im so confused about everything that is going on right now.. how to act, how to feel, what to say, and what to do.. my heart screams sean.. but.. i duno.. im scared that if i push, he'll leave me. and thats the last thing i want. its just.. so.. weird how things have flipped around.. these past few years, he's always been chasing after me.. trying to get me to see who he really was and how much he cared. and now.. its like.. im chasing him.. trying to show him how much i care. yeah i've been in this situation before.. but not like this.. its hard to explain how its different.. but it just is.. (and no, it has nothing to do with the fact that its a guy.) we just have so many common interests.. he teaches me something new every time i see/talk to him. he's so smart and he knows he is.. which actually gets rather annoying when he gets into his deep conversations where i dont know what he's talking about because he is useing big words. but.. most of them i get cause of the context that he uses.. so.. i guess english wasnt a complete waste.. anyway.. he's a great guy and i cant believe that i actually got him.. well.. kinda.. i guess i had him.. which is horribly depressing.. but anyway.. *sigh* i miss being with him.. even though i saw him tonight and we had a good night.. then there are some other things.. like.. mom is getting all.. lets be friends.. and all mother like.. i guess im not really complaining.. but its just.. too late. and then there's dad.. he forgot leslie's birthday.. he usually does though. sometimes i think he forgets his own birthday.. but he usually remembers mine. but now that everything has changed so much these past couple years, i wonder if he'll remember. i duno.. i guess we'll have to see.. after all its in may.. so he has some time before he can forget.. something tells me this year will be different. im not sure how.. its just a feeling.. but i hope that its not horrible. i dont want another 15th birthday suprize.. 'sorry hunny but your dad is moving to florida'.. yeah 3 days before my b-day.. that was a great year. anyway.. i guess for once i wish i could be happy for more than 2 seconds..