after a day of not speaking to melissa i stayed after with tony n some really gay shit happend. yea something about a dumb locker n it just made me kind of upset. not to the crying point though. we went through the whole activity period in silence. not one word. until the very end when i giggled alittle bit cuz he typed the word "duncan" but that was it. he laughed alittle when he finally knew what was wrong though. like he didnt give a shit or somthing. so yea, that made me feel good. then we walked all the way to the bus without talking. along with the bus ride up to the middle school. then we were waiting for our bus to come get us at the middle school n words were not said. that on the bus he sat on the window side n i was on the outside. no one was talking or moviing. very still. it takes like 25 mins to get to shadowbrook from school. it was silent for like more then 18 mins. i looked the other way twoards the othewr window n i could see his reflection when the sun hit it right. i kept seeing me look at me so i woulnt move. i started crying alittle but i thought he had no idea. i had my head truend the whole time. everything in my heart said just take his hand. just touch him but my head kept tellling me i was scared n stuff. i just couldnt do it. then all the sudden. he reached out n grabbed my hand. he rubbed it for alittle while. then i couldnt help it n i just burried my face in his shoulders. i didnt think he knew i was crying then either. he was kissing my forhead. not 1 convo was taken place except one simple i love you from each. when i got up to get off he noticed the tear on my cheek n wiped it away. i walked down the steps of the bus in complete n total silence, tony followed. we walked all the way to his house in silence. all we heard was the pitter patter of our sneakers. right about at his house he asked me if i was putting my books inside n i said yes. thats it. when i got inside his mom was right there n i started balling. luckily it was in the dark n she couldnt see. tony left for a minute n she started talking to me n i couldnt really spit out words clear. i didnt want her to see her sons girlfriend crying. that was the last thing i wanted. tony hugged her which i found very sweet then left. i managed to squeek out bye. then we were walking to dans house n he stopped me n asked if i was ok n i said yes. we just held eachother n hes liek come on lets go. so then we walked alittle bit more n i started crying alittle again. he stopped me n thats when i let it out. he was actually listening. i was like "i hate just sitting there not touching or talking. its not even the locker thing anymore. its the fact that we didnt talk or anything n i just have this huge lump in my throat n my eyes feel so heavy like i have to cry." he was there for me. he really was. i ahte crying though. hes ganna get sick of it n soon its not ganna be a big deal anymore. like "oh whatever shes crying, it happnes all the time. dont worry about it" im scared that thats ganna happen. i dont think i could ever live with that. sure i mean sometimes i cry n its dumb but no matter how dumb it is im crying for a reason. it either hurts me n causes pain or im egtting to the point where i just cant deal with anymore shit. idk then we talked to tim fer alittle while b4 we got to dans. we hung out in his room the whole fricken time. kinda boring. had pizza though. n sierra mist:) me n tony play faught alot. i always love that..especially when no one gets hurt. haha i played counterstrike which i was good at;) shut up tony ur just jealous! haha i love you. umm..then tony informend me that when he laughed earlier in activity period he was doing that instaead of blowing up at me. i mean..i didnt knwo he even was mad at me. ugh. i got alittle sad over that. i would rather him yell or somthing then just ignore me or laugh. but he wont do that. i felt like crying again. idk why. i get so emotional so easily now. i fucking hate it n i know im fucking annoying. but yea..then my mom pulled up when we were on our little walk. by the way..i had to sweatshirts on cuz tony was so nice to give me his even though i tried to give it back. haha i love him. everything was fine after that though. he hugged me with the most hugest hug n said "brittany, i love you so much..forever. i hate it when you cry, more then when i cry. please dont cry anymore." ugh. hes justthe best. then i went home but had alittle intrasting convo with my mom. i guess lisa (ashleys mom) saw my dad n his fucking girldfriend parked in some parking lot. i guess they had a few words. but yea, thats fucking embaressing. why the fuck would my dad do that. it makes me feel unconfterable. why cant things go back to the way they were. this sucks. when i got home i got online n melissa i-ms me n says she wants to talk n not started shit so we got into a chat room along with ashley n kristy also. wasnt to prgessive. melissa said somthing like just let go so i Xed out the chat. i was done talking. im so pissed off all the time at her now. idk what it is. i love her to death but shitty when im around her. w.e im sure it will get better somehow..it has to, right? well this turned out to be a huge entry. i think i should hed out now. its been like 23 mins typing all this. haha wow. 7 months with tony has been amazing n i would never trade anything that we have shared. not even the wat we call "bad" but it teaches us stuff about who we are n our limits. me n tony have come to realize that we cant live without eachother and that we are very much inlove. 3*5*04 will live on forever. i love you tony.