I dont know what is going on anymore. I dont know what to think. I had no idea what today was going to bring but I never expected this....

Why is this happening? I don't understand. I don't feel important. I feel scared. I feel alone. I feel like I am doomed to always pick men that take advantage of my vulnerability.

I am so fucked in the head its ridiculous. And I can know that, and it still doesnt make me any less angry. Any less sad. I know that I have a part to play in all of this. I know that if I wasnt so goddamn nutz that maybe some guy, or one guy would just treat me like I have atleast the tiniest bit of feelings. I dont understand anything anymore but Im slowly starting to see the full picture.

I am not important. I am no good. I am crazy. I am fucked up. I am annoying. I am useless. I am irrational. I am pathetic. I am overbearing. I am psycho. I am delusional. I am everything that any guy would hate in a girlfriend. All these boys that gawk over me at work, and try hard to be my boyfriend..I dont even act phased because if they knew what I knew they wouldnt want to stand two inches from me let alone jump in bed with me. I am a fucking crazy mess. I need help. I need help so bad and its so fucked up.

I fear these things to the point where I make them come true. I dont know what to do anymore to make myself happy. I know I want to die. I just dont know how. And I dont like to think about how it would make my mom