so im at my aunts house in colorado.. its a little boring, but its ok. my aunt is pretty damn funny. so its worth it.. so.... i realized that im a complete fucking idiot for moving.. i mean.. i didnt feel like i belonged in e-ville.. but i know that i really dont want to fucking live with my mom. i swear if things get worse again, im talking to my dad. even though thats a horrible idea.. i would rather live with my dad than my mom. just to give the people at home a jist.. if i moved in with my dad, it would be like two hurricanes being slamed together. im so much like my father that it wouldnt be good. but anything is better than living with "the woman". god i dont like her. mom is even trying to say that she is our new stepmom.. how much bulshit is that?! les and i both strongly dislike this woman. its completely rediculous!! i dont like what my mom has changed into. i mean.. i dont care if she is gay, be my guest w/e... but she puts this woman ahead of me and les! is that not shit? she doesnt even stand up for us anymore. at least not for me.. shes putting us in further debt buying useless shit for her. when she could be working on selling the house to get some money for our college funds. i swear as soon as i get my car im never going to be there. im going to be with jennifer every time i get to. if not with her, with sarah, summer, ashley, or emily. maybe if things really turn to shit then ill go with les to her friend brittany's house. its always fun there. im so fucking sick of this family. mom is just now realizing that she lost leslie. and shes known that she lost me for a while. and shes trying to be all mother like.. its such crap. i mean, good for her that shes trying but its a lost fucking cause. once les graduates, she and brittany are moving in together. that is if leslie gets accepted to iupui.. i think she wanted to go there.. i duno.. but once im accepted to purdue (i pray to god!!) im OUT! GONE! BYEBYE! ill have my lapy and my books and clothes and im out. ill have a dorm so ill have somewhere to live. i cant wait to get the fuck away!!! on a lighter note.. jennifer got into sig. shes really excited about that. im excited for her too. she'll be much happier there.. i just hope and pray that she wont find someone new. im so scared that she will. and i know shes scared that i will, but a) no one really knows im alive anymore. and b) whats the point? just another heartbreak for me to go under a rock for.. and i dont need that. im content with being with someone i love. however.. even with being with her.. i still feel lost. she is the only department in my life that i know whats happening most of the time. other than that, i have no fucking clue! im so lost with everything that is going on. i dont know what to do anymore. i just want to die. its not like anyone here would know. no one really knows im comming back. just a few people.. god, i just dont want to be alive. im so stressed out and im so exausted. and its like no matter how much sleep i get im never awake.. im so tired of all this bulshit.. i dont know what to do.. *cries* i feel so alone!! its not even a cry for help anymore... its just that i feel alone and i dont think i can get out of this anymore.. my hole is too deep... i cant get out...