(Sorry about when we hung up I just went whatever, meant to say call me whenever, selective dyslexia kicks in again) Yes, I'm listening To my pain. I finally let it all go. Tonight I cried, I screamed, I ripped out hair, I punched a wall (the hardest part of my wall, go figure, broke my right hand index and middle finger knuckle, I had to write this with mainly my left hand and part of my left) I've built my walls, so life come get to me, you won't get in. I'm mainly just tired of getting thrashed around by life, so right now I'm giving it the finger, I just don't care what happens to me anymore. Honestly, I hope I get sent overseas, there is so much pain and suffering and ugly in every day life, people hurting each other, things being shitty, over there, things are crappy, yeah, but at least over there, the only thing I have to worry about is dropping the other guy before he drops me. I'm just upset, depressed, sad, angry, lonely, the usual. I'm not meant to be happy, I'm not meant to be with someone, I'm meant to be miserable and alone. I'm not just being sad and emo, it runs in my family, all of my aunts and uncles, single with kids, my dad, single, my mom, many divorces, my brother, divorced single with kids. Misery runs in the family, probably why alcoholism and drug addiction runs in the family as well. I'm just tired of everything, I keep getting suicidal thoughts, it's weird, but not like slashing my wrists or anything, just every night I have a nightmare where I'm overseas, and I get shot, and I'm bleeding out and they can't do anything. But I'm not in agony, I'm not screaming in pain, I'm not telling someone near me to tell whoever that I love them, I'm not doing anything, just laying there and accepting it. I think thats a sign, that I've just given up, on everything, my friends, my family, myself, life, just, everything. I've given myself up to just whatever will happen, I've had a good 15 years of misery, it lets up for a month or two, then comes slamming back, and, frankly, I'm just sick of it. I'm done always trying to help people all the time, I'm always everyones savior, I always help people out, I always support everyone, and everything. But I rarely get support, I rarely get saved. Wheres my angel, wheres the person holding up the shield to protect ME? Wheres someone taking care of me? Why can't someone else be the savior, for me? I'm screaming right now, I'm screaming for everything, I'm letting everything out. I've broken down. Why can't I be someones baby, someones boo, someones everything.