I failed. I kept smoking. I'm going to try again after 4/20. I couldn't even last a whole day. Of course, I actually didn't even try. Today we went to a concert. I had to smoke. There was just no way around it. Yeah, I suck pretty bad. And I'm feeling pretty shitty about life right now. I think that I just don't have enough optimism left. I don't think I can keep waking up every morning and knowing that the biggest part of my day will be that thirty minutes after my first joint. I'm high more often now than I'm asleep sometimes. Either I'm awake and will never dream again or I'm slowly dreaming up a nightmare that will never end. I would almost believe either explanation. Either way I need to change. I will change. I'm going to turn my life around. I am going to attempt something I've never done before. I am going to get in a serious relationship. At least, a relationship that I take seriously, which will be a completely new thing for me. I am going to find a girlfriend. I've determined this is what I want and this is what I'm going to do. Its time I just do it. Its time to grow up a little bit. Well, I've decided what I want to do. Now I just need a proper candidate. My true search begins, as my old ends. I will quit smoking as I begin looking for a suitable love. If I succeed in either one, I will be better off. I'll probably fail anyhow. Thats the only thing I seem to be good at. Nothing has ever come of my aspirations and nothing ever will. I am what happens when goals are gone and hopes are dead. I am standing on the shores of hoplessness and I'm thinking of taking a swim. I know I will eventually drown, but I still want to know what lurks at the bottom. I really want to know what the waves feel like. I want to enjoy the ride down. I want to be shaken with the tides for a while. I want to wash out from where I am to a murky death. I want to sink and be forgotten. I'm tired now. And I'm depressed. I think I'll sleep and try again in the morning. I'm sorry for almost every part of my life now. I'm sorry I have wasted all of my money on things I will never keep or remember. I'm sorry I've forgotten what its like to care. I'm sorry I've wasted your time reading my obviously pitiful existence. I'm sorry just for being sorry. And I'm sad because I'm depressed. And I'm tired of being tired all of the time. I fucking hate this entry. "now she's done and they're calling someone such a familiar name I'm so glad that my memories remote 'cause I'm doing just fine hour to hour, note to note here it is the revenge to the tune you're no good you're no good, you're no good, you're no good can't you tell that it's well understood"