i havent been to school in two weeks because of a vaction and sickness. i feel unorginized and anti-social. my mom called today while i was on the phone with dan. i guess her life is working out now after the down hill ride shes been stuggling with for a while, of course she reminded me of her and my dads fight that they are having over me. witch makes me feel like shit. i begin to realize it would be so much easier if i wasnt here. i mean my mom and dad would have a happy life. I just seem to be invading there hopes and dreams. latly i feel i cant fofill their needs. Im thinking about quiting track.its not doing anything for me. i dont want to go to school tomarrow i havent been in the mood for being around a lot of people. merci and nick seem to be working out. i fear dan is going to do something to hurt himeself .I care for dan a lot hes like a brother to me. He has acted more like a brother to me more than my real brother. Dan has to move to his dads this summer witch i dont think he wants to do at all. When he left last week when we all thoguht he was leaving for good we were all in disbelief. I was thinking how could this happen. I cried myself to sleep for the days he was gone.no one could figure out what was wrong. When he walked out mercis door for the last time i felt like i had been hit with a sledgehammer right in the stomache. The following days after he left i proceded to feel lost and shallow. Everything i did seemed to remind me of that kid. Each time it brought me down farther eachtime. I felt like i was being tugged between heaven and hell. I was in constant struggle of trying to forget everything and posibly be happy.I havent been happy in a while and the thought of me being happy scares me sometimes.I find myself trying to make other people happy when im the one who needs it.Ive been sleeping a lot latly hoping when i wake up things will be different.Everytime i lay down i know it will never happen but sometimes we can only wish.Im hopless.There has to be more to life than this.The other side sounds so much better than this shit im stuck in. getting tired i didnt get much sleep last night. Tomarrow is a new day and i will find myself in the hell hole called school. after school shall be good. I am goign to the high school and picking up tammy and katie. I believe tomarrow will be fun. I forget about everything when i am with tammy.I feel entertained and unable to think of life and its problems that come with it. We are going to katies house and then hanging out with ryan and kieven, Im a little afaraid becasue me and ryan have feelings for eachother but im afraid to be in love because it comes with challeneges and the fact i can be hurt all over again and im not shure i am ready for that feeling again. Yet im confuzed. we will just have to expect the best and just play along. "dont leave me now how could you go. I dont need no arms around me I dont need no drugs to calm me I have seen the writing on the wall Dont think I need anything at all No dont think Ill need anything at all"