ugh. i find myself getting teary eyed at home all the time or get the lump in my throat like i can just cry forever. i start crying at school..mostly on fridays cuz i know the shitty weekends coming. i could cry right now. im holding it in..well, trying. i miss him. i miss him more than anything. i know he gets mad when i cry about so i try so hard not to but i cant help it. my life feels so shitty right now. i dont want tony to take that the wrong way but i feel it. he loves me and i love him. were fine with that. but we miss eachother. we see eachother in school and thats it now. n usually i end up fucking up that time with him by getting upset. ugh. it sucks. we have our good days where everything is happy n laughs but then we have a couple bad days where i get upset or somthing n gay shit happens n i hate it. i hate being grounded. its ruining my moods and my happyness. i want things to go back to normal. i wanna be in tonys arms on the beanbag n fall asleep. i wanna have endless laughter and romantic kisses. ugh. im crying rght now. i try not to tell tony when i cry anymore cuz it just makes him upset n i hate doing that too. ugh. i havnt felt this in so long. i know when im ungrounded shit will be back to normal. and when christmas comes hes coming over at 8am n wake me up to open presents. were ganna cuddle by the fire under a huge blankie and drink hot chocolate. tony told me hes ganna make my first snowman with me too. ugh. its going to be perfect. i miss him. i miss him so much. this is so hard. sometimes..i dont want to admit things on this diary cuz i know my friends read it. but i cant help it. Things are not perfect right now. me n tony are fine with being inlove. we always will be. but i feel so heavy all the time n i know that brings him down n its my fault. ugh. i hate this. i wanna be with him. its only 10am right now n he cant even call me cuz my mom made me get back my phone sence im grounded. so idk if hes ganna go to joes n get online or what?! this sucks so bad. i know this whole entry has been a complaint but i dont do this often so please bare with me. im just really sad right now. im isolated from everything on weekdays. all i can have is the phone n no one ever calls. tony does maybe for like 10 mins during the day n then goes home at like 9 n trys to call me but sometimes his mom says no. so i just sit there n wonder if hes having a good time. i just miss him so much. i miss spending all my time with him. it hurts to be away from him. ugh. im crying again. im ganna go. hopefully tony will be on soon even though i know he wakes up at 1230. ='(