hmm i was goin thru sum shit last nite dat i rote last year....and i realised how much stuff has changed since then...this is wat i rote It was a bad night, really bad. I wanted to cut, I wanted to hurt them, I wanted to die. He told me to text him whenever i needed him, I did, he didn't answer. I rung him and screamed at him..he didn't understand. I told him i was cutting at the same time as texting him, he stopped texting back. 2 hours later he text back asking if i was ok, I said i was sorry and asked him why did he bother, he loves me deep, he didnt even realise how much i meant to him. I asked him why when im such a bitch to him and hurt everyone all the time, he told me nothing matttered anymore and that he had learnt that today. I hurt him, I wanted to, now i dont. I never wanted to hurt him, I knew that the first day i ment him, he didnt deserve anymore pain. But last night i wanted to hurt him, he makes me feel better, he keeps me alive, but i still wanted to hurt him. Hes right nothing maters anymore, it hasnt mattered since Wes died. But i hate myself for hurting hm. Im so selfish. I love him ---------------------------------------- 24 Days later I can't fight the feeling that everything that goes wrong is my fault. Everytime somone close to me gets hurt. I can't stand it and I think to myself how could I do that to somoneI love so much. Matt really doesnt want to be here anymore, he wants to die and I have a big feeling that i cant stop him anymore. Everytime his fight for death gets worse and worse...each time he gets closer and closer to leaving me here and breaking my heart and the scars his death would leave on my heart will there forever and they will be something i will never be able to get over. He is my life, my love and my happiness and witout him by my side im nothing. I think of how much shit thats happened and all of it put together doesnt measure up to the pain this one heartbreak, this one loss would cause me. I lay there in the morning with a ssmile on my face coz i know soon i will be able to see him again. Everytime im not with him, its like theres a part of me missing and when im laying in his arms there is no safer place, and no other place i would rather be. The thought of losing him makes me want to break down and cry and when the pain of that is to much to bare i cut and its not his fault. I dont know how to explain the way he makes me feel and i dont know why the feelings i have for him arent strong enough to keep him here with me his arms forever. So when he dies, I will be with him, cuz i will be gone to. I hope he stays not only so i dont die but so me and him can have a happy life and always be together. Right now i dont know if he is alright so i sit here with a blade in my hand..trying to fight the urge to slice my wrist and bleed away my pain. Will i? Should I? Give into the urge? How much things have changed...I was such a bitch....Thats why I lost the one person who I couldnt lose..