping you with very stressful things, eating a cheeseburger while listening to you talk to your friend, or hanging out with you and all of your family, it's all great. Every memory is a great memory with you, because it always ends right. Everything with you, is right. It always ends right, it always ends good, even the breakup, we made good come out of that, and jesus christ, if you can make good come out of a breakup, which you did, and we still talk, and are great friends, all of which we are/do, that automatically makes you the most amazing person on this planet, hands down. I'm fine with you and other people (you know what I mean), and I'll even support you, you could start something, and I'll get upset, of course, for a few days, then you can talk to me about a problem, and I will be completely unbiased, as I always have been, and help you. I really meant, unconditionally, I will love you, no matter what you do, no matter where you are/who your with, I will still love you. I know, for a fact, that I can be the best for you, I don't know other people that you talk to, and I don't care, I already know that I'm better then them, probably arrogant to say that, but they don't feel the way I do (cliche, I know, yet true), and I know you, I mean, I know your looks, I know your voices, I know that really relaxed voice you get when your sleepy or really enjoying something, and that kind of uptight voice you get when your getting upset, and I know what you mean when you say certain things, or do certain things. I'm even beginning to understand the sleepy talk, haha. But, I want to be your everything, I want to be the person you come to for help, to help get rid of stress, and to have fun, and just screw around, and also be there to hold you. I loved being there for you, from when we tried to figure out what to do, or I helped figuring out what to do for the day even if it didn't include seeing me, or if it's because things just get hard and you let go of everything, and I was there to hold you and wipe away those tears. It was like a movie, I always wanted to wipe away someones tears and make them feel better, and I did that with you, and you did it with me, just the other day, I was just completely upset and depressed, and you talked to me, you made me happy from talking to me, like always. And from that, I found out how to get happy, and I also got happy from the fact knowing, together or not, I know you will always be there to help, and I really appreciate that, you've changed my outlook on a lot of things, you've helped me give reason to a lot of things I never had reason for before. You gave me the strength I have today, the start of this entry, where I just act like a badass, that's all you boo. Of course, I got myself happy, but you helped, I saw how I was keeping you down, and upsetting you, and I finally woke up, and picked myself up, and from now on, your not going down, your only going up, even if I have to pick you up and put you on my shoulders, your going up, and you'll be happy, I promise you, I will do anything I can to help make you happy, together or not, because you deserve it. I had never written a song for someone before and honestly just believed it, and I wrote 3 for you, and I really believed it (scrapped the 4th one), and right now, I'm memorizing the lyrics, and making the music to it, so next time I see you, I can play it for you, your favorite one. You've really changed me, I let you in to a degree no one has ever been before, and I honestly doubt that everyone else will never even come close to you, maybe 1 or 2, but you were there first, so you'll always be in that thought. And today you told me, that if we did get back together, and I close up, you can just open me back up. And that is completely 100% true, you can open me up and read me like a book, you have a power to just get into me and look at everything, that no one has, and I seriously doubt almost no one will ever have. Going through all that good with you, has changed me. It's made me see good in the world, it's helped me give hope for people again, and now I give EVERYONE at least once chance. And the other day, you were saying, if I knew I really missed you, I would know, because I would be with someone and realize I missed you. I was with my friend, someone that before you I tried to get with so many times, and she was down for it pretty much. Was just chilling with her, put my arm around her, flirted all kinds and stuff, then she started the real stuff. And I just realized at that, I can't do it, because I was just thinking about you the whole time, and I figured at first it was just because we had broke up recently, but it was more then that, all I could think of at that moment was the last time we had the first/last kiss against your car, hands down one of the best kisses ever. And I've already realized, I do miss you, and I'm not the horney jeremy I used to be, that part of me is gone, I mean yeah, I am horney, but that's only when the appropriate time comes, last time was with you. I just know, in my heart, that I could treat you better then all of them, I can show you better times, pshh, I mean come on, I'mma be in the army, free rides to anywhere! We're already gonna go to France, FOR FREEEEE!! I just want to be your everything, I want to give you all of me, and I want to give you the world. And noo, I'm not sad, I'm very optimistic and happy :). Always yours, Jeremy Give me a callll later, I still have things I want to talk to you about, plus, I just miss your voice, I miss talking to you, your amazing, pretty, cute, gorgeous, everything, and I just miss you, and I know you don't feel the same way, but I just wanted you to know how I feel, and I want to talk to you about it over the phone as wellll boo, tonight, if thats okay, while all this stuff is still freshh. And I know you don't feel the same way, and I just wanted to let you know everything, but still I gotta talk to you on the phone/in person to get everything out. And as I've said, before, if you don't want anything to happen, I still wanna be the best damn friend you've ever had/ever will have! Have a good day, I know I'm gonna, I'mma go swimming and work on my taaaan, :D. I love youu... Always yours, Jeremy Mark Hampson