Reflections on Childhood and Love

by xsilium
Feeling: nothing
Sometimes, not often, but sometimes I get tired of partying. Right now, thats just what I do. I drink and I smoke and I fuck and I pass out. All the time. I have fun when I do it, but when I do it so often, it sort of loses its fun. I miss the days that I didn't do these things. I wish just for a day I could be a kid again. I could spend the day doing everything or nothing. It didn't matter because it was always me and it was always new. It was so easy to get lost in things as a kid. Everything was an adventure. I never had to worry about anything because everything always worked itself out. There was no responsibility, no chains of adulthood. There was freedom and slavery at the same time. While we were often free from responsibility and even judgement, we were the slaves to our parents. If anything went wrong it was the parent's job to fix it or the parent's job to take the blame for it. Thats why I think I would make a terrible father right now. I still try too hard to blow off responsibility. I leave too much to spontinaety. I do too many things on a whim that I don't think that I could properly care for an impressionable mind. I think I may want kids someday, but now I don't think I could handle them(most would agree). I don't know whats in my future, though. I think I want to start a long-term relationship, though. I have never had a serious relationship before. Nothing that lasted more than 3 months. I am actually starting to want more than just a one night stand. I never thought I would say that. I think the only reason that I don't have a girlfriend is because I'm affraid I won't be able to love her right. I don't want to fuck things up so I just fuck them up from the start. I never promised anything and there was never any white horse or damsel in distress, but now I long for a fairy tale romance. Such a strange thought. You know what, though? I'm not mature enough for that either. I'd fuck it up. I don't need to be putting a woman through all of my shit just to end up in the exact same spot I am now. And even if I could love, finding a candidate is the hardest part. Maybe my standards are too high. I think initially, I deffinitely need someone I find attractive. As much as we try to deny it, we all need to in some way be physically attracted to those we date. While that may be the initial factor in the act of courtship, it is certainly not the most important to me. I, above all, need someone who is intellectually stimulating. I need someone who can make me think in ways I've never thought before. I need someone who can outthink me and even predict me. I need someone who will make me wonder about everything again. This, I believe will be the major part of any relationship that I put myself into. However, this will not be the whole picture either. After this point, I will be inticed by a woman. I need to feel that I do the same for her. This is what it will take for me to start a relationship. After that I need to become emphatuated with her. I need to be emotionally stimulated. I need to love. I need to feel loved. I need to provide that feeling for her. I need to let her know and I need for her to let me know. I need to feel alive. I need everything. I need perfection. After that...who knows? Marriage? Kids? Grandkids?! The possibilities are endless. Perhaps thats what happiness is. Perhaps there is no such thing. This entry is pretty sporatic. So is the rest of my diary. I guess thats just the way it will have to be. I guess thats the way my life is. Thats my problem. I never feel the same way twice. Today I'm nostalgic who knows how I'll feel tomorrow. Today I feel like I need a girlfriend. Tomorrow I will be content in my loneliness. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
Read 23 comments
first of all i'm not trying to make self rightous comments, just nm. anyways, no i'm not at my happiest however i'm also not at my saddest, and i'm not sure if you were being sarcastic or not, hard to tell, anyways, i'm not trying to tell you how, just suggesting, i'm sure you don't regret what you've done, but let me know how you feel in ten twenty years, you don't know, and yes, neither do i. But...nothin like i said i didn't want to offend you
i think that would be soemthing i would say but when im' older. you made me realize how much fun it is to be young and that i showed live it up while im a kid thanks
[Anonymous]
Same name on yahoo instant messenger. xsilium.
no i don't have AIM but i do have yahoo. if you have that we can IM eachother. we can also e-mail eachother, but my name is vannessa by the way. not to be trusted.
i agree, and actually i'm very open minded, and i don't think i'm always right, a lot of people misinterpret that, however i do agree with what you said about reliogion which is why i didn't insist on going to church but still kinda wanted to, i don't think it's God that's the problem (not that you said it was) but the people organizing the religion. But i do agree. I'm sorry i led to believe what you thought about me, i can be stubborn sometimes
Look. Goof, do you have aol instant messenger? If so, my name on it is the same as on this: XSilium. Send me a message if you've got it. It will make these little conversations much easier. If you don't have it. Whatever. I was just thinking it might be easier that way. That goes for anyone else who wants to instant message me.
I don't take anything personal, but it just seems kinda like you think you can't be wrong. That was why I got a little angry. I used to be like that. And I hate myself for it. This is my main problem with religion. Its why I'm not a Christian. I've met so many close-minded people(including myself at one point) in the church and I don't want to be associated like that. I think that is what religion does to people a lot of times.
depression is a bitch
so i'm told, thanks for your comment, i do appreciate it, i took a class called strategy and it has helped so much, and he gave us a paper on how to deal with depression, and it said what you said, keep yourself busy, don't think etc, so yeah, that's why i think unconciously (sp) i think i'm trying to fight it. but once again thanks.
oh yeah, and i don't judge you either, and i can say you were being sarcastic, good stuff, anyways, just wanted to clear that up, i do not judge you nor do i judge anyone, that's not my place, but i do have opinions about things, and for your sarcastic remark no, i don't know everything, but i do know a bit for my age. I'm sorry for letting you know what i think, if you'd like, i can stop.
again...sorry.
...and therefore refrained from saying anything, every body has their own beliefs, and believe what they do, no one is the same this i know, and i totally respect your opinions or decisions or beliefs, i didn't mean for you to take my words the wrong way, and for that i apologize, i am very sorry. and if my comment about outthinking you offended you as well, i apologize, didn't mean for you to take it the wrong way either. just somethin i do.
exactly, you do tend to change feelings which is why...nm, anywho i could outthink you, trust me. And see all the things you described that you want, you know what you want, you are mature enough to do so, however you don't take the initiative, if you really want to change and someont offers to help you can do so, it happens, the only way you wouldn't be able to is if you didn't really want to, then you'd end up bringing down the other person,
...make them. If life gets more difficult, it is because I made it that way. I don't regret what I do. It is all a learning process. People have to make bad choices to know what good choices are. And happiness isn't an easy thing. If its not difficult, its not worth it. And can you say that you are the most happy you can be? If not, then you shouldn't be trying to tell me how to achieve it. If so, you're lying and you know it.
Man, you sure are smart. I wish I was just like you. You know everything. I've read your entries too, but I don't make dumb-ass self-righteous comments about being able to outthink you. Nor do I judge you. And another thing, I know plenty of people that are older and wiser that don't regret sex. I don't regret anything I do. Its all part of my life and the choices I make. Obviously, I don't make choices that I don't want, otherwise I wouldn't...
oh my....god. that kid is the funniest thing i have ever seen. -amie
and also what's up with the pop ups, it's only with your diary or journal that that happens with, it's really annoying, especially the bs (britney spears) one.
...pretty known fact, if you ask anyone who is older and wiser they'll tell you they regret same with sex, most people regret sleeping with so many people and such, there are some who don't but that's the smaller percentage. I'm not trying to lecture or anything, just voicing my opinion. Happiness isn't easy but people make it even more difficult for themselves when it could be better. I don't know. How did you get started in drugs etc?
which is exactly what i said, it's up to you. Yes I may not know you, but you don't know me either. I've been reading your entries, and i always say, i like how you think...ect. but yes i do claim to outthink you i can out think almost anyone, again you don't even know me. But anyways, I never said happiness was so easy. However are you happy doing the things you do (in the long run) i can guaratee that you'll regret the things you do. It's prett
first, cut off from crap...stop smoking, drinking and all that crap...partying is not a bad thing, but just stop going to "THOSE" parties. Then, you are going to go out in the world and get a social life...because the one your living is not healthy and you need a better one...are you religious? If you aren't, become one...usually they help you...but it really depends on what you join...but I'm not going to become a preacher
[Anonymous]
Yes, I do change my mind a lot. But I people change in their own directions. If I change it will be because of me. But no one can change another person. And if I want assistance, I'll ask for it. You claim to be able to outthink me. You don't even know me. I still enjoy the things I do(partying, drugs etc...), but I don't want to stay the same forever. I will make my life better. And if happiness is so easy, then why aren't more people happy?
...most wanted things from a wife and husband, and every single one of them is different. Anyways, forgot what else i was gonna say...i'll come back i suppose when i do remember.
maybe, your right, what you need is what you're talking about, but do you not see, how you condradict yourself? you say doing drugs and all that stuff is fun, but you get to the point where it's not, it's just not period (in my opinion) true happiness is what you desctibed, and you want is not hard to find, it just takes a little looking around, and yes boys are visual therefore wanting an attractive spouse. And i have the top 5 most wanted thing