Hey gorgeous what up up ta? mmm im bored. Kinda freaked out afta the other night...thinkin id gone to far or something but yeah...I duno whats up with me lately. Hope u dont think im a slut or something...coz yeah...i dont normally do that. Well...sorta am being more sluttyish than i normally would be but i duno why. Tryna get over andrew i guess. Duno ay...was in the weirdest mood last night...I really hate andrew at the moment but u know what i hate the most...that i dont hate him at all...Ive hardly been thinking about him lately..which is a good thing i guess...i miss him the most when i want to tell somone something and i cant just ring him up and tell him knowing he'll be hapy to listen, or go round just to see him, not for anything in particular...coz i dont have anyone to tell. Like ive got simon and leah and everyone...but...its not the same...I duno then i think about how ski probably is on the fone to him or something or with him. You know...i didnt think i did but i hate her so much, im so angry at her. How the fuck could she do that and say the things she said, i really wish i knew what i have ever done to her, like maybe the whole wes thing, and everything related to that she blames me for still, maybe she blames me for losing mark when she found out what he was going to do to her....same thing he did to me..maybe for letting her go out with seppi even after i told her not to...i duno. I hate her tho....cant beleive she has done what she has....so much for being a friend...You no i was lyin there with simon today watchn a movie...was so good u no...just to b with someone...n then i thought no i shouldnt b thinkin that he has a girlfriend who he loves...i just want that u no like....somone to love me. Not somone who cheats on me, fucks me round, plays mind games with me, hooks up with my friends, gets me drunk and stoned so i cant comprehend nethin n fucks me...you no its kinds scarin me, i think that people doing stuff to me...cant even fuckin say the word....like..rape...tghat word...cant say it. Pppl doing that...i think has got to me the point where i really couldnt care less what happens to me...like my body is there and if ppl wana use it they can and i couldnt care otherwise...Itss scary...somwhere in me tho...all i want is to be loved..genuinely loved by somone...somone who i can love with all my heart and they will love me back just as much and i kno my heart will be safe with them and they wont tear it out and rip it up leaving me to pick up the pieces....Just to be loved...I havent felt that for so long...i thought i had that with andrew...you know how u can lie in bed with somone and watch tv and it makes u so happy doing a simple thing like that just bcoz u kno ur both so much in love with each other and always will be....That was all bullshit tho ay...All of that was just one big huge lie....Everythin he ever told me. Was spose to be going to perth with him for 3 weeks these hols...Week after next i woulda left...I spose like simon said its good i listened to him when he begged me not to move out and go live with andrew otherwise god knows where i would be right now. Like...was he feedin me lies or somthin and buildin up all my hopes and everything and then planning to let it all come crashing down around me or what, coz i really did think everything was fine. Like yeah he got angry with me sometime over little things but that was just him. Maybe it was just me that couldnt see it. I think carson could see it...and maybe simon....coz a few days before he dumped me i was talking to carson about it and he said to me that it seemed to him like he was just drifting away from me and i wouldnt be able to stop him as much as i wanted him to...I think he knew...maybe i knew and just didnt want to admit to it...I still didnt want to after it happened...That morning after he dumped me...all carson had to do was look at me and i burst into tears...couldnt say he had dumped me or anything....Leah didnt see it coming but i guess she was like me and i never told her about the bad stuff bout our relationship like how we had a huge fight when he accused me of cheating on him with simon, how we had a huge fight when he called leah a slut and alot of other thing which got me really angry, how he used to get angry with me when he was like tryna do stuff with me and i was like...reali self conscious or something after everything and would sometimes freak out a bit, how he thought the whole world revolved around him and all his problems, how he would get all upset with me if i was working and couldnt see him, how he couldnt understand that after 2 yrs me and ski were still hurting from wes...stuff like that... I didnt tell her any of that....only simon coz yeh...well i see him everyday..and he could always get it out of me...Like i think about stuff like that and i think like why the fuck did i go out with hima nd fall in love with him...and then i think about all the good stuff...which makes me realise why i did...I think i miss that in general more than him at the moment...having somone to laugh with, having somone to cry with....having somone to be there. You no what else...you no me and bindy were like really close...its like i dont even no her anymore...i havent had a proper conversation with her in god knows how many months...I didnt even really tell her about andrew...just...was sitting there one day at skool and she asked me if everything was ok and i said me and andrew had broken up and started crying she said somthin like its alright sweety he didnt deserve u anyway u deserve somone so much beteer...and that was it...we havent talked properly for so long...Not since she was here for the weekend a few months ago...and the whole matty/simon thing happened....I miss her...like...shes here but shes not...i havent even talked to her while weve been on hols...havent ehard from her in a month....Neway...just add that to the list of peiple ive lost.........Nway Like i been lookin everywhere for somone to hook up with lately...(not theres much hope of that with guys round here) and i really duno why like....what the fuck is that guna acheive...ill go out with them, they fuck me, we'll have a few good times, then when i get all attached all thats guna happen is im goin to get hurt again....Still...i miss it tho...Being loved... dont even kno why im sayin all that...Maybe coz its easier to tell somone that, that i dont see each day, so next time i talk to u, u wont say something to me about it that will make me cry,so u dont have to see my tears...I dont want leah to see that... seen enough of them.... Anyway heres my short email thats turned into a story with me pouring my heart out to you and you probably really dont care....I duno why u would...I wouldnt if i was listening to me...Neway...u probably wont even read this...Thing is...im not thinkin zbout this stuff majority of the time...Im normally happy and eveerythin but then i start thing and yeah...ill shutup...