Alright, I just have to say something. Astrology is fucking RETARDED. If you believe in it, please do the world a favor and shoot yourself in the face. Seriously, astrology is the biggest load of crap since FOREVER. Astrology in a nutshell: “Lets base our lives on bullshit we can come up with from the stars because we can’t live our own lives and need to be told what to do AND who we are by a retarded system based on animals we made up in the sky.” And apparently everyone born in the same month has the same exact fortune. Isn’t that convenient? I mean, now the fucktard that writes this bullshit can apply it to a giant mass of even bigger fucktards who buy into it. There are BILLIONS of people born in the same month. Exactly how retarded do you have to be to believe that they all will have the same exact things happen to them? That’s the challenge of the horoscope author…keeping messages vague enough for ANYONE who is dumb enough to read it to apply it to their life. Just for example here is what mine said today on Astrology.com: Cancer: “Ready to move toward the future -- and actually let the past go? If so, the universe is willing to help. Put it all behind you and start over.” Honestly now. I don’t care when your month of birth was. Read this and tell me that that can’t apply to you in some way. I especially like the part when it tells me that the universe is willing to help. Isn’t that just fantastic? I have the WHOLE universe willing to help ME. I must be pretty goddamn special. My life should just be one big bowl of fucking cherries today. What a crock of shit! But that’s not all! On the same exact page that it told me what I should do with my life…it also told me who I am! Wow, now I don’t have to think for myself at all! Isn’t this just fantastic?! Here is what it said: “Intuitive Cancers are especially in touch with their emotions.” I gotta hand it to ‘em there. I really was in touch with my emotions when I read this. I was extremely fucking pissed off. I’m completely in touch with my anger towards all of the morons on the planet that actually get away with making a living off of an obvious ploy to the sheep of this planet. “Step on up to be sheared, bred, and murdered for your meat folks!” The people that I really can’t fucking stand are those people who claim that they can tell your fortune from the palm of my hand. One day, I want to go to one and have her start reading my palm. Then, just after she says a line of bullshit while looking at my palm I’d be like “Wait. Wait. Wait….I see how you’re doing this…” Then take my hand back and look at it, rub my finger down one of the lines on my palm and say “…Yeah…I think I see something!...It says…I’m going to slap a jackass in the face!” And just then, they get my palm to their cheek. “I’m Rick James, Bitch.” Then, I’d proceed to cut her with my hobo knife. “Hobo Glory!!!” Lets just face it people. Theres no magic on this planet. No one is coming to whisk you away on their white steed. You will never get anywhere by kissing frogs. The stars are NEVER going to live your life for you, no matter how long you stare at them. Leprechauns are just drunk red-headed midgets. And most importantly, NO ONE LIVES HAPPILY EVER AFTER. So get the fuck over all of that Mother Goose bullshit and go out there and live out your meaningless little existence. The End.