i have a lump in the back of my throat. its the feeling of helpless sadness when you want to cry but hold it back instead. im sick of crying over him. im confused why i even still think about him. and everyday after a month of no communication. i should be over this and im holding on this fraying thread for dear life just hoping that there is hope for us. when its so obvious there is nothing left and i havent been on that boys brain in a while. if ever. why does heartache happen? im not talkin about love, i was never in love with him. i was just enchanted of finding someone in an exotic place to play with and hold hands under moonlit nights. but it wasnt him so why was he around? and why do i care? and when will this be over because the pain is starting to overtake me. i have five tears running down my cheeks and no energy to even wipe them away. this is dumb. everytime i cried in front of him he never understood and always made me feel like i wasnt having the right reaction to the situation. and now when the tears come i hate thinking that even if he was here, hed be scolding my crying. life never happens the way you want. and with each door closed, another is open but i never wanted to close that door. fuck this dude whose name i dont even feel like typing out. when can i be over this? im really wondering if there ever will be a day i wake up and dont feel insane sadness about leaving behind my hawaiian fling. or being left behind, im not sure how exactly it worked out.