Everyone I know around me save for 2 or 3 people, are changing. Changing friends, habits, personalities, you name it, it's happening. I haven't changed since I was about 17, I've mature pretty fast in that part, I had to. I'm scared about leaving, because, Mike told me that everyone loses themselves, they lose who they are, they completely change. I think what I'm afraid of nowadays, is, I'm going to lose who I am, and that is the last thing I want. I can deal with losing friends, girlfriends, close friends that change me, because, if I lose them, then obviously I wasn't meant to be with them, or be friends with them, as simple as that, because I tried hard for every single one of them. But, the one thing I can't deal with, is myself changing. I can't deal with waking up one day overseas, and shoot someone, and, just get over it like it was nothing. Humanity is the last thing I have that is myself, that no one else can take away from me, or anything. I don't want to lose who I am, or my humanity, like have you ever seen casino royale? What Daniel Craig says is true, if your in a job like that for too long, you lose your humanity, and you become a systematic killer. I would know, because my brother is a systematic killer, hes in that stage of life where he doesn't give a fuck, and doesn't care about anyone, and won't let anyone hold him back, no matter what. I don't want to become that. I'm still going to go, I picked the job I want, Forward Observer. I told Mike I wanted that job, and he laughed and said, "I hope your family can deal with heartache easily." Artillery observers are considered high-priority targets by enemy forces, as they control a great amount of firepower, are within visual range of the enemy, and are often located deep within enemy territory. This oft-overlooked position is considered one of the most dangerous and challenging positions on the battlefield for a variety of reasons. FOs are highly skilled and usually exceptionally intelligent. He is also able to work silently for long periods of time, as some missions may range from a few hours to several weeks, long. He can operate with minimal support located both on or behind the enemy lines. This is an essential skill because the artillery and infantry/cavalry often pass the support responsibility to the other element when an FO becomes attached to another unit. The gaining unit is expecting the losing unit to provide support, and the losing unit expects the gaining unit to provide support. This generally requires FOs to fend for themselves and get equipment, supplies, and other necessities wherever they can. Forward Observers, due to their intelligence, adaptability, and broad range of combat skills are often superb candidates for many special operations units and training. FOs are also considered to be 'crazy' and 'eccentric' by their peers, due to their dangerous mission profiles and their usually innate strong sense of independence, dislike for rigid authority and protocol, and general proclivity towards sarcasm, grim humor, and general disregard for rules such as those concerning uniforms, saluting, etc., which many FOs do not believe apply to them in the field. This famous streak of rebelliousness and their high esprit de corps make them a coveted, versatile and dangerous asset to many commanders' arsenals, since FIST and COLT teams will often take on mission profiles normally shunned by most regular units. This job fits me perfectly. I'm going to be in the shit, 24/7. I just wish, there was someone that when I come back, can bring me back from the blackhole I know I'm going to jump into, I just hope to god, that, whoever that person is, is there for me, from day 1, from my first deployment, and, there to rescue me from myself when I come back home. It's a lot to ask of someone, but I really hope there is someone like that for me.