Jealousy kills. It's just one of those things that you try not to think about but it's always there waiting for you to have downtime in your day to pop up. I have no one to be jealous of. Austin is mine. I'm his first girlfriend and he cares about me and he's "always thinking about me" but I don't know... I'm retarded. This right here is the reason I didn't want to get involved with anyone before I graduated. Then I could hook up with whoever I wanted and there would be no hurt feelings for at least another season. But nooooo... I found Austin and while he makes me the happiest person, I'm always nervous if he really wants to be with me or not. I am making stuff up. I'm not right in the head sometimes. Maria gave me the best advice yesterday... she said that all worrying does is make you sick. That's what happened to my mom. She worries about everything and everyone and now after 30 years of doing that she's paranoid and makes up problems in her head. I don't want to be like that. I would prefer to be carefree and live life from day to day instead of scared that it's all going to fall apart on me at any moment. I cut the other night. It was after Showcase theatre... and I had just fucked up my monologue so bad and I was crying uncontrollably and the only thing that could have possibly calmed me down was cutting. But I did it with a fork and it hurts a lotttttt..... I have to go. bye.