There was once an episode of Scrubs, when Carla wanted to go out with an old friend. JD stupidly invited Elliot along, and Carla couldnt say no. On the night, Carla and her friend pretended there was some kind of emergency, and stood Elliot up. She found out. Later, when Carla came to apologise, Elliot said this 'If I was going out with my girlfriend, I wouldnt invite you. Oh, who am I kidding, yes I would, and she'd probably like you more and neither one of you would ever talk to me again.' I know how Elliot feels. I have always had an underlying fear of introducing two seperate friendship groups to each other, or just having them mixing at all I've had experience in it. Gemma and Ben. Gemma and Zoe. Gemma and Max to some extent. And now Raz and Sam. And it all winds down to the fact that I don't want them to like each other more than they like me. And I realise how selfish and pathetic it is to say that, but i think everyone fears it to some extent. The worst thing is, I have absolutely no right to have a problem with it. I have no right to say 'you can't like each other' or even 'i wouldnt be happy with you two going out', because, true as that might be, I dont like him anymore. If i was still as crazy about him as i used to be, then yeah, i would say something, and i think they would respect it. But right now, if either of them asked me if i was ok with them going out, i would have to lie and say yes, becuase i have no right or reason to say any different. When you're friends with someone for a long time, you start to see their faults. Sometimes you start to see them over their positive sides. And again it all goes back to not wanting to be liked less than someone else. 'Cos if Sam chose Raz over me, with all the faults that may be there, or may just be a product of spending far too much time together; what the fuck does that make me? Having seperate friendship groups, at the end of the day, makes you feel special. You get attached to a group of people, and, more than anyone likes to admit, you get protective of them. Other firendship groups are there so that if everything mucks up in one, youve still got other people who love you and will be there for you. And you don't have to worry about other friends being liked more than you, because they don't know them. They become your friends, your little reason to be happy, your seperate life that no one has to know about if you don't want them too. You know more about them than anyone else, and theres something about that which just helps you sleep at night. But when friendshiip groups mix, they're suddenly not yours anymore. Everyone knows everything, anyone can talk about them, and anyone can spend time with them, without you being there. And that brings about a sense of rejection that no one should ever have to know. Either way this ends up, it's going to be bad. If they don't go out with each other because of me, then i'l just end up tearing myself apart for denying a friend of something i wanted for so damn long. If they do go out, I dont know what I'l do. I can hardly stand being around Gemma and Max, Let alone Raz and Sam. I wouldnt be able to talk to either of them, especially about each other. If i remembered that they were going out, chances are i'd start crying on the spot. Just remembering they fancied each other made me cry in church yesterday. And I know that I'll stay friends with both of them. But its the fact that now, both of them like each other mroe than they like me. Theyv heard every story before I have a chance to say it. It doesnt feel great. And things were just starting be normal with Sam. We were good friends, and i couldnt have been happier. But now this has happened and will fuck that up. With both of them. When it was all so damn perfect. And as well as all my selfish reasons for hating all this, I dont want Sam to get hurt. Everyone know Raz treated Jono like shit for a fair amount of their 'relationship'. I couldnt stand it if she did that to Sam. In our school friendship group theres alwaya been two Sams. And sometimes we have to distinguish between them, jsut so we know who we're talking about. We don't use their surnames. We use the same of the person theyr associated to. Theres 'Beccys' Sam. And 'my' Sam. Anytime now, 'My' Sam, isn't going to be called 'My' Sam. He's going to be 'Razs' Sam. That wraps evrything Ive just said into two little words. And that hurts more than anything. --- I've been writing this for half an hour, and thinking about it for even longer. And theres still more i could say, but i cant seem to put it into words. Maybe another day. This should probably be a private entry, but I'm going to leave it public anyway.