I realized something, and I read something, and usually it hurts and I don't get over it fast, but this time I did, and it feels like im responsible for her being sad and down lately, maybe I should just completely stop talking to her and just let her do her own thing?

Because as I was reading this thing, I realized the kind of relationship she wanted, it isn't one that I gave her, it was what someone else gave her, and that really hurt to hear, but that's how I work, I need to get hurt, or have something serious happen to finally wake the fuck up and start acting like a man, and not a little bitch about this whole thing, which is how I have been acting.

Bottom line is, now that she is single, she doesn't think that what I gave her is what she wants, she thinks that what someone else gave her is what she wants, not that guy specifically, but the type of relationship he gave her, why, I don't know, all I know is I really tried on this one, and I failed.

Theres no worse feeling then giving something absolutely everything you have in your heart, and I have a lot of heart, I will stick through things and kill myself figuratively to make it perfect, but nothing will give you a bigger sense of being a failure then when you give it absolutely everything you have, and even some after that, to know it's not what was wanted, and that you failed horribly.

I'm not sad anymore, instead, I'm disappointed in myself, which to me is worse, but not as detremental to my health I suppose. I think it's because I finally just gave up, and accepted defeat, I'm not one to quit, but I am one to retreat when it is absolutely nessecary, and I think this one is a retreat I can never go back on and get it right, so I'm taking that as a defeat. It's not just one thing, it's everything put together, my iron will and indominable spirit have both finally been broken, I knew it would happen, it was just a matter of time. Now...I just need to figure out on how I can rebuild what I had in myself, because it wasn't just the situation, it was that, on top of several other things, I mean, I seriously think I have diabetes, I have all the symptoms but no cash to get checked out, and that's really freaking me out and no one was there to help me with that, and I think that was the X factor in the breaking of my spirit. I need to figure out how to rebuild it, if I even can.

But yeah, change is scary, but it's inevitable, it's up to you to make the best of it, opportunity isn't going to just fall in your lap.