I NEED to start writing in here more. I've had so much writing to do for my classes that I'm oftentimes too worn out to actually write about what I'm thinking at that point in time and I'm starting to regret that greatly. So much has happened since I wrote in here last. Ah... geez. Okay. Let me just write all of this down. Mariana. She means a lot to me. There are complications though. As always I guess. She neglected to tell me until recently that she had gone under what's called a "dating vow" back in December of last year (I think) and she's not supposed to date anyone until December of this year. It's a very strange situation for me especially. She likes me. I like her. We can't be together. At least for a while anyways. That's what's so strange though, we are still together a lot and I still hang out with her a lot (like tonight @ In 'N Out), it's just different between us than it would have been. I respect her so much though. She is so honest and compassionate about everything she goes through, for me, I don't mind waiting for her. I'd wait longer if I had to, I care about her that much. It was kinda reassuring how she presented her whole dilemma to me as well, she was like, "I feel so weird telling you this now because I should've told you like so much earlier, but I can't really date you right now because I took this vow not to date last year and I sorta feel like that's what we have been doing for the past few months, I just didn't want us to get so serious as to be considered as a couple. I did this because I need to really get my life right spiritually." She said more than that and we've talked about it a little bit since, but I can tell that it's just as weird for her too because she wants to be with me so it's just gonna be a matter of time for us I guess. I'm cool with waiting, I get to see her all the time anyways. Okay. School. It's cool. I like my classes, but I feel like the tests that I've taken have been the worsts test I've ever participated in performace-wise. I had an Ethics test yesterday and it was on NOTHING that we had even slightly mentioned in any of the weekly 3-hour-long class sessions and on NOTHING that I had studied. Maybe it's just because I'm new to college, but I feel like taking tests on the stuff that's actually relevant to what the teacher is making a point to teaching you is pretty pivotal for the entire educational process. I guess it's more fun for my Ethics (and for that matter, History) professor to test on obscure book references rather than actually offering useful insight. I feel like I'm actually giving it my best effort in most of these classes as well. My English class is a bit dry and we NEVER turn any assignments in, but I feel like I'm working hard for all of these classes, hopefully my work won't go unrewarded (like it has in Ethics). Another thing I'm picking up in college (maybe I mentioned this in my last post) is that people will be jerks just because they can be. Their logic is somewhere along the lines of, "Hey, I don't have to be polite, sober or even a half-decent individual? Cool!" And they take that logic to complete fruition. They chain-smoke, binge-drink and nearly overdose on drugs just because they can. There's no reason for any of that. I've mentioned it before and chances are I'll probably mention it again. I guess if it makes insecure people feel better about themselves, it serves some purpose, but it's still pitiful nonetheless. That's another thing, people here are so desperate and so broken, they just feel like they have to do whatever they can to keep people out and to "act natural". It's so sad too. That reminds me of how I've been feeling lately too. I've been struggling so much with just being ligitmate. I feel like everything that I do is just so watered down and not worth anything. I want to amount to huge things for God's will and for people, but I don't feel like what I have to offer is good enough. I'm gonna still give what I've got, but I keep thinking about how much more I could be giving. I don't feel ligitimate, that's all it comes down to. I feel like my guitar playing, my relationships, and my photography are just completely sub-standard and pathetic. I don't really know what I can do about it either. I do know this though. No classes tomorrow. Sleeping all day. Goodnight kids.