Secrets that he can never know

I have secrets. Everyone does. Some people always feel the need to unload their secrets on their significant other. Except for me. If he fucks someone else, I never want to know. Ever. If he can do it, get away with it and still give me what I need, right on. And the same goes for me. I've messed up a couple of times and I'll admit here because no one knows this place. This place is a desert wasteland of online journal entries from 6 years ago. It almost doesn't exist. So here, in all of its glory, I will put my secrets out there. If I can even remember them all.

I got my first kiss at 12 from TK. He was my best friend and my first boyfriend. 6 years later, he came out of the closet and we became closer than ever. He's my soulmate. Oh yeah and we kissed during a game of Truth or Dare, while he was dressed in a tube top and makeup. I should have known!

At 13, I got my first french kiss from MC. It was on a bus trip back from One Act Play. I got most of my good play on school buses. That night, he told me that he liked me 5th out of the girls in school. At that time in my life, I was so happy to hear that if 4 other girls died off, I would have a chance with someone. That was the first time, MC manipulated me and it didn't stop until I was 17. I sent him a FB request a month ago and he denied me. He's dating a former fat girl from high school and probably doesn't want to dredge up memories. I wish he could know that I've forgiven him.

During my freshman year of high school, I had many firsts. The first time I fell in 'love' was with JA. He was so trashy. But he represented everything I wanted. He had experience. He was emotional. He was a poet. He had deep feelings and had knocked like two girls up before who had both mysteriously miscarried. It wasn't until years later that I realized he was completely full of shit and full of lies. He was my first makeout session, first fingering, first head, first guy to go down on me. I would have walked into fire for that guy. Just because he was the first guy to admit that he wanted me. Not to anyone else, mind you. Only to me. But at 14, it didn't matter.

Freshman and sophomore year were spent pining after JA and MC and EG. EG was the best guy I had ever met up until that point. He was Mexi, tall, bigger than me, he felt like a bear. We had the best conversations and at 15, all I wanted was to eventually be his wife and (gasp!) the mother of his children. To this day, I know I should have somehow finagled my way into that family. One day while MAJA were making a routine stop at MC's house for "Brady Night," EG took me to MC's room and there was business. I still remember the way he looked up at me from my chest. I remember that I was wearing my clip-in-front bra and Powerpuff Girls tee. It's weird the things you remember years later. He's in the army now, married to an ugly munchkin woman and has a baby on the way. I'll bet a million dollars that the only reason he got married was to have that baby. All EG ever wanted was to be a father. JA moved back to HickTown, USA, and started fucking every country bumpkin in sight and MC and I would make out occasionally.

I'm a band kid, tried and true. So my high school years were spent marching, being on loading crew and having the time of my life with all of my friends. My junior year I met an incredibly hot freshman named MM and we hit it off. He was My Emo Kid (I was majorly into Dashboard Confessional at that time). He played video games, he was a swimmer. He was olive complected and had the most beautiful brown eyes that are only rivaled by my current love's. We dated for four months - no drinking, no sex, no nothing. I would cry and cry and wait for his phone call. But he would always rather hang out with his guy friends than me. And this was before I started driving so I was stuck at home all the time waiting for him. He dumped me on New Years Day before he went to visit him cousin in Dallas. Needless to say, 2004 did not have a happy beginning. Actually 2004 was a horrible fucking year altogether. Later that January, I went to a party at his new bestie's RW's apt and we got in the hot tub. All I wanted was some recognition from him... anything. But I got nothing. We didn't hang out much of the rest of the year. That summer, he came out to me on AIM. He was bi. Interesting because I was bi, too. I was in love with my best friend MD at the time. I had professed my love to her before school got out and she flipped out. Even though, we had some crazy drunken nights where she wanted to fuck my brains out. And the feeling was mutual.

MD has been the only girl I have fallen in love with and actually done stuff with. She's beautiful, to this day. I can't stand her guts now. She's the only person I've ever loved as a friend and more who I don't want anything to do with at all. She's a waitress at a restaurant we go to often and I request to not be in her section. I don't want to listen to her lies- her denial about anything that happened between us. And I know that she spread rumors about me in high school... everyone thought I was a major lez for a while. Which wasn't entirely true. In hindsight, I'm not gay, bi, straight, anything. I'm just interested. I like people. I want to get to know them. It's why I'm a journalist. And I'm attracted to anyone who is interesting. And that attraction leads to flirting which leads to wanted to cheat. I'm a bad girlfriend.

I also lost my virginity my junior year to MC. Another example of his amazing manipulation skills and my complete and utter need to feel loved. He essentially said that I would 'pussy' out, and I did it to prove him wrong. It was the worst sex I've ever had. It was in my bed room while my parents were at work. Afterward, he smoked pot outside my garage and then rode his bike home. I remember feeling vindicated. Now I know that I was just trying to cover up a feeling of being used.

After MM coming out to me and me falling in and out of love with MD, I wanted senior year to be fun. It started out amazing. Earlier that year, I found DDR and one video game completely changed my life. I started hanging out with MM constantly at his house. We would have DDR parties, eat TBell and drink Mountain Dew Baja Blast. I hung out with a ton of different groups that year. MB and the fishies, MM and the DDR band kids. I hooked up a lot that year too. And I don't remember with all who. The memorable ones are Lane (don't remember his last name), STH the 2nd (that may have been junior year), BR (gross) and MC.

That fall, I had sex with MC in the backyard of an abandoned house we called 'Scary House.' I also started a relationship with CL who is the ex of one of my best friends, JB. I love CL... and I know he loved me. He would just never ask me out officially. We'd hook up. We'd chat online. We'd talk on the phone. He made me cum harder than anyone ever has. I can admit that now because I'm about to turn 23 and it's the truth. Whatever we had went on for a few months. Those few months are hard to remember because I was drinking and hooking up with a lot of different guys. Then in the spring I became good friends with my boyfriend, AP, and the rest is history. We started dating in March 2005 and he solved my life's problem: I was no longer alone. He wanted to be with me... all the time... everyday. He wanted to talk to me, hold me, fuck me, kiss me. And 5 years later, he still wants to do all of those things. I love him. But... now I'm confused and bored.

Ok here are the real secrets: I've cheated on AP twice... three times? Regardless, it was with two different guys and it was years ago. With CL right after we started dating. It was either that time or the time right before AP and I started dating that we almost had unprotected sex. CL and I never had full sex though. I wanted it so bad but luckily he stopped me. I don't think I ever thanked him for that... With my fertile genes, I know I would have gotten pregnant and my life would be completely different now. I probably never would have graduated from college or gotten a job at the BE. I'd be a mom and maybe a wife. Ick. A year later, I had a short fling-like situation with DC, who is a sexy Samoan. I did that just to do it though. It was stupid. I didn't even really like him.

Ever since I have tried to abstain from flirtation. I gave up many of my male friends. I let go of MM and the crew. I focused on being in college, working at the UP and being the best gf I could be to AP. And now that I'm graduated and I have a new job, I'm bored out of my fucking face.

There's a guy at work named RSC. He works in sports. He's an army brat, but lived in Pensacola, went to school in Maine and lived in Canada for a while. He's mixed and cute. Smart and snarky. Slightly virginal and doesn't drink. Essentially the black, Northern version of AP. I've known him for 6 days and he already told me I'm everything he's looking for in a woman. Since he's moved here to work, he hasn't found anyone who's like me (his words). He tells me I'm beautiful and I have a beautiful smile. I know what you're thinking... he's just trying to get in my pants. But he's not... I think he genuinely wants to be my boyfriend. And then probably get in my pants. I told him that nothing could ever be. We're friends, it's not going to be weird, but we're friends. I did not tell him though that I kind of feel the same way about him. He's the most interesting thing to happen to me in months that wasn't work or school related. Now that I have my new body (20 pounds lighter, thank you), I want someone other than AP to see me naked. I don't think RSC is the guy though. He's a Stage 5 Clinger.

Now CS on the other hand is a different story. My fellow PT-er and I spend two hours a day together working out. He's seen me at my absolute worst and my absolute best. And he's incredibly fucking sexy. Wow. In a heartbeat... just say the time and place.

So essentially what this entry should tell me is that I'm a complete whore. But at 22 (almost 23), I know now that I'm not a whore. I don't believe in true monogamy. I don't think it exists. I'm not polyamorous by any means. I just like people. And I want to have sex with them. Not all of them, but a lot of them. I don't know if I'll ever be satisfied without going through with it.

This entry didn't cover my college years because they were consumed with AP. I do, however, lust after my fellow UPer Monkey. He's 31 and super hot. He has a jungle cat and sells the best pot in town. But that doesn't matter to me because I've never even tried pot. He has social anxiety and is good about keeping secrets. So if I ever decide to have an affair, Monkey is where I'll go. I heard he's amazing in bed.

Thanks for reading. Though no one ever does. I do, though. And it helps.

lyrics for my soul