i've noticed that i am the horrible jealous type.. i was hanging out with a few friends last night.. and me friend vanessa and i were talking in her truck and jenn and travis were sitting on the park bench.. and v and i were just talking.. and i would just look over at jenn and travis and just.. i would fill up with almost uncontrolable rage.. i just got so fucking jealous.. and im not really sure why.. i told v that and she felt the same way towards travis and all.. i dont know what my deal is.. i love her so much (and you know who you are). i really do.. i cant put into words how much i love her. i wish i could put my feelings into words so that i could tell her just how much that i care about her.. and how sorry i am that im not with her.. but, like i was telling v, i just cant hurt her again. i refuse to.. and i know that im hurting her right now.. but its a different kinda of pain.. i dont know what i would do this time to change everything, but im so scared that i will.. i have no problem commiting to her.. and i have no problem giving us a chance.. but i CANNOT hurt her again.. i just cant.. and im not sure if i can stress that enough (lol).. i duno.. im just.. im so sorry for putting her through all this.. and stringing her along again.. i just.. im so horrified to let her go. i will not get left behind again. the vast majority of my friends have just up and left. and i will not let that happen with her.... and i know she wont do that to me.. but i just.. if she finds someone new.. then i just feel.. replaced.. and i know she says that she can never replace me.. but.. i duno.. im just so fucking horrified of loosing her yet again... of loosing yet another friend.. i dont know what to do.. my head and half of my heart is saying "YES" but the rest of my heart is screaming "NO". i just.. i want to be with her. and i wish she knew just how much i care about her..