i've gone back to my myspace diary thing. so if you care to read about whatever i have to write go there.. myspace.com/ajamais2007

is there no stop to the madness?! everything is going to badly! i hate this.. im so fucking confused about everything that is going on in my life. i dont know what to do or how to act around anyone anymore.. its so frustrating.. everyone seems to always be so repulsed by me.. its horrible.. im so sick of this.. i just dont want to be alive right now.. theres no fucking point.. this is all just complete bulshit.. everything is just messing up.. *sigh*.. what do i do now?

im so confused about everything that is going on right now.. how to act, how to feel, what to say, and what to do.. my heart screams sean.. but.. i duno.. im scared that if i push, he'll leave me. and thats the last thing i want. its just.. so.. weird how things have flipped around.. these past few years, he's always been chasing after me.. trying to get me to see who he really was and how much he cared. and now.. its like.. im chasing him.. trying to show him how much i care. yeah i've been in this situation before.. but not like this.. its hard to explain how its different.. but it just is.. (and no, it has nothing to do with the fact that its a guy.) we just have so many common interests.. he teaches me something new every time i see/talk to him. he's so smart and he knows he is.. which actually gets rather annoying when he gets into his deep conversations where i dont know what he's talking about because he is useing big words. but.. most of them i get cause of the context that he uses.. so.. i guess english wasnt a complete waste.. anyway.. he's a great guy and i cant believe that i actually got him.. well.. kinda.. i guess i had him.. which is horribly depressing.. but anyway.. *sigh* i miss being with him.. even though i saw him tonight and we had a good night.. then there are some other things.. like.. mom is getting all.. lets be friends.. and all mother like.. i guess im not really complaining.. but its just.. too late. and then there's dad.. he forgot leslie's birthday.. he usually does though. sometimes i think he forgets his own birthday.. but he usually remembers mine. but now that everything has changed so much these past couple years, i wonder if he'll remember. i duno.. i guess we'll have to see.. after all its in may.. so he has some time before he can forget.. something tells me this year will be different. im not sure how.. its just a feeling.. but i hope that its not horrible. i dont want another 15th birthday suprize.. 'sorry hunny but your dad is moving to florida'.. yeah 3 days before my b-day.. that was a great year. anyway.. i guess for once i wish i could be happy for more than 2 seconds..

well.. my relationship with sean is over.. and i swear its going to kill me.. i dont even know what to make of everything thats going on.. however, i do know that he and i still like eachother very, very much and he wants to be with me. its just everything thats going on. he just cant right now.. who knows what will happen in the future.. i hope we are together soon..

i think i love him.. when did this happen?

i've been really tired lately. i've gained so much weight its not even funny.. however, i've decided that i will lose 20 lbs by may. hopefully i can do it so that i can fit comfortably into my prom dress. and back into my old clothes. prom is going to be the shit! sean and i are going together. how sweet is that? caitlin and i are going to get our hair done together and shes going to do my makeup.. i might accesorize her dress if i can. or if she hasnt already. yes, prom is in may, but you have to schedual these things early. its crazy how booked up people get! hopefully ill look ok.. it just hit me that i cant dance. oh damn.. i mean, i know i cant dance.. but why am i going to prom if i cant dance? anyway.. i've been going to church these past couple weeks with my friend sarah c. she's a really cool girl. i've started to believe in god again.. but i duno. i believe, but i dont agree with some of the things that you need to.. like sex before marraige. its a great thing. but its not something that i can do now.. and letting god "take the drivers seat".. it just doesnt seem realistic to me. i control my life. and i think that our lives have many different paths already set out and its our choice of which one we want. i just hope that im picking the right one. it feels normal and good.. so i think it is... ? being with sean has helped bring out my true self.. and brought up some things in my past that i didnt want to come back to, but now that i have, i feel somewhat better to get them out and away from me.. *random switch of subject* in english we're reading this book called the great gadspy (sp?). im not sure if i like it yet. les says its good and my english teacher (fresh out of college) says its good.. i dont wanna be bored with it.. a new term is starting now. i hope i can keep my grades up now. we all start off with a's and hopefully i wont go down to an f. that really fucking sucks. i think ill have two maybe three f's on this report card that we get this friday from last term.. but.. im going to get the grades. there is no buts about it. *grr* lol.. omg im so bored. 4 more days until my boy comes home. but at least ill have something to do these next three days. church tomorrow with sarah, doctor with mom on thurs, and therapist on fri. itll give me something to do. yay me! but anyway. i gotta do my physics! so im outa here!

i never thought i would be with someone like him. i never thought i would actualy fall for him.. but i did.. and i have to admit it scares me to death. but.. he makes me happy.. a kind of happy that i've never felt. it all seems too good to be true.. i hope its not.. i hope this last a long time. sometimes i feel like i really annoy him.. but he annoys me at times too. but one of the best things about being around him is the fact that i feel safe around him. its a really wonderful feeling.. this upcomming week is going to blow though.. he's going to new mexico for a ski trip with his dad and his brother and sister. and apparently his dads girlfriend and her son is going too. he's not too thrilled about that. but what can ya do? im going to miss him like crazy... *sigh*.. so.. for the first time in a long time i really ok. things arent going bad.. but they arent going good per say.. but more good than bad. im back on my zoloft which is helping a lot. im still really uncomfortable with where i live and all that stuff.. but.. im just ok.. and its a rather exciting thing.. im ok with being ok..

new life, new world, new people.. new love? maybe im ok after all.

i want to go home! i never should have left! the worst mistake i have ever made.. god.. how could i be so stupid? i wanna go home..

life fucking sucks...

i am alone on new years... enough said.....

so im at my aunts house in colorado.. its a little boring, but its ok. my aunt is pretty damn funny. so its worth it.. so.... i realized that im a complete fucking idiot for moving.. i mean.. i didnt feel like i belonged in e-ville.. but i know that i really dont want to fucking live with my mom. i swear if things get worse again, im talking to my dad. even though thats a horrible idea.. i would rather live with my dad than my mom. just to give the people at home a jist.. if i moved in with my dad, it would be like two hurricanes being slamed together. im so much like my father that it wouldnt be good. but anything is better than living with "the woman". god i dont like her. mom is even trying to say that she is our new stepmom.. how much bulshit is that?! les and i both strongly dislike this woman. its completely rediculous!! i dont like what my mom has changed into. i mean.. i dont care if she is gay, be my guest w/e... but she puts this woman ahead of me and les! is that not shit? she doesnt even stand up for us anymore. at least not for me.. shes putting us in further debt buying useless shit for her. when she could be working on selling the house to get some money for our college funds. i swear as soon as i get my car im never going to be there. im going to be with jennifer every time i get to. if not with her, with sarah, summer, ashley, or emily. maybe if things really turn to shit then ill go with les to her friend brittany's house. its always fun there. im so fucking sick of this family. mom is just now realizing that she lost leslie. and shes known that she lost me for a while. and shes trying to be all mother like.. its such crap. i mean, good for her that shes trying but its a lost fucking cause. once les graduates, she and brittany are moving in together. that is if leslie gets accepted to iupui.. i think she wanted to go there.. i duno.. but once im accepted to purdue (i pray to god!!) im OUT! GONE! BYEBYE! ill have my lapy and my books and clothes and im out. ill have a dorm so ill have somewhere to live. i cant wait to get the fuck away!!! on a lighter note.. jennifer got into sig. shes really excited about that. im excited for her too. she'll be much happier there.. i just hope and pray that she wont find someone new. im so scared that she will. and i know shes scared that i will, but a) no one really knows im alive anymore. and b) whats the point? just another heartbreak for me to go under a rock for.. and i dont need that. im content with being with someone i love. however.. even with being with her.. i still feel lost. she is the only department in my life that i know whats happening most of the time. other than that, i have no fucking clue! im so lost with everything that is going on. i dont know what to do anymore. i just want to die. its not like anyone here would know. no one really knows im comming back. just a few people.. god, i just dont want to be alive. im so stressed out and im so exausted. and its like no matter how much sleep i get im never awake.. im so tired of all this bulshit.. i dont know what to do.. *cries* i feel so alone!! its not even a cry for help anymore... its just that i feel alone and i dont think i can get out of this anymore.. my hole is too deep... i cant get out...

so yeah.. i didnt continue imidiately.. but at least im continuing.. anyway.. mom blew up her sweet potato stuff and kays stuffing. it was actually kinda funny cause i came downstairs into the kitchen and asked what the hell happened.. haha.... right.. anyway.. i slept alone last night and it was so depressing.. i havnt slept alone since... i duno.. 2-3 months.. i duno.. i miss her so much.. i cant hug her or kiss her.. i think not being around her is giving me a stomach ache cause it hurts really bad.. :(.. you know.. i come home so that i can relax and hang out with friends, but i havnt done anything with friends.. not even last time! mom just takes me over to the house and makes me clean all day.. and now, she took kay over there and i stayed here.. and now i have to clean kays house! this is bulshit! grr.. i've lost 3 lbs, but i look uber fat.. i hate this. i wanna be skinny again! i had no problem with being 112... no problem at all. now im 140.. how does this happen! i've gained 30 lbs in the last 5 months.. thats not good! ewwness of the body!! anyway.. im gonna go.. my arm hurts like a bitch and its hard to type. to my love: I LOVE YOU!!!

so.. im home at the "womans" house. god i just dont like her.. she creeps me the fuck out. and you know who that woman is if you know me well enough. thanksgiving food was nice. i have to say that my mom can cook. even though she made two things blow up in the oven.. lol.. omg.. i am being yelled at.. ill finish later!

malachi is back and that makes me so happy. he is a friend of mine that i got really close to a few years ago.. he emailed me and i miss him a lot. it was never and intimate thing, but we just got so close.. but in an emo type of way (he lives in california) but yeah.. im happy that he has contacted me again! fuck yes!

nothing at all has gone on. like at all.. shits just getting worse. thats just about it. so.. tra la la.

im sitting here in school.. homeroom.. yay.. its so fucking cold in here its not even funny.. i have to be in here for like the next two hours or something cause there are other people in the school that are taking iSTEP.. that was a fun test.. god.. i hated that test.. anyway.. im sitting in homeroom and these two guys start talking about our english teacher and the fact that shes had a lot of miscarraiges.. and they start making fun of her for it! thats fucking bullshit. i've never had one, but my friends mom had six of them before they had her (sarah).. loosing a kid is one of the most awful things in life.. and anyone can tell that even if they havent had or lost one.. i havnt blogged in a while.. nothing really has gone on though.. not too exciting.. school, work, sleeping, cleaning room, ya know.. shit like that... work i guess is going ok. i think i might quit.. i didnt want to go into food anyway.. but yesterday laurena made me use the frier thing.. and im like terrified by it and i burned my finger.. and i just got really upset and she made me finish what i was doing even though she could see that i was mortified.. i turned in a bunch of applications to places like whether vane, gap, gadzooks, and stuff like that.. ya know.. clothes! fuck yeah.. i want my employers discount! i get a free meal every time i work at great steak and potato, but i would rather have clothes than food. lol.. school is going ok. not much has really gone on.. i dont like my art class anymore cause some people found out about myself and they hate me for it now.. they laugh and say discusting things about me when they see me.. i duno.. i care.. but at the same time im not really sure that i do. i know it bothers me and makes me wanna cry.. but i duno. not much else is going on.. at least not anything worth talking about..

i love her.. i want to be with her.. but now htat im living with her.. yes its easier for us to be together and its not "us" thats the problem.. its her mom.. and it just really sucks.. cause i cant love the way that i want.. i just... i love her..

ok well.. first off.. to whomever wrote that coment on my last blog can get over themselves.. i dont write those things to get attention.. its called a diary.. and ill use it as one. anyway.. yay for me cause i got a job! my first day was today.. and might i say, it was really fun. the managers son, nick, is awsome. he's really nice. at first i didnt like it cause it was tad bit overwhelming, but i got used to it.. twas all good! i have to admit though that i wont get used to the smell.. its just.. really bad.. (grease).. but oh well.. i dont plan on working there that long. i dont want to work with food so im going to turn in a bunch of applications to other places (clothes) sometime really soon. hopefully tomorrow.. either way.. i hope i get the job at gap or weather vane. those two would be fucking awsome!.. my day at school was ok. i got in trouble (again) in french cause i didnt do my homework.. im not sure i care, but i dont want the wrong impression on her.. on the other hand, the impression on my history teacher cant be that good.. i've fallen asleep many a times. lol.. well.. i got homework to do, but i just thought i would share that i got a job and stuff.

i fucked up.. ONCE again..