I know why I'm choosing to stay miserable now. Because every time something bad has happened, I did what I do best, just said whatever, fuck it, and got over it quick and easy, no big deal, resilience is one of the biggest weapons I have in defending my emotional state, and I use it often and every time it works. But with this recent thing, I chose not to use it, at all, I don't know if it was because it blindsided me and I didn't have a chance, but I did see it coming somewhat, and I just stood there and let it hit me, and I don't know why. With this, everything is different, I was vulnerable and open in such a way, that I'm never going to be the same again, it's not a bad thing, at least I think it's not, right now at least, but when you are that vulnerable, and that open with someone, whether or not it lasts, whether or not they hurt you, you change, not in a good or a bad way, but just with that person, it changes you, I'm not sure in which way I've changed yet, but I know I have, and I can't get onto the road of getting happy again until I figure out why I didn't just be my usual self when these things happen. I need to know why I'm still holding on when I know it's not reciprocated in any way, for once in my life, I don't have an answer, and that's a real eye opener for me, I used to have all the answers to everything, my problems, my friends problems, everything, no matter what it was, I could answer it. And now it's something simple, and I may have the answer to it. Love. Maybe. Or just a massive infatuation? No. It can't be an infatuation or lust, it'd be gone by now. I've always been the type of person, or at least thought I was the type of person that won't love if it's not reciprocated. But I don't know, maybe I was wrong and I am. I have no idea, but I need to figure out why I can't/don't want to let go, and why I chose not to resist everything, before I can be happy again. Luckily for me my mind is most set and works the hardest when I'm not in a good mood. I need closure.