I just got home from the Element where Jason talked about the depression. I think this is the first time in my life I can safely say that I'm suffering from depression. It sucks. I want badly to act out and do something, but everything I try to do just results in more pain and heartache for me. I need to go to Argentina. Desperately. I'm hoping this trip will change things for the better and make my life a little simpler. Mariana is dating someone now. His name's Kris and he goes to the Element. I don't know him. I'm sure he's a good guy, the troubling part about it the fact that she showed interest in him while we were dating. This situation is freaking filthy. I want to be with her, but I don't. I love her, but I can't. It freaking sucks and I'm debating whether or not to talk to my parents about possibly seeking help in the form of therapy or something. I had so much riding on her... I didn't that God blessing me with her was going to blow up in my face. I genuinely believed I was supposed to be with her for the rest of my life. I want to be with her. I don't know. My advice from people so far has been mostly to forget about her and to move on and just deal with it... this approach isn't exactly working. I'm just missing her more and hating her for what she did. I was really close to putting the photos she gave me on her car for her to keep tonight. I don't know what made me stop. "I Adore You." They spelled it out in three photos of her. "...and the greatest of these is love." She tacked that one along like she knew what love was. I want her to know what love is. Hell, I want to know what love is. That's a freaking 80's song title. I never thought I'd be the same place as some 80's new wave singer/songwriter. I miss her. I miss being able to talk to her without having a simultaneous sinking, painful feeling in my chest. It freaking drops every time I think about her, or him. God. What the hell? Honestly. Why is this freaking situation like this? I don't know and I really want to. If I'm on the other side of the curtain, freaking pull the string and let me know why I have to feel like this all the time. I think I've found closure, I think I'm better, and then she's dating some guy right in front of my face. I go to the Element and learn about depression only to leaving feeling more depressed and worthless than ever. I see her with her new hair, her new clothes and her new shoes just dressed to impress. Him. Not me. She doesn't give a damn, or at least that's how she makes it seem. She's so easily moving on, I don't know if she'll ever know the damage she's doing from how she acts and from what she's doing. God, freaking make my thoughts right and let's nip this in the butt once and for all. I need to get over this so I can do stuff for you. I need to have closure, or get back together with her or something. I freaking need it now. Please, where have you been in this? I can't see but for a few seconds when I'm singing passionately, don't leave me like she did. Don't abandon me and make all of my work be in vain. Please make me a man of God. I need forgivness, I need a second chance, I need a way to get past this. Please help me, God. Please.