Well, 6 days till christmas. I wish i was more excited, its so much more fun when i'm excited. i've had a pretty cool weekend, went 2 zoes on friday nite, stayed up cooking till midnight, awfully good fun. i made an awesome chocolate cake. then we continued to cook all through saturday, and in the evening was her murder mystery party, which was very very fun. only bad thing was the alcohol. yes i drank it, and i was happy to, i have no problem with a bit of alcohol. but sitting there drinking my bacardi reminded me of the last time i drank. i remembered the feeling of being drunk, and i wanted it back. i remembered how much i love the feeling of being drunk, not being able to walk, as if your head isnt attatched to the rest of your body. alcohol isnt good for me. i cry when i'm drunk. and i shouldnt do it. but all i could think of while drinking on saturday was how much i miss the kind of life i used to live. where getting drunk wasnt a big thing, and i was happy to do it. i went to parties, went to peoples houses, just to get drunk. and as much as i hate smoking, i was happy to have a drag of a cigarette. nevermind that i was breaking the law, fucking up my body, and being a complete hypocrite. i cant be like that anymore. much as i miss it. i'm not like that any more. as much as i crave the feeling of being drunk. i cant do that again, thats not the kind of person i am. I dont want to be part of the teenage stereotype. i dont want to 'rebel' by drinking and smoking, cos in the end thats what everyone else is doing, so it's not rebelling at all. but it would be rebellling against my faith. i find it hard enough being a christian, i'm a crap enough one already, without adding the temptation of alcohol in there aswell. i dont want to fuck that up again. i just wish... i just wish i could be more like him. so this christmas/new year, i'm not going to parties. putting myself around alcohol is not a good idea, cos i wont be able to resist it. my will power stops me cutting, but thats about it. and going to parties with other people getting drunk wont help. with other people being as hypocritical as me. with other people going back on every comittment theyve ever made right in front of my fucking face. thats not gonna help. and if i got drunk there would be absolutely nothing to stop me hating them as much as i hated myself, and probably end up letting them know, in no the best possible way. the thought of my friends turning 16 scares me. alot of them are already 16. and i dont want the ones who arent turning out like them. cos i know that as soon as alot of my friends hit 16, theyl be out every night; thinking they own the fucking world; thinking they dont need anyone, especially their parents; getting pissed whenever they fancy; spending any money they might earn on fags and smoking themselves to death; and shagging every thing of the oppostie sex. i wont be able to stand up to them, i do a bad anough job as it is standing up for what i believe in, and making sure i dont contravene my own personal ideals. time never goes the right speed. if your having fun, if your with people you love, if you're not gonna be in the place you love again for another month, it always goes too fast. if your having a shit time, if youre just waiting for something good, if your in a physics lesson; i swear it goes at half the speed. i wish it wouldnt. but as if thats the kind of thing i cant change. just have to live with it i guess. make the most of life, live every day as if its your last etc etc. well bye all. if i dont speak 2 u beforehand, have a really good christmas. xHUGx