Well, having stopped caring about Tom, I have just found myself in a pretty heavy conversation with Bob. I'l insert bits of the conversation. when asked why i dont just be an 'angel' like my sister: 'to be honest, i'm never going to be seen as an angel. you put on a bit of eyeliner and talk louder than other people, and people expect you to be a satanist. you have a glass of wine at christmas, therefore any party you go to you will get drunk at; you have to be a little mean, and you have to be funny, not always in the best way, just to get noticed, cos i the end, youre not the pretty one, youre the middle child who has to rebel to be noticed at all...' when asked why i care about being noticed: ts not nice to live completely and utterly in someones shadow. its not about being noticed by society. its about being noticed by the people that matter. family, and friends. i couldnt do the pretty thing. i coudldnt do the clever thing. my sisters git this great relationship with my mum cos she got her 1st fucking period in year 6, and i've never had that cos ive been a daddys girl my whole life and i'm too proud and self concious to ever talk to my mum anyway. i moved to a school where i was known as lizzies little sister. ive been called 'the one with the fit sister' by a guy i really liked. at school, 4 years later, the teachers are still talking about how well my sister did at that subject, and how i have to keep up the thomas tradition. all of my family, grandparents and the such, all of the random people at church adore my sister, cos she's had a piss easy life, she's been able to smile and stay 'christian' and take the role of ministers daughter. i havent had an easy life. ive had piss loads of trouble even becoming close to being a chirstian. ive slef harmed and ive spent years of my life around those who self harm and sometimes it just wasnt possible to smile and wear happy colours and talk to the old ladies and be the stuck up bitch taht she is. sometimes it's not my fault that i'm different. sometimes i dont do it on purpose. but can you really blame me if i do... Bob: You've been put under a lot of pressure to "be good" right from day one, and nobody should expect you to live up to their standards. You've been finding your own way of not being your sister it seems, and your efforts seem to have focussed on being not her, than being you... am I right? he is. Bob:are you the kind of person you want to be? Me:more than i was Bob:so what is that person like? honestly? Me: you...